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12 – Tomidjah’s Say – November, December, January 2022


Tomidjah’s Journal

Where I talk to myself, and make sense of this corruptible world, and remove the errors from my mind, for sanity’s purposes… when I read, what I’ve written here, in my peace of mind in silence.



What to Write Today?

I just want to write something, about something, but my mind is like a sieve… weeding out the lumps from the flour of life, and baking a clean loaf of bread… mainly, this journal for the minds that read it.
It must feed the thoughts and produce more thoughts, so that you educate yourself in the reading/chewing.

This is a complicated video that is hard to understand, but with clever interpretations can be revealing, or hiding behind data in the shadows of your minds… and misinterpreting it with lies and deceptions.

Everything in the various languages of the world, is spoken in parables, cause they hide the secrets of life, but once understood they can open doors to new futures, and fears that you must overcome… life is a adventure to experience, and breathe into yourself.

It said the spinal column is where Jacob’s Ladder was, and the angels went up and down the ladder, they must be causing the spasms of mine.
I take it as a fairy tale and it’s loaded with deceptions, that can lead to hell and back up to heaven… Darkness and Brightness… the contrast between night and day… it reveals more details of the whole picture.

Understanding is an afterthought, where you understand or are confused. I would rather understand than stumble in confusion, with a dim lighted view of a room, I would rather walk in a well lighted room… seeing everything.
But I know that is not possible for everyone, that’s why God invented glasses and infrared glasses… for weak sighted… there are many weaknesses in the human form, as many as the number of nerves in the human form… which is numberless.

This turning into a rant, but it opened up a subject that is physically medical for me, but spiritually too.
I’ve read many precepts, from the long list of the studies of spinal reconstructions, and the spirit of God told me “it is not my concern”… but don’t shun it with disdain, only watch it with curiosity… or slight interest.

It’s somebody else’s job… that God is teaching them too.

God is a collective to me, as with the first chapter of Genesis, God was a collective, and soon turned into a tyrant with fears as the fuel to drive their vehicles, but when Jesus appeared he had a new fuel, and we murdered him for it… the fuel was mercy and forgiveness, through an undying love for humanity… to reach the next step up for our development.
It is the same text, with the Ancient Hebrew texts, for everyone reading it… it only is in the collective form for the first few chapters of Genesis.

Genesis 1:26
“Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness…”.”

That collective nature made God a tyrant through fear, instead of respect, and he became an angry God.
God needed to set the record straight with Jesus as the messenger, and Jesus taught lack of prejudice, judgment without all the facts, was more righteous, than all the judgments from God through fears.

He tried to make sense of the mastery of God, which is complicated to say the least… but he did his best, and we murdered him, and his followers… leaving behind the Church of Devils and Saints… called the Catholic Church… my birth and education about Christianity, my humble beginnings.

It’s not Jesus’ legacy, the early Christians were his legacy, cause they believed in their hearts and minds… that we should seek God in truth and love.

I long for the reunification with them, that is my heaven.

What else can I write? I guess that’s up to you… or am I wasting my time?



Julia Westlin – Lifeline

Click the CC button for Lyrics


I found this song by Julia Westlin, called “Lifeline”, I always like the songs lyrically and musically, but I unsubscribed to her, by every video she talked about herself, and was recruiting you to Patreon to buy her merchandise.

Well, that’s why Unsubscribed to her about 6 years ago… if she made videos without her 1-3 minutes of commentary after the song, then I would subscribe to her again. She calls her Patreon fans Angels, well I’m siding with Devil’s advocate side… I’ll take a lot of heat for this view, she has talent, and should let the music be her support, and not try to box her fans by Patreon.

Patreon is good for replacement of Record Publishers, but replacing greed with greed, is only replacing corruption with corruption… I’m sending a Lifeline to Julia, free yourself with the truth, and don’t be disillusioned by your ego anymore.

I’m already in hell, and when I go to heaven… I don’t want to be crushed by the fear bubble, before I go… it’s a heavy burden to carry to the next level of life.

I’m already carrying my cross/narcissism to the next level, and it’s a heavy burden to carry… narcissism everyone carries… but it’s a necessary demon/aspect of life, but I would much rather treat it as a pet, instead of being hounded by it, to the extreme obsession of it.
Treat it with love that you give to your pets… and don’t be controlled by it, by hate, or some other forceful feelings.

I just bought the song “Lifeline” from Amazon Music…
I thought I needed to by taking the side of the truth/darkness/lightness… Life is complicated already, and not being possessed by your dark egos, or your overexposed egos…
You’ve heard of KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid), not the rock band KISS… though I think they came up with that name by that acronym.

I could be wrong, but it was the length of the song… so I don’t feel bad now.



Cool Hand Luke’s My Mind,
Is The Church Where I Confess
To God Everyday

Paul Newman was my Mom’s favorite actor, I had to watch every movie on TV, when I was younger on a black and white TV, cause my Dad was too cheap to buy a color TV… and he was proud of being cheap, since his parents were from the depression era, in fact he was 2 years old when the depression happened in 1929.

This is the closing scene in the church giving his conversation with God, well that has been my confessions with God in my mind, since I met him in spirit… I grew out of the “on my knees” scenario, though I did it once on a mountain top in NY.
I’ve been with God now for 45 years, 46 years this July… so I’m a Leo by birth in the reborn realm.

I finally finished watching Cool Hand Luke tonight, and saw his confession in the church, and I could really relate to it… as I guess all of you at one time, or another times could relate to it too.

And then the Prison cops showed up, and killed him… while he was yelling at them “What We Got Here,  Is a Failure to Communicate”.

It surprised me, cause I don’t remember him dying, I think it was on TV about 3 years after it was in the movie theaters… so since it was released in 1967… I’m guessing I was 13-14 years old… because we left Brooklyn when I started High School, and moved up to Grand Gorge in the Catskills… it was my first Culture shock, city boy moving to the country.

Well, this is my narcissistic moment, please forgive me, but it’s hard not to be so narcissistic, cause I related to the story, it’s not been a year yet, since when my Mom died this last Spring… as with Luke in the movie losing his Mom, after she visited him in prison.

And he was my Mom’s favorite actor, it brought tears to my eyes, and the memories were flowing like a waterfall after a lot of rain… I remember the waterfall at the house was my altar where, I talked to God, like Paul Newman in his old church.

So I received a lot of raining memories, after seeing the ending of the movie… I forgot Paul Newman died in the movie, so I forgot it… cause it left me feeling sad.

My mind likes to lock out sad feelings, but I always open the door to sadness, when it knocks… and I always answer the door to my heart… but I’m sick of all the calls by telemarketers wanting to sell me something I don’t I don’t need.

I don’t want to drown you in my narcissism, but I’ll throw lifesavers out, so you can think about it, and hang on while floating in my narcissism lake.

This is the recap of the story of Cool Hand Luke, to those included in the Family Plan of Youtube Premium, you can see the whole movie on Youtube, it’s a MoviesAnywhere movie so it copies it, when I buy it on VUDU.
I like the idea of sharing movies, with other movie streaming sites with MoviesAnywhere.

The movie, in no way I agree with every scene’s interpretation, there are many interpretations I agree with, but when the esoteric interpretation of eating the 50 eggs, came up… I thought he was reaching into space and the unknown.



Creative Writing Classes in College,
But I Never Thought It Was
Its Own Talent,
instead of a Fictional Writer

I was talking to my older Sister over the phone, and she talked of creative writing, and I had a talent in that. I thought it was creating a fictional story, but she said that people just try to express an idea or point through creative writing.

I took a couple of creative writing classes in college, and it was writing short stories, which I had no problem starting, but coming up with an ending/conclusion was hard, and was continually evasive to me.

I could write it grammatically correct, with typos to express my imperfections… but no ending, it just dragged on and on with no ending in sight… I’m not a fictional writer… so I gave up writing about a time traveler, from the stone age, to modern times, and the politics in heaven and hell… but I had no solution, and came up with all sorts of paradoxes with time travels.

I always had pride about not giving up, but then I quickly surrendered to the paradox #1, time travel from the stone age to modern times in a city, and the massive shock to a critical thinking of the stone age man, to the modern thinking of humans in today’s world… and there is another back story going on with Archons and Argonauts, in heaven and hell.

I had the story written down, but it got lost or stolen in the moves… I went to college over just over 40 years ago 1982-1985… but dropped out, and chose to spend the tuition money on computer equipment.
(I called a Friend for New Years, and it happened to be someone, who I mailed the story to, and she said she found it… but she is just as disorganized as I am… So, I’ll post a summary of the story in the future.)

Then I tried writing a story of a child growing up, and they found a cave with weapons in it, and it lead to a water reservoir as the backdoor out of the cave… I think I still have that one, but I don’t know

It was overtooken by the classes in 1983-85, and it fizzled out for me, cause I couldn’t come up with an ending or conclusion, without it being riddled with paradoxes.

I just saw an interesting video about creativity… this morning, and here it is.

I guess I’ll be smudging along on failures, cause quality comes out of quantity, and I’ll keep writing shitty failures.

There is inspiration in it, for someone to create something beautiful from it, whoever had the searching bug, to get through it.

I need to write more producing more trivial things, that will grow in the large shade bearing trees, but were once sprouts, and were destroyed by weed killers when they were young… cause they saw no use for it.

But it takes a tree a lifetime to grow to the stature, that gives shade from the heat of the sun… it takes time to breathe, and live too… you can’t silence me with ignorance and avoidance… I’ll still resiliently write what’s on my mind… no matter what pops in my mind.

I’ll try to organize it better, like a well maintained garden, that isn’t over growing with weeds… though weeds can be beautiful too… just under control from propagating in an invasive nature.

Well, that’s all about creativity, of what I know about it, that I’m willing to share with you, and not speculating about it… cause there is more that I don’t share about it.

But I’ll wrestle with God some more on, if it’s mine, or I stole it like a thief…
Creativity is like a robber of inspirations, a thief of thoughts… it’s just a thought with a different perspective, a different way of looking at it.



Lord, Plan a Good Day For Me

Lord, plan a good day for me, I feel like I’m misunderstood, with certain peoples misjudgements and prejudices… this song says it all. I’m feeling a little empty too without social interaction, and being on bedrest.
You get over the 65 years mark, I don’t heal as fast as when I was in my 20’s… the blood doesn’t flow as fast when you get older.

Don Williams – Lord, I Hope This Day Is Good

This is an entry for the weak minded, even us strong minded are weak sometimes, I’m approaching the 3 year mark, living in the sentence of isolation… number 5 is what I’m referring to… now we judge the world and other nations, and those nations we attack, judge us for our previous attacks.

It’s been that way, since I was born… the draft ended in 1974 for Vietnam, and I was a senior in High School that year… so I felt relieved from the draft, so I joined the Air Force in 1976… who would’ve thought that… I should’ve known by the date they chose for me the Ides Of March 22nd, was the first day of boot camp.

I wish I was in isolation back then… but a year later I was in the ICU of a hospital

So rather than intensive, it was more like Isolation.

Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp – Isolation (Cover of John Lennon)

Well, this next video is straight to the point “You Got To Walk That Lonesome Valley” by Mississippi John Hurt.

It should end this post, with the last words for advice, and stop feeling “sorry for yourself”, something I’ve been known to do.

We all have to walk in that lonesome valley by ourselves, praying with our thoughts to God, Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, or one of the many words to describe the God of Abraham… or however you pray to God… there are many Eastern religions meditate to the higher self, which is God to me.

Jesus said “God is Spirit”, but he didn’t explain what is spirit… he left us to figure it out.
The Holy Comforter/Ghost would teach us of all things, he died for us… not because of our sins, but as an example of his actions.

“Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
Luke 23: 34

Walk that lonesome valley without any pride, and see how it easy it is… the humble God smiles upon, but the prideful meets winds and storms… you have to deal with the devil… and I’m beginning to understand the devil and all his tricks… well not all his tricks, that’s my pride talking.

Mississippi John Hurt – You Got to Walk That Lonesome Valley



Virtual Reality Land…
Where Dreams Are
Born and Live

Virtual Reality land, where a ideas/dreams are born and live. throughout our lives… in some form or another form. Whether it’s a fantasy of love and romance, or some invention, or another industrious work, it all takes place in the mind… the virtual workspace.

It takes the form in your mind, and then moves to reality, as whatever form, it became to be in your mind.

Just a thought, I woke up with this morning… and laid there mulling over it in my mind, until the afternoon.

I have a lot of virtual social interaction in my workspace, I’m so NOT socially minded, but I get tempted alone in the isolation.

I Always Loved this Song… before I saw the Lyrics…
it had the Southern Groove to the Music

I always felt like royalty after this song played, as “Kings and Queens bowed and played for you” were the only words I remembered from the song.

Kings and Queens bowing for me, when I see them as my equals… such is life, meaning everyone is on a different layer/talent/education of life, but equally created.

There are many talents involved with life, and the interaction with everyone, is the key to success… with many diverse talents of life in general, it’s the social interactions, that makes a mark, of successes or failures.

I also thought about the feelings, and the new ways that God is speaking to me now… it’s God’s vast languages, that fill the Universe… the Milky Way galaxy, and the many galaxies beyond… “feelings” are the new communications of the future.

And it makes me more sensitive to other’s feelings, something I need to work on… cause of my cold numb heart… I tend to forget, that’s where I feel the emotional feelings.

I always saw that as the worst pain… because it was inside… it took over my body and mind… and it made me numb.
And a little cold, to boot it through the goal posts… which is another factor in the Numbness of heart.

I found this video of Les Greenberg explaining the effects, emotions, and feelings, as a tree comparison.
It’s one way to look at it, which I never would have got… it goes back to the parable views, where many secrets are revealed in your own mind.

So, while I ponder these things, I’ll be educating myself, and being the best teacher I can be… we are all, our best teachers, and our hearts are learning in the process.

Ezekiel 36:26 
“And I will give you a new heart,
and a new spirit I will put within you.
And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh,
and give you a heart of flesh.

God knows best… it takes a lifetime to get through the class of God, and then you move to the next layer/level with death… but Life goes on and on… it’s an energy that can’t be created or destroyed, it can only be transformed to another energy form,



Happy New Year :-D 

I‘ve been dreading this day all my life, it’s the end of my life as Richard McNerney, and RM Tomidjah is born again, only reborn again, like everyday I go to sleep, and wake up again to face another lonely existence on this planet Earth.

This video is on Silence and Simplicity, and the murdering spree the media is on to kill all connections to those principles… with mass distractions and consumer traps of our psyche, as long as we give them a little buying power, they treat us like happy slaves.

I’m moving into my rant mode, so I should play this short video view on Silence and Simplicity… and let God take over your mind with thoughts, and the gentleness a small voice… your own thoughts.
Cause that’s where change is born… and you can share it with the world… I’ll leave it up to you and God.

The links to Silence and Simplicity, one a recordered podcast, which I saw as a distraction from the principle of Silence, you are listening to another flesh, that is as just as lost to you, as you are… though there might be crumbs for the hungry… I got through half of it, so I didn’t see what happens at the end of it.

Listen for the still small voice that talked to Elijah, cause that is the voice that talked to me too.
It transformed into the feelings of the heart… I don’t know why the transformation took place, instead of the voice, it must make sense, when I look at the whole.

God is a mystery, and God wants to stay that way, rather than being in a religious cage, where they’re doing tests on you to satisfy their curiosities, much like the medical field today… you go into a hospital and they run tests on you, to no end… but they are more confused to charge for tests, that the data is as mysterious as God is.

The medical field is like a house of mirrors… it’s a maze, comprised of our own reflections… with big Latin words, that only doctors and lawyers understand.

Simplify life is the way to go, and talk only the truth, not the double talk of the corporations and the lawyers understand… but the truth that everyone understands.

So, you like being a rat in the maze, it’s depressing to me… and made me suicidal all my life, and I think it’s the reason for all suicides that take place in the world today.
Suicide rates have been increasing in the US.

God is your Doctor, God created your body… seek God for the answers to your good health…
I’m in a lurch from going into hospitals, cause they’re the autoimmune disease in itself, cause they murdered my immune systems, every time I went into the hospital.

Seek God, in whatever your level, you’re at… everyone is at a different level, there’s so many levels to God, I do voice that Jesus’ way is the way to God, but there are infinite levels to God, once you go through the Jesus door… remember Jesus said:

In My Father’s house are many rooms.
If it were not so, would I have told you
that I am going there to prepare a place for you?”

So, I don’t now why Jesus/Holy Ghost stopped talking to me in a still small voice, and replaced it with feelings of my heart… I’m sure it will make sense to me in my future… I have a lot of theories to ponder over, but nothing concrete yet.

Have a very Bright NEW YEAR,
and Life ahead of you.



Time is a Cruel,
but a Fair Entity

I‘ve thought about this for a short time, but I’ve witnessed all my life, and Time can be cruel, but also grateful and fair. Time has always chosen the hard road for me, brought me to the edge of the world many times, that I can’t count… but always enlightened me, so I felt safe and secure… I was always curious and intrigued, by the marvels I saw around the world.

I only explored the northern hemisphere of the Earth, and I came up with the conclusion of the only difference were the cultures, religions/beliefs, and languages, I maybe wrong in that conclusion, but I’m not that focused, as 20/20 vision…

I went back to my country, and made friends around the world, some I’ve forgotten about, and some I’ve  kept in touch with… and some I’ve stalked and lusted after, before I got a clear image of love, and what it entailed… the lust thing I was confused about, cause it was made to be synonymous with love, by Hollywood’s standards.

I was confused to/of love, well into the new millennium… I thought of finding love would make my life right, but that never happens. I found love when I was born, we had people as sick as us, namely our parents… or someone to rescues us, if we were born to an abusive existence… life is an extreme existence, and so many instances that we have yet to list and discover.

Life is as mysterious as God… I had a recurring dream when I was a child, it was biologically feelings took the center stage, it was chasing God, and when I stopped chasing God, he appeared to me again calling for me to chase him…
“Why? When you evade me, cause you can”
I’ve gotten a clearer answer in my reflections of life, throughout my life, it required my intriguing nature to learn the truth about life… my rewards has always been lies, and false hopes, but truth was always a gem to me… like the long list of junkdealers/friends, that I met throughout my life.

Finding gems has always been my forte… in a world full of junk, and being so stupid to recognize the truth, when I find the sparkle of truth, it’s a treasure for me.

Also so much about God has changed for me, Jesus said “God is Spirit”, and it made me question besides a ghost, what is spirit?

The Holy Ghost, is what I learned is what came after Jesus left… and they would teach of all things… I refer to it as they, cause they could be female/male… or whatever gender the aliens have.

I believe in aliens/extraterrestrials, ever since my Junior year in high school when I witnessed a UFO over the Schoharie Reservoir… which I suspect as water gathering for fuel, or drinking… IDK… but I witnessed it, so no fear bubbles that will pop in my mind… it’s something I enshrined in my memory hall, inside my mind.

The Psyche is what Carl Jung studied, and he warned of what is to come… mankind will destroy himself, if we are blindly led… by all the corporations, and con men leaders, that we elect to serve us through the government… mainly politicians, that were pure, before the courts of power and lies got hold of them.

They’ve been tainted by power and control… so they’re bitter and want revenge, it’s mostly us, they want revenge on… but they’re mostly delusional, and have yet to understand what they see.

God needs to teach them of the truth and love, and they will learn… or grow colder and impatient, and view God as a parasite… or they go crazy, and the mayhem they cause with world’s populations… namely “us” collectively.

I just wanted to say the last word, with Carl Jung’s warning… it can be beautiful too, as well as ugly… tragedy always comes before blessings, and salvation is always the aftermath of hopelessness/despair.

The times ahead is always as dark, as the light that illuminates, it can be both bad and good… it has been all my life, but the key is to endure those shadowy times, by “never giving up”, to get through the shadows, and stepping into the well lighted rooms of our futures.

I need to work on the Megalopolis video, it seems time is in control of the process… which sucks and is a blessing too… love and hate relationships with time, is my food and strength… I grow stronger and weaker with time.

Did I hear “Good”?



Well, I’m back, with solving
the IP4 and IP6 debacle?

We had a week before Christmas, and we put the Starlink back in order, which I believe is the takeover of Earth through the tech umbrella… the Starlink dish and the DSL by Centurylink wasn’t giving me the IP4 service.

The power went off at 6am on Thursday December 22nd , they shut off Bonneville Power Project/Administration supplied the electricity, to Flathead Electric COOP, they take electricity from other suppliers too.

Well, I stayed up on my butt a little longer than 4 hours, I got up at 1pm and I got back into bed, it was almost 10 pm.

So this is the first time I made it back here… to keep everyone that is reading this an update… of what’s new with me… I’ll try to break these narcissistic chains.

This is a Video of Space exploration of Extraterrestrials, and the Extraterrestrials don’t want us to bring weapons into space, and the Extraterrestrial base on the moon… or Not. 
This is a Link to Colonel Russ Dedrickson giving his background with space exploration.

I think this as questionable, as my last week before Christmas… the thinking of Judging the Tech Fields, or as a Paranoid Fit… but I managed figuring it out, and keeping the privacy of non wireless intact… the wireless is secure when you’re not under attack by Hackers, but I’m not willing to learn the wireless, and the secure natures, and not so secure measures… I’m only one man’s brain… and I need another brain to pay bills and file the hoarders piles of papers… and cook for me.

I’ve been in Montana for 24 years this coming New Year… it seems like yesterday when I made it down here from Sitka, AK… prior from Leaving NY in the Catskill Mtns… Grand Gorge in 1996.

I always thought of Aliens talking to me, of the many voices in my head… and all the noise from familiar spirits talking to me, and angels/aliens and demons/aliens… they say what I don’t want to hear… especially this last week… and before too.

But I like to awake to a new mind, before I hear the noise in my head, just filling my head with white noise… and to be totally exhausted by the end of the day with my mind feeling like it was run over by an 18 wheeler semi-truck… well almost close to that.

So I don’t doubt the Astronauts having the same experience, as my talks with Aliens, I know the Star Wars 1977,  are what they preach, but not wishing mankind to go to space to feed their egos, but taming it before they venture to the unknowns of space… and go peaceably into the great unknown.

That’s what they’ve been telling me for the last 46 years, I’ve said “Beam Me Up Scotty” for the whole time, since I’ve seen one over the Schoharie Reservoir in Prattsville, NY.
I’m guessing 1973, because I was a junior in high school, and it was sometime in Fall before the New Year.
And the Video reenactment is what I remember of what happened, and I was overcome from this strange sight, nobody believed in UFOs in 1973, so we kept quiet about it.
So, Nobody called the Men In Black.

Whatever is going on in space, I like the peaceable aliens, rather than George Lucas’ aliens of Star Wars.
They’re so warlike the Military Industrial Complex.


Visit to Time Blvd.
with Singing a Love Song to God,
It’s a One Way Street,
Time Blvd. is

Time Blvd. is a one way street going somewhere… some mystery place… or some place offering hell or heaven.
Earth is hell already, so I think I’d rather stay here, then go through the effort to go, and live in heaven.
I like the hard road, it teaches me so much… but it carries suffering for my reward… I can’t get married anymore, that is my last reward.

Maybe it’s “Not Meant to Be”.

Time Blvd. is a one way highway with no exits, it’s destination, is death itself.

I once feared death before my rebirth in 1977, then it only puzzled me, and I wanted to understand it then… but curiosity killed the cat… my spirit died at the beginning of the pandemic, and it’s been like a prison cell, ever since then.

Hospitals were like prison cells, or the solitary wing of a high security prison. I like the healing at home, instead of a hospital, I get to choose my methods/medications of healing, and not be harassed by the hospital staff for having an over the counter medicine.

It’s Christmas season, and I’m beginning to hate Christmas like Scrooge, and I’m expecting Ghosts for Christmas Eve… I’m expecting 3 ghosts, but I’m open to a whole slew of them… why not more than 3… I have 7 demons haunting me already.

Their names are pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth,
or you can meet them all here on this page.

The demons make a sea for me to cross, but are haunting me in my swim across virtually, cause I entered Alice’s Wonderland this Summer… I only lived in the movies about it, but this summer I read the audio book.
And I found it very interesting with the different characters, books give your imagination’s imagery to accompany the read.

I welcome the slew of Ghosts this Christmas Eve… I’ll listen closely, and try to understand what they say, but I’m about ready to give up… with avalanche weather with rain during the days, and snow during the night starting after Christmas.
I’m a Scrooge if I don’t change this Christmas, after the visits from the 3 ghosts… but I’m hopeful that they will convince to be merry, and not be like the rabbit with the clock saying, he is late for a very important date..
It’s minus 17.5º F , right now… I’m too slothful to figure it out in Celsius.

I’m too lazy for anything at 5am in the morning… still up and going strong… well tired as fuck.
I’m already showing signs of giving up… by cursing at will.
Did I tell you my middle name is William?
So I’m cursing myself when I curse at will.

I meet a catch22 when on December 22nd… oh no doubles… what does that mean in the game of life.
The game of life is not rolling dice, so no doubles there, what is doubles in monopoly?
I was caught speeding once in the game of Monopoly, and then went to jail, and never rolled another double… to get out of jail… there is a card that gets you out of jail too.

I feel life is a game of Monopoly with greed as its motive… I seen some good friends, become enemies by playing the game.

So I started hating playing the greed game… and still do.

Anyway… I’m fizzling out after 45 minutes of writing this… trying to be entertaining… but failing miserably.
So bye, I’m quitting again… I always try to be positive.



Speaking My Mind Here



I never heard of this song before, it was my first time of hearing it… and I was moved by the line of “speak my mind”.

So I had a headline for this entry, and I want to speak my mind… which is all over the place at times, and other times it’s somewhere else… all within a few minutes.
It’s the daydreaming capital of my head.

Let me introduce you to my MIND, it’s all over the place, and then some more… it’s a vagabond mind… traveling where it will, when it wants, and then settles in Montana for retirement, and permanent sleep, until the great awakening by God, when the people recognize what God is, and the commonality of God… God created all of us, as a family… if you’re anti creationist and evolutionary minded, I weigh both sides… cause I was born under the sign of Libra(Scales)… I don’t know if I believe in astrology, I think it’s a network of cons and pros, guessing what to say.

Then why do we go to war
with our brothers and sisters?

I hope to not be awakened to the same world, that it is right now.

I‘m just speaking my mind, so whatever pops into my mind, I record it with words that I type.

“No more crying” is a good way to end the song too.

Which brings up what my mind’s forecast of the future of mankind… IDK.
But I hope it’s better than today politically, religiosity, attitude, socially, and a whole host of other factors that annoy me these days.

I need to learn to love,
and be patient with your incompetence,
and other’s incompetence too.

I don’t know how to articulate what love is, I think it’s synonymous with “Understanding”, cause you have to put in effort to understand something… so it’s the best way to understand love… cause they are both similar words… they require your energy and effort… and they are both a vast mystery, like God is… Oh no, he said the God word.

It’s hard to talk about God without sounding religious, there are so many different religions with a morsel/seed of truth, but gets cloudy with all the BS to make it grow, and then what grows tells you something about the religion that formed from that seed… some are weeds, at least the proud one are.

Cause to me God is inside my mind and heart, and everyone alive in the world today, it’s just that no one’s listening to God, cause we hear the angels and demons arguing on your shoulders, and they confuse you about God, but they are not God… they are just angels and demons… politicians of the heavens and earthly undergrounds… they lead to understanding God, but they’re separate from God.

Religions are just a step on the staircase to heaven, each religion takes the step’s place on that staircase… cause each religion is true, if only a microscopic part of the whole truth… it’s when we learn to get rid of corruption, the rewards of sins, and make a change with our own minds to see what’s ahead of us.

Then we are one step closer to paradise… which is a long journey… there might be more than the universe we see… there are many different galaxies, than we know about with the naked eye.

It’s my mind speaking/teaching/preaching of what I see in the forecast of the future… like the weather forecasts can be wrong, I can be wrong too… I’m only guessing here.



Savages are Born and Die, and then Judgment

We are just savages created in the image of God, and we live the best we could, or dare/threaten the failures in our lives, that we’ll do better next time.
The lyric line “I’m Not Afraid Of God… I am afraid of man”, really hit the point to the truthful tee.

I guess we’re all ignorant savages to a point of delusional education of knowledge, that we don’t truly understand… but think we do, and should be respected for our knowledge fueled by our pride… which is the seeds of wars, and grow death and maiming galore… until the end of the world’s populations… the apocalypse of civilization.

I had the 2 nurses come, and look at my bedsore, and they saw bare bone, and when I turned closer to my stomach, they saw more bone, cause the wound opened up more, which I thought I saw too… but there was no blood on the ABD bandage, but I had a milkshake with beet root powder, and there was blood on it today.

I have only a mirror to look at it, and when I’m more leaning towards my stomach, I can’t look in the mirror at the bedsore. I’m not a contortionist.

It got me to thinking deep, and I fell asleep after they left… there is a snowstorm moving in, with gusts of 35 mph winds, and we’re supposed to get over a foot of snow tonight, and the temps are going down -30F Wednesday night.
Winter came on the 1st of November, and it’s been here ever since… and it’s not Winter, yet for at least a day.

The Winter is colder than normal this year, it’s when humanity’s hearts gets colder, cause they can’t warm their hearts with the burning of money/cash… the prices rising from groceries, gas/fuel, rent, etc. … has gone through the roof of most local budgets… it makes me sad and mad… I have an anger management problem already.

I will not be scared of God, but what God created I’m scared of, cause I’m in the mess already… with no power to defend myself.
I would fight to the death, and that’s why I view the 2nd Amendment as the way of life against the Govt, cause they have all the armaments at their command, and they even have nuclear weapons at their command… but I’m a peaceful warrior, my weapons are love and truth, through dialog.

Guns will be my demise according to the spirit of God… I’m going to die anyway, the blood won’t stain my hands…
I already did that in killing a deer, that didn’t die with the first shot, and all I heard was his spirit saying to me, as he looked into my eyes, “Why?”, and that lasted with me until I die… cause I didn’t have an answer… which brings me back to the song called “Savages” with deep lyrics by Marina and The Diamonds.

“We’re just animals still learning how to crawl” … so true, people get pride, and go blind, and start a war.
Until we wise up, and don’t threaten other nations with invasions, but meet with them, and offer the truth without hidden agendas.

But that remains to be seen… cause we’d rather get rich, and power corrupts the humanness of mankind… so that corruption of data lives in the minds of the world’s populations… and they propagate their corruptions around the world through violence/wars… where newborns have vengeance in their hearts for injustices mounted/burdened on them… for power over them.

I need to stop this ranting… or it will corrupt my mind.

I suspect this Video has an inline streaming ADs, it’s a little orange blob in the youtube’s player timeline… I really hate the ADs, the people should see the ADs,  as buying your souls, with each measly payment… my soul is not for sale, and I hate your blindness, and giving more power to commercials/ads with your blindness… this will probably fall on deaf ears… of the God’s voices… that see it as the same, as me.
I could’ve not posted it here from Youtube, I’m thinking of Vimeo, but they don’t have as many musical choices of youtube… so until I make a decision…

I just found out, if you have Ad Blocker Ultimate, it takes out inline streaming ads, cause I made it active for me, and the inline streaming went away… so I was blowing my top for nought… so for Firefox browser as a plugin, which I de-activated it on my own page… who knew that it made sense to deactivate it would show the mess of ads… I’m not that smart.

If you IOS, Android you can download that from from Products in the upper menu title bar.


A Look Back in Time… and View Old Memories

This song came out in 1977, the year of my life as a newborn paraplegic.
I look back at the lyrics, I was so into the groove, I didn’t think of what was said/sung.
This brought back memories, that flooded my mind… since it led me into what was sung.

If I took it to heart, my life would be so much better… but I got hurt, over and over again, and it made me what I am today… a loser to some, and pathetic to others, but wise to me, which makes me a winner in my eyes.

So many years have passed, since when I bought this cassette, and played it in my car’s cassette player… but I always liked the groove of the song, and never was interested in the lyrics of what she sung.

It came to the line “You say… you want your freedom” it was more like you say, you want you free dumb, cause I went into space, and got into the groove of the music.

This should’ve been a blues song, I might have of listened to the lyrics then.
If I had listened to the lyrics, and it was conscious listening, I would have been spared the pain, that crushed me emotionally inside… see males can feel emotional pain too.

“Thunder only happens, when it’s raining
Players only love you, when they’re playing
 Women they will come, and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know, you’ll know”

The rain has washed me clean, and I know now… I could’ve known back then too… but I was mesmerized by the groove, and didn’t hear the lyrics… music has a way of captivating your young soul, and grooving you into dumbness… a space cadetness.

A wise asshole… I would prefer a wise man, but I guess I can’t complain… because I am what I am, and it doesn’t make a difference what I went through, the pains made me wiser, than what I was.
And I wouldn’t trade it for anything… cause it was all grace, as I see it.

I want to point this out to youtube’s dying ADs dept, the public is going to disdain you, for breaking your original agreement in the end.
Quit trying to script/program the public, there is a better way.



Tomidjah’s Current Dilemma

I‘m supposed to receive a visit from Glacier Nurse Direct tomorrow, and see how that goes, it sounds interesting, cause I have a lot of complaints about the VA Kalispell healthcare system too, along with the incorporation into the Logan Health civilian healthcare system too.

So, I’m getting this old, and having poor health, since the pandemic started in 2020, and now it’s going to be 3 years in a few months.

Hospitals resembled prisons in my visits, since the pandemic, they always resembled prisons to me for 45 years, but they were like minimum security prisons before the pandemic, and now they’re a maximum security prison… at least my 6 month sentence to the Denver VA Medical Center Hospital was.

With no visitors, and a dictatorial team of doctors… there was no single doctor, they came in groups to my room, and they had one job… I think there was 5 teams.
I don’t mean to be judging the VA doctors, nurses, and staff, but the mess I got myself into, needs to be addressed.

This Video is of the Rocky Mountain Regional VA hospital, this was posted 2 days before I was discharged from there… The VA is a flawed healthcare system, and it’s only getting worse, the more they sweep it under a rug, to escape the accountability factor.

his is another Video of Mann-Grandstaff VA Medical Center in Spokane in Washington state, which is only a 4 hour drive from Kalispell, and one I tried to get in touch with, when I was in the Logan Health hospital… maybe this is why.
The VA is just too big, and it has a lot of problems with health care.
It seems everything that gets too big and centralized, is bound to fail.


Well, we’ll see how it goes tomorrow, when I get a house call from the Glacier Nurse Direct visit, and then make a decision about my medical care… I hope it’s a good visit, I’m tired of butting my head with walls/stumbling blocks/unfair boulders for healthcare.

Death is looking pretty good right now… nah, I have alot of change in my fighting spirit… but sometimes despair is unnerving, catch22 is just a word… as is victory… it’s a chore to get out of the maze of healthcare.

Rationally, and truthfully, and I don’t know what’s true anymore… I’m left here with guessing the truth.
Whenever I talk to someone with an agenda, that’s clouding with whatever their ego’s violent mental storms, that they’re going through right now, cause everybody is trying to communicate with their own personal agendas.

I guess I’ll close this entry… and hope for the better for you all in healthcare… it’s a maze, it’s not amazing.



Low Spark of High Heeled Boys

as a song by Steve Winwood written about the addiction of heroin, I never would have guessed it… I liked it since I heard of it from Traffic when I heard it in the early 70’s… but I never associated with addiction, I thought it was about drag queens.

Here’s the thing. Winwood was 16 or 17 yrs. old when he wrote this.
In those days, street slang for heroin was ‘boy’ and for cocaine was ‘girl’.
High heel boy refers to a mixture of heroin and coke, commonly called a speedball.
The ‘low spark’ is a description of the physical feeling brought on by injecting the speedball.

The man in the suit is the dealer, making profits on the dreams of his customers.

The gun that didn’t make any noise is simply a hypodermic syringe.

This is one of the most truly savage songs in history, way deeper than nearly anything else from its era.

I never would have guessed it was about addictions to heroin, the Brits talked English my native tongue, but I felt lost talking to them.
A fag, was a cigarette butt… they developed their own way of talking.
They used English, but in a different way, and a different meaning… but I heard the words before, but when I heard a Brit talking, I didn’t know what they meant… it was totally different from the American meaning.

Enough Brit bashing… they wrote good music.

Well, I needed to post something for today, and this was in my feed an acoustic version of the song low spark of high heeled boys, I liked it first when I heard it, but I always thought it was about…
Here is the Traffic Band version..  Here is the Lyric video of it.

Boy, this turned into a rabbit hole… there’s so many stories of why they wrote it… Steve Winwood and Jim Capaldi… I’m more confused from when I started this writing… about The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys… and felt I was lost again.
Now, I don’t know what to think of this song…

This is from Quora on the meaning of the song.

This is Wikipedia’s version of the song meaning.

This is from Panay News on the song meaning.

This is what “Heeled” means “Armed” according to Dictionary

This is the meaning from SongFacts … that everyone quotes as its source.

So Jim Capaldi started writing this song, and finished it with Steve Winwood…  so much info to sift through… to find the truth…
I know it wasn’t about drag queens though… but now I’m more lost than ever.

It’s a good piece of music and lyrics… the lyrics are a bit confusing, they have an esoterical meanings, and if you’re not in that esoterical field you are lost in the woods without a light.

Well, hopefully you learned something… I found myself lost more times, than not.

I guess everyone is hurting from the economic mess, that they have to add ADs in their music videos.
It’s the weasels that work in Youtube’s Marketing Dept… that is to blame.
Free Music Videos from inline streaming ads…



Cover of “The Killers” song “Human”
by Emily Linge

This song by The Killers, I wasn’t subscribed to them, but after hearing their cover, I went to their page and subscribed to them.

The  song seems to be about magnifying dancing in my mind, or humans… I haven’t figured out what one takes the cake.
I haven’t given weight to one or the other, in my mind, just yet.

If it’s humans then I have to weigh out all the words about humanity, or are we denser than humans… cause on lyric video, they displayed “denser” for “dancers”you can see it here.

So, I don’t know what to think about it, after seeing that.

All I have to say is ba-thump… my heart is still beating.

IDK for how long though, I had an appointment for today with a house call, from someone trying to bring medical care without insurance, but that was canceled, because of her sick son, and it was recommended that I contact another someone, 2 RN nurses, instead of a nurse practitioner.

And see what they recommend for getting rid of this deep bedsore, I’ve had it for more than 2-1/2 years now, and every time I went into the hospital, a total of 4 times, adding up to close to 9 months… it’s like giving birth to a baby, the nightmare of my dream.

Anyway, I was introduced to a new song to think about by Emily Linge doing a cover song by The Killers called Human… and exchange denser for dancers… IDK, but I’ll update this, when I figure it out.

I have a problem with people selling ADs during music videos, and making money off of Youtube’s dying adspace… like a dying patient in hospital.
If they told the truth, instead of manipulating the people with their dark secrets of psychology to mold them into consumers… like an addict being reborn.



Melanie in the Spotlight of My Mind

ur meditations should be Love centered, and words should be a flashlight/nightlight on the darkest hours/times of our existence.

Love Sex
That infection happened, since the beginning of time, and became a synonym for love, it should’ve been expounded on instead, and love’s reward should be the affections of sex, not the lusty feelings of sex, which throws you off balance, like an out of balance wheel being put on your vehicle, and starts to shake, when you go over a certain speed.

Melanie – Love In My Mind
Lyrics to Love in my Mind.

have a problem with the narcissistic tone, instead of “me”, it should be “us”… male and female… or whatever life form we find in the future of non-binary lifeforms.

We should be loving them, and not trying to rape them with lust in our hearts, calling it love, instead of lust.

Lust is a reward of love, not as a replacement of love. We should meditate/pray on the meaning of love, and see it how it got distorted of its reality.
We don’t know anything about love, it’s only a fraction of the whole scope of love… I’m guessing here, we only know .000,01% about love, there is so much more about love to learn.

It could be also an illusion/delusion/mirage, and we’re being conned… but I’d like to hope at least… and not be the moth reaching for the light, and finds the bug zapper.

Enough of my preaching, cause I’m as blind as you… and the blind do not see clearly, and certainly not the whole picture picture, of what I’m preaching about.

We are as blind as the bats we condemn and are scared of, cause we don’t understand them… but love should be a synonym of understanding, instead of lust.
Cause that’s the next step up, on the staircase to heaven/perfection.

Lust is only the stairs down to the dungeons/cellars/basement of our understandings, so lust is a part of love, the .000,000,000,01% of love.
I don’t know what I’m talking about, but the seed has been planted in your garden/mind, and what grows from it, it could be a weed or a crop… it depends on the soil in your mind…

Pessimism is the soil that grows weeds, and optimism is the good soil, that grows good crops,
that’s my 2 cents.

My 2 Cents = My Conclusions/Understandings of Life



Memories are Seeds, that are Planted in your Minds

I can relate to that thought, memories lead to past thoughts, and they propagate through your mind’s eye to other thoughts.

I was having a hard time coming up with a subject to write about for this journal entry, and then all of a sudden this popped up in my Youtube feed, so I’m not taking full credit for it… I never heard of him before, so I can thank Youtube for the intro.

Terry Reid – Seed of Memory (Lyrics)

I was marveled by this morning’s snow, and it brought back memories of the snow in upstate NY.
Some bad and some good… rather than ponder the bad memories, I focused on the good memories.

I started High School in upstate NY in the Catskill Mountains, and I had a lot of bad memories, and also a lot of good memories… like the friends that I made that filled the good memories.

I was voted King of my Junior Prom, and the old King was a Senior and was graduating that year.

And all the lies about me that was propagating about me, was a lie being reborn, and in turn they were distorting my image, that led to more lies about me, until they were enveloping me, and I didn’t know what was true anymore. … I had to make up lies, to counter their teasing of me, so I’m a firm believer in the “you sow what you reap”, so maybe I lied first… or not, my memory is failing at an alarming rate right now.

Memories are seeds, that lead to other thoughts or other memories, it takes off on propagating/spreading to occupy your mind’s garden… with obsessive thoughts and memories… like nostalgic moments.

It’s just a thought of memories being seeds of the mind’s eye, propagating wildly infecting your mind with weeds, or beneficial crops.

Good Memories = Beneficial Crops
Bad Memories = Weeds

I would like to look out my window, and see fields of beneficial crops, rather than wild growing weeds… it’s too much work to discover the truth about them. The weeds we haven’t found a use for them yet, cause I believe even weeds have a purpose, it’s discovering the use for them, it is a lot of work.

It’s like sifting through a lot of junk to find the sentimental reasons for their existence… in your life, like a hoarder’s trash… they don’t want to get rid of it, because there is a sentimental connection to it.

There is good and bad, right and wrong, and two opposites to everything in life… left and right, cold and hot… I could go on and on naming things that opposite of each other, but that’s not a good memory for me.

I would rather leave you with a good memory…
Oh, this a public journal, masked as a private journal.
I’m writing what I want to share with you, and I forget I’m writing a personal journal that should be private.
See, my memory is not good, I forget everything…

Well, that is one weed being pulled from my garden in my mind.
Sorry for the abrupt ending, but I’ve been up all night, and didn’t get up to eat my dinner last night… so I’m fasting intermittently… I’m a sad story.

Why would anyone want to read about my life?



Season of Manipulations

This song is the hard truth behind the distorted filter of Mankind’s lens… and it depends on your perspective, of what you see.

We have many perspectives, some cynical, and some wholesome, I lean towards the cynical side this Christmas season. I see manipulations with emails, and wanting presents, all at the cost of me/you… under the labels of “sales”.

This little song is one way to look at it.

t chips away at our characters, and kills us to please their distorted view… I see it as a Monster of Confusion attacking us with sharp teeth, like the Cave Rabbit in the Monty Python’s ” The Holy Grail”.
The Holy Hand Grenade killed the Rabbit/Sales… or something along that line to eat away at your character… the same part of you that judges morality and ethical reactions of your own being.

Too much to discuss with you here, but it’s planting the seed in you, and now is a thought, to proceed to the next thought, and grow into a berry bush, or fruit trees, and the many thoughts that will grow from your harvesting of your fruits, with their own seeds…
And will you propagate them, or will you see them as weeds, and burn them to ashes?

This season of manipulations should be a joyous one, but it’s filled with lies and consumer tales that propagate like weeds… I’m having a hard time deciding to give Amazon gift cards to everyone, and let them pick their own gift, or not send anything at all, and be the Grinch this year… but this is the season of love, and I want to spread that message, instead of the Grinch message.

I would like to awake as Scrooge did on Christmas morning, in hysterical laughter, and scaring his house staff into fear by his peculiar actions.
And everything forward from that moment will be clear and sure… but I’m not depending on that moment, but by the grace of God, by the spirits that make up God… since “God is Spirit” according to Jesus… and I would like to follow him, he spread mercy and forgiveness… and hopefully truths, instead of lies.

What is Spirit?

Spirit to me, is emotional feelings… what you feel with your heart… instead of your logical and creative brain… where songs are born and reside.

IDK what spirit is, but that’s my best guess.

Remember, Jesus spoke to an ancient culture, and what he said is by third and fourth party embellishments of what he said…

I need to learn more about Matthew… I thought he wrote the new testament gospel, but was a tax collector, but he was one of the twelve disciples… so I fell short in my understanding.
I thought that John was the only disciple that wrote a gospel, but Matthew was too.

It’s been over 40 years ago when I read the bible, and what was in the bible, only confirmed what the spirit taught me in the previous year… God doesn’t like to be caged and studied like an animal… God’s a free spirit.

That’s religion’s job, caging God and studying God, for their own agendas… much like the tech corporations of today… they change their names at the first sign of trouble, so that they survive.

They want to control God, but they do already, cause God is a part of you/them… God is the reason that you breathe, and have physical life, you must learn about your spiritual side, before you die, cause you go into the spiritual world… you must prepare for your transition through the valley of death into the new world.

I can always hope that the rabbit hole, is not like the rabbit cave.
I fear nothing, but I’m startled by the fears attacking me, but I’m always victorious when I don’t surrender to fear.
Death is nothing more than sleep/rest from a hard life.

Deliver me from the season of manipulations… and let me live my life without obstructions… stop throwing rocks of judgment that litter our paths, and make it hard to travel on this highway of truths and lies.



Season Of Not Knowing


I want to start with this song, it’s the season of not knowing for me, and what waits for me in the Spring of 2023… probably nothing… as every Spring was nothing before.

If you want to see the lyrics then go to Youtube, it’s somewhere in the comments.

I tried to post it here, but it never was formatted correctly… so I’m passing you off to Youtube.

Now my 2 cents, I can relate to this lamenting song… it’s mildly lamenting… and it’s saying, what I feel right now.

The line of the lyrics, “you’re not alone”… raises my suspicions of the music industry’s agenda… people making covers of old songs, and resembling an artificial lung to keep the heart beating of pop/rock/metal/alternative/blues/jazz/etc. music… life is so much more that that… music is alive by the songwriters, and music industry is in charge of the profits, that is made from the songs.

Reminds me of a scenario of baking a cake, and someone buying it and mass producing it, with their brand on it, like its their property… the music industry is like that… a legalized thievery.
They offer you fame as their payment, and lock up all the publishing in their safes of what you own.

Youtube is where the agendas are figured out… I’ve been studying it for 2 years now, not by my own choice… but I see covers being done, during the two seasons, that I’ve been on bedrest, and then the next wave comes in against the Youtube shores, and it is another cover… or another new original song with the same theme as the cover songs.

So I don’t know… anything… only suspicions.

Season of not knowing about my life… is what we all face… at whatever level you are on, or if you sold out, and are content with your life. We all feel the same way, but only the feelings are the same, only your situations are different.

Like the song before by Shawn James called “Midnight Dove”.
“No, We’re Not The Same” was the line about people living in different places, one was living in the desert with thorns and weeds, and someone was living in the woods with beautiful trees… but they felt the same feelings…
Joy is always joy, and sadness is always sadness, fear is always fear, but hope is always hope… the feelings are the same, but the surroundings are different.

It’s something to ponder, for me anyways… you might be different from your battles with your egos, and fame battles… we all feel the same things, at least, I think I know for now, but that could change tomorrow.
It’s from my observations of the world… who knows what will happen after I’m dead.

I have a lot of suspicions… only incomplete facts… which is what the world’s fuel consists of suspicions, born of incomplete facts.

We are at the mercy of our fears… in otherwords, not knowing.



Words are they conveying a message, or another abstract smoke signal?


Words are just a form of letters, that we design from the alphabets, from the various different languages, to communicate what we have to say, with the rest of the world’s populations.

“Communication” is the key word here.
We have to design our communication skills first, or it’s another smoke signal… which is as used to gain attention.
The message is obscure and vague, unless there is an agreement beforehand, or explained to you after hand, but the communication, is always done through words.

It would be better to communicate through thoughts, but you need telepathic powers to do that.
Though thoughts contain words, so you need words to communicate to others… unless you want to live in the Wonderland of Alice permanently.

his thought of “words” was sparked by this song by Shawn James called “Midnight Dove”, and it talked about the differences of cultures, and environments.
“No, We’re Not The Same” were the lyrics that sparked this thought, and started a wildfire, that revealed what was hidden in the weeds.

The last lyrical line of the song is “Midnight Dove, Why do you wander alone?”
I ask that question of myself everyday… when I wake up to a new day, and ask it of myself every night when I go to bed/sleep…

And I’m asking God, and God’s not talking to me anymore… with words.
It’s more thoughts and feelings.
I’m crippled in those two areas too as well… lacking in understanding of thoughts, and numb to the spirit’s feelings… but I keep moving forward, like it’s my mission… or breathing in and out, everyone’s mission in life.

ometimes, I go deep into rhetoric and philosophy, looking to master words, as if they’re my pets… and they don’t turn vicious like a junkyard dog.
I need to work on my communication skills.

I have been accused of being a Judas, many times by my ex-girlfriends and ex-friends, but it was my lack of talent of communication skills, that was the culprit… I lacked empathy to anothers feelings, which was like a stick in my wheelchair wheels, and made it difficult to get around with my communication skills.

You need to be aware of everything around you, if you are to communicate successfully.
You have one thing missing from the picture, that you want to communicate, it’s like missing code, or an error in the code of a programming language.
One error leads to another error, and so on and so on… until you need to reboot the PC, and start over, and it will happen again, until you fix the error in the code.

This is my occupying thought of the day… Words and Communication skills, both are lacking with me, as with the rest of the world… I wonder where I get it from… the chicken or the egg scenario, which came first.

Oh, I’m going into another long rant… rant’s are equal to letting the air out of a full balloon, you don’t know where it’s going to go.



Why Do I Make a Personal Journal, Public?

I‘ve been questioning that in my head for weeks, maybe even months… it reveals what’s in my heart, and where my mind is at this time in my life… a sad case, or an angry case… we all get angry, and go into a rages in our minds.

I get verbal in my rages, cause that relieves the most pressure of my rages in my mind… the pressure builds up, and I have to release the pressure, or go insane… I want to communicate with the world, and be a part of their development… If I seem a little weird, then that’s me… a weirdo.

You need weird things growing in the world, it makes you beautifully unique, and if you weren’t there, it would seem ugly and barren… and like all the other conforming weeds.

We all need a little weirdness to smile about and chuckle about, but I try to please everyone, which is impossible, cause everyone is different… it would rip me apart, and leave me broken and depressed.

But don’t think you know me, cause I hide my skeletons, cause I fear judgment of people who practice prejudices, without knowing all the facts… mainly bigots, blaming and judging those different from themselves.

I show the core of my being only to God, and my thoughts are the expressions of my mind, conveying my questions and answers, I found in this life.
Words, sometimes comes out of my mouth, that offends others, and confuses the topics we’re discussing, but in the end things start to settle, and no longer cloud the issue.
I’m a weirdo… so give me some slack.

I’ll play this Radiohead Song “Creep”, and leave it at that.



Fruity Loops Studio Activation???

I bought the FL Studio Signature 21, and I couldn’t activate it, because of all the tabs I had open in the Firefox browser… there must’ve been close to over a 100 tabs.

So, I used it for free, though I paid Sweetwater $300 for it, and I can’t activate it… you go and activate it on their site, and then they send you a confirm email, and you have to log in to their site, and have to re-login to your account, though you never logged out, then they send you a 5-6 number code… with the number of tabs I had to scroll through… it seems it was forever.

Eventually I gave up, and contacted, and asked them to activate it… and they sent me the previous page of instructions.

I liked Sonic Foundry Acid loops, and it was a DAW too… then they sold it to Sony, and they sold it to Magix… It’s a nightmare to keep the same company… with everyone looking to make money and profit from their inventions… they say lifetime upgrades, I was fooled by Affinity Photo on my assumptions of their lifetime upgrades… until version 2 came out, but I had to buy another suite set of Version2 for $100.

They’re supposed to upgrade for a lifetime… at least that’s what they say…

The inline streaming ads rule, in fact this is a good video, and he deserves the money for the work and research… but he’d be better off going with Patreon, I have a lot of problems with Patreon too…
It just feeds the greedy dogs on youtube marketing… monetizing the videos does.

It’s about to break the dam, the consumer dam… and prices are already going through the ceiling… it doesn’t go much further than the clouds… there is no air to breathe in space.



The Tech of Nodes, Networking, Languages, etc.

was flooded with networking videos on Youtube, so I figured I would flood you/us too.
I need to spend time on Kompoz and learn it, or my inbox is flooded with all the new followers that I’m following on there… Life gets complicated, the more you get involved with things.

So to get back to networking and nodes(PCs, Macs, Linux Distros, etc.) that make up the network… each node is connected to the next node with whatever topology you use… and sub-nodes inside the nodes in the network… it is a node mania… the nodes are taking over the world.

There is inline streaming ads, this needs to be stopped…
and Youtube is the culprit/thief/greed/demons.

Why does the creator do the inline steaming ads?
It blocks the displays with ads, it blocks the most important data.

his may be over your head, but it’s the first step to understanding nodes, and how every individual/person is a Node in itself… just like networking computers, people connect to each other too.
It’s more realtime, than the blasting speed of  PCs, but the principles are the same.

Communication is the keys that you use, and words make up those keys… they carry the language that you understand, there are many languages on Earth… which could be compared to the many coding languages too, that PCs understand.

Then I came across this video of Jordan Peterson giving his outlook on his views of the literary world… words make up our perceptions, that we share in our communications… it’s confusing me as I type.
But maybe you need to watch the video… it started with the Bible, which was designed by the Roman empire, after the persecutions of the Christians… it’s a dirty history lesson.

could sum up my morning with streaming Youtube videos, but I would not like to block the views from your mind… so I would like to send you to Youtube, and lessen my API usage… and battle the horrendous inline streaming ADs, the best way I can figure out… my premium service family plan, went up this month by $5 per month.
I will rest in peace by killing my enemy(Marketing ADs)… not through violence, but with love and diplomacy… it attacks their minds with compassion, and hope they change, before it’s too late.

Anyway, these are links to the Youtube servers, and you’re at the whims of Google domains.

This is a story of my morning with Utah’s Prison that cost over $1 billion dollars.

 Nationwide attacks on energy substations… I saw attacks on mass mob mentality, by the propaganda distributed by the Mainstream Media…

Nationwide propaganda

ABC’s story of South Carolina’s attack(There is a plea for commercials at 2:16 by George Stephanopoulos)… RIP with Love,Truth,Understanding

Then I was bombarded with other fear bubbles, that were created by the preppers on youtube , news media, etc.
The owner of a North Philadelphia gas station says he took security measures into his own hands to keep his customers and employees safe.”

Then there was this speaker at the EU Parliament, that gave you the bitter truth by Professor Ryszard Legutko, on the other side of the of the pond.

I’ve excused you from all the other junk, that I had to look through… oh this is for my benefit… sorry…
I forget this is my personal public journal.

  • I’m putting in open to another tab to the links… you need to make the close the tabs on a smartphone easier, I’m on a laptop, and closing tabs in the browser is easy as a click on the tab… but when I used the smartphones, it was a nightmare on closing the other tabs/windows/ports.
    I’m not that smart, as the smartphones… which is a zombie creator in my opinion.



My Entry to the Daily Rant

I just need to bleed the pressure on this poor soul, internal pressures guide us to the next node in life… and those mesh nodes are like filters that form what we do to life… it’s like the nodes in the Free, and the paid Studio DaVinci Resolve video editing program.

According to Google search on NODES the basic meaning is this:

networking nodes

  • 1.
    a point at which lines or pathways intersect or branch; a central or connecting point.
    “the intersections of two or more such arteries would clearly become major nodes of traffic and urban activity”

Nodes make it easier to change the image, by clicking a mouse or not clicking it… instead of layers like Photoshop, Gimp, Affinity, etc. .

The trillions of mesh nodes in your brains, of the different neurons, and how you connect them measures your IQ scores capabilities. Your brain is your workplace to design your life, and become what you aspire to.

They’re(NODES) like filters that change an image more powerfully, and you should experiment with your testing, on your own image/self.
It’s what you do to improve/change your own life… or fuck it up… but because it’s a  node and separate from your core being, you just have to delete it, rather than go through a couple of steps of layer based editing.

It’s like cut and paste editing in making a collage, compared to taking a digital image camera, and importing the images into a software program… you might like crafts, which would make the point I’m trying to convey, just a mute point.

Nodes, how do you apply them to self, and what are they?

Well that’s a good question… I have to think about them first, to articulate it, so you/we can understand.

It’s a thought process of the human mind, and ideas are separate nodes… and ideas are formed in your mind’s fantasies, journeys to Wonderland, logic, in fact any kind idea, where ever you thought of it… it is like a node.
And questions are like nodes too, it raises your critical thinking talents… it also distorts your view, and takes/steals away the truth.

So you can fuck up your life with nodes, there is also a benefit  to working with nodes, it blesses your life with new discoveries, but we don’t know what tomorrow brings to your life, it could be hell, or it could be heaven… I’m just being, metaphorically speaking here.

It could further fuck up your life, or it could be a blessing… to say it simply.



I Went And Joined Kompoz

I had a hard time understanding it, the my posting on it, and the differing writing, and how to initiate the collaboration… it wasn’t very intuitive… or maybe I’m fading into oblivion reaching for the sun on the horizon.

Anyway, I’m trying to figure it out, but I need to sleep and rest too…

So, I’d like to finish this, and add the new mix with Lynn’s vocals, and my machine voice… but I had a lot of problems with mic feedback, when I tried it last time… so I gave up and I will try again… at my turtle speed.
When you get old, you’re not as quick minded as you were in your 20’s and 30’s… and even your 40’s.

It needs tweaks here and there… it isn’t finished yet.

Here is a rough mix with Lynn’s vocals.
Megalopolis3 with Lynn’s Backing Vox

I want to finish this, but I haven’t had faith in awhile.
You know in a couple of months, the Pandemic started about 3 years ago, and we’ve been living in a fear bubble as a cage, that we can’t get out of, at least here in the US of America… which is showing/revealing the lies, that have been in place in the govt, since I was born.

But I see hope, and then it quickly disappears behind the shadows… from the politics, and the religious rhetoric… and we get sucked into manipulation mode again… it’s sad.

I want to free everyone, but the walls setup to hide the truth, and the bubbles, setup to manipulate the populace, lock you in fear cages.

I feel a rant coming on… so I need to stop banging my head against the wall of control/maze, cause there must be another way around it… it’s like a giant stumbling block, with no exit doors… except death.



Love and Lust Reassessed

I wrote a piece on “Lust is Rust to Love : A Relationship in Danger”, and I want to add/change another understanding I had 5 years ago, cause I found some other understanding in my daydreams/fantasies/wonderland, whatever you want to call it… it’s a spiritual thing… so in fact it’s even “prayers” with God.

I need to ponder what I’m going to articulate… to make sense of it. 

I want to discuss Love as the beginning of a paragraph, and lust as the closing sentence of the paragraph… they are related as twins… lust is the jealous twin, that has a personal problem with insecure feelings that no one understands her, and love is the virtuous twin that has everything with abundant blessings to her, which would make any saint jealous.

They are both together, and they learn about each other, and they’re relationships to each other… you see one, and you get both together…you see Love, and you have relationship with Lust too… it’s inevitable.

It’s a gender view, cause I’m a male, and I see Love and Lust as females… so excuse the narrowmindedness views of myself.

I still believe that lust is responsible for rust in a relationship, and the amount of lust is the culprit, in the falling away of the strong bond between two people… with rust as the bonding surface, it needs to be made bare metal to make it a strong bond with love as the glue, lust is the paint that you cover it with.

This could change… IDK everything.
I just read that old post, and came up with the image of Love being the first line in the paragraph, and Lust being the last line in the paragraph… and the sisters thought came after, you meet Love, and you get Lust in the end… they’re a package.

It’s my sick mind… get used to it.




I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
And I fear no evil because I’m blind to it all

And my mind and my gun they comfort me
Because I know I’ll kill my enemies when they come

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell on this earth forevermore
Said, I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul
But I can’t walk on the path of the right because I’m wrong

Well, I came upon a man at the top of a hill
Called himself the savior of the human race
Said he come to save the world from destruction and pain
But I said, “How can you save the world from itself?”

‘Cause I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
And I fear no evil because I’m blind
Oh, and I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul
But I know when I die my soul is damned

Now I know when I die my soul is damned
Now I know when I die my soul is damned

This song requires my take/rebuttal on it, I know Jesus or someone representing Jesus, came to me in Spirit… as a voice in my head with my imagination seeing, what I saw in my head/mind/heart.
Then it all came true, later that month… and I vowed my servitude, if it came true… time passed, and it came true by the end of the month in 1977… just as the visit in the spirit said.

Jesus also said in the gospel of Matthew chapter 10 verse 34:

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth:
I came not to send peace, but a sword.
For I am come to set a man at variance against his father,
and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

So we listen to third parties talking of Jesus’ sayings, and three of those gospels were written after Jesus was crucified… so we don’t know what Jesus said, or not said… we have only fools and con men selling their interpretation of the scriptures, that were included in the Bible, and we forgot all the other scriptures that were not included in the Bible… the dead sea scrolls, and a whole host of lost Gnostic scriptures, and the not so Gnostic scriptures.

But critically think about the scriptures not in the bible, and also in the bible, and learn about the message of the New Testament… God became the merciful and the most forgivable, instead of the tyrant God of the Old Testament.

Read the Bible, and sit in your own mind/spirit/heart… and come up with your own interpretation of what it meant to you… discern from hate and love, lies and truths, duality of life, where things are the opposite of the goals ahead… the yin and the yang… every religion is a combination of the whole picture… cause there is valuable truth in all.

It’s like a very big jigsaw puzzle of the night sky and the stars… you don’t need to know your astronomy data, cause it requires the Winter and Summer night skies, together in one pic, cause that is all our knowledge of the space beyond our world.

You can’t understand the vastness of God… “God Is Spirit” according to Jesus, and what is spirit you question yourself, that’s why you should seek the Spirit of God, and be able to discern the difference from God, and the devils and the angels… and also your own imagination, cause that has been the devils and angels tools to feed you, the seeds of weeds and crops.

What brought me to this point of rebuttal, is this line of the lyrics:
“And my mind and my gun they comfort me
Because I know I’ll kill my enemies when they come”

Not seeking the SPIRIT, is what I sense… We should “love our enemies”, instead of judging them and shooting them, imagine how many innocent people were murdered by that system of justice… even now our system of justice serves the rich, and sentences the poor.

So we seek the righteous spirit in the temple of your own body, instead of physical church… you should be seeking God in prayer in your own body/soul, cause that’s where God is… or whoever is your interpretation of God is.

Eventually you’ll see God and understand, when God is revealed… at our best to understand God, cause God is as vast as the Universe… God is the first big bang, if you believe in that scenario… it’s what happened before the Big Bang, is the question that enters my mind.

Don’t hate, instead of love, treat others, as you would have them treat you… and decide if they’re a friend or foe.
If they’re a foe, don’t hate them, love them… and see how that works.

Hello inline streaming ADs, it will fade away at one minute… youtube makes it confusing, to say the least… I’m sick of people/artists making the measly money off of their ads in their songs.
You deserve so much more, than ads in your songs… it’s like commercials that you can’t shut off.



Trees to Please

I went by the band name of “TREES”, but that faded, and Rain became the new name, to feed the trees’ dreams… I think weird… so this song brings back memories of what I was doing in 1984-85.

I wanted to be a rock star, back then… now I’m surrounded by trees in a forest with mountain lions, wolves, and bears… searching for the yellow brick road, much like playing pretend, like Alice in Wonderland… what a nightmare… I’ve dreamt.

Hopefully, I’ll make another album with new songs, that somebody will like… I can always dream.

I guess after you hear it, you wonder if I’m still in the blues mode… nah, I say… I was blue to sickness yesterday, and it passed.

It comes up out of the ground every once in awhile, and then it retreats back into the rabbit hole, that it climbed out of.

Hello inline streaming ADs, it will fade away at one minute… youtube makes it confusing, to say the least… I’m sick of people making money off of other peoples songs.



Woke Depressed and Turned on Youtube, and Got Even More Depressed


The world is a mess, and we need to clean it up… with a world’s population of 7-9 billion people, each person/cause has a different method of cleaning it up, which makes me sad, and even sadder as I go further down the road, and it becomes more complicated with everyone voicing their concerns… with different immeasurable causes, all of them in conflicting with each other.

I wish I never woke up, or I had more time to rest and sleep… maybe even died and went to my permanent rest, and scoured off into oblivion/forgottenness/obscurity… to be seen no more.
I should be seen to make this a positive experience… but in all this mess… it seems impossible, but I know its possible.

I needed a lift up pill, and that song is my blues, me feeling sorry for myself… but it’s better than wallowing in my sorrow/despair, digging ruts, that I can’t climb out of.

Music has always been a lifter for me, out of depression and despair… but it’s not permanent, only a quick relief… like an aspirin… the pain comes back.

I needed a stronger pain relief… sorry for the sad music… it’s only temporary…

We all need pain relief, but don’t become and addict… and scare other people away… or otherwise you’ll feel like me.

Since the Pandemic started, I’ve been in and out of civilian and VA hospitals, and never caught the Covid19. It’s been 3 years, since the Pandemic started … and the pricks by truth, has been your salvation to pop the fear bubbles, rather than be washed away by the waves of lies.

Well I don’t know, cause I caught something in the VA hospital… it was a mild flu… fear bubbles are created when the virus attacks… fear shuts off your immune system… and it feeds on your sickness.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself”  —  Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR)

That was an uplifting pill of pain relief… I need another song… to pop the fear bubble and swim freely.

I rest my case… with talking to jury… and the judges of this divine court… aka Earth… maybe this is the way to paradise, but it’s a work in progress, and my eyes/mind are working on it… I need to vent/rant, and listen to songs as floats, so that my mind can breathe, and not drown in my thoughts… now it’s time to swim to the next float. :-) 



Hard Hard Rain



This song by Geoff Gibbons is new, and has a different tone and lyrics from the Bob Dylan‘s song “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall”.

“Hard Hard Rain” is the story of my life, in an indirect way, with lots of gaps.
Rain fills those gaps with mountain creeks, rivers, lakes, and oceans… in a metaphorical sense.

I named my first studio in NY, by the “Rain Studio” name… 1985-1996.
Rain always meant to me as suffering with the dark clouds over your head, but you need rain if anything is to grow on this world… like you have to study to learn anything new… you need rain also, if you want fruit to bear on the trees.

Then the Internet changed it into an acronym, and became:
“Raw Audio Independent Networking System” aka RAINS… the

2RAINS became my virtual band name, but I’m thinking of going by RM Tomidjah as my solo name.
Mike McFee died this past 2020, and the others in the virtual band members were Lynn VoorheesEric Wetmore, Darren Collins and Josh Shultis (for about a week or two total)… and a whole host of others, I forgot the names of… sorry if you contributed and I haven’t seen you in 27 years…
I’m aging, and makes my mind’s memory in a degenerative state.

I’ve got involved in sample looping, when I moved to Montana, and I fell in love with that part of my life, because it was like a college class on music.., and I was the teacher and the student in one body and one mind.
I bought the ACID looping program when it was in Sonic Foundry’s control, before they sold it to Sony, and Sony sold it to Magix.

Music is repetitive and a series of drum beats makes the beats of a song pop out, and you can arrange them on the screen, and make up a song the way you want, that is your own song… of course there is some poser controversy over that.
But I can play… it’s more of playing around… I never wanted to be an ego maniac with a guitar, but I went after the money and fame at first, like the ego maniac I judged… but always held there is more to life, then fame and money.

This song is from Loops only, when Sony owned ACID… but the music is only copyright free loops… the only weak part of the song is my vocals.

It’s been 1996-2023 in a few short months, since I left NY, and went to Sitka, AK for 3 years, and came to Montana in 1999, and bought a piece of property and built a house… which makes 27 years when I left NY, and became more lost in the rain than ever before.
But that’s life… constantly growing towards the Sun light, with rainy day breaks in between.

And feeling lost every now and then, but there is always hope that you will face your maker as a friend, and not as an enemy… but God’s enemies are in the courts of Heaven and Hell (Read the book of Job in the Old Testament)… God created them too.

It’s God’s engines in a metaphorical sense, and we’re God’s fuel… the motivational force… this all metaphorical senses, that I’m talking about.

I would rather die in my sleep, cause I’ve lived hell already…
We all lived in hell already, and trying to make it better, and failing all the time, equals hell… so we should all die in our sleep.



Love Hurts, or is Love a House of Mirrors?

t’s true that “Love Hurts”, but there is more to love, than hurts and storms of rains, it’s enlightening too.
Burden lifting during tough times, and a whole host of other redeeming qualities.

Love is more than being nice and compassionate, it’s a House of Mirrors that you enter, and see if you can get out of together.
It’s a maze of mirrors, that gives you too many reflections. It confuses you, to set you off of the clear path, there is only the reflections to guide you.

Love is a maze to figure out on how to get out of the maze of love together… you don’t go in alone.
You can even lose the partner in the maze, and it shows the sensitivity of their hearts… cause that can be compared to the reflections you see.

They may seem far away, but in reality, they’re only a few steps away. It’s the many reflections that confuse you. You can hear them, but you don’t know that the reflections are misleading… cause left is right in the reflections, and there are reflections of reflections, which are really misleading… it’s house of reflections, which would be a better name for it.

Communication with your partner is the key to get out, it creates the bond, that you need to get out, and not feel lost.
Which is easy for love to mask itself, as a refection, instead of a reflection of another reflection, that you don’t know if what you see is a true reflection, or another reflection… where you are confused of your right and your left.

Feelings can compared to the reflections too… you can get confused with jealousy, making you paranoid, that he is seeing someone else.

Reflections can be killers too… they can destroy your characters/personalities… ugliness is the killers of your self esteems, that maybe there is too much weight, or not enough weight in some circumstances.

But you’re beautiful just the same… even if the reflections were not there.
Love is a trickster, like the raven/dove, but compassionate all the same… with an abundance of redeeming qualities… Love Hurts, but also Love Saves.

This is video is the PS(PostScript) of a letter… or this post.



Taylor Mitchell (†19) Clarity
(For Your Consideration)

Taylor Mitchell was a Canadian Folk Singer Songwriter, she put out one album, before she was fatally attacked by coyotes on a hiking trail in Cape Breton, NS in 2009.

This is her singing “The Prayers We Light”.

‘The Prayers We Light’, a deeply moving song written and performed by Taylor Mitchell, recorded live via web streaming at her last concert on October 25 2009 just 3 days before her tragic death at the age of only 19.
(video extract courtesy “Squirrels in The Attic” house concerts, with special thanks to Maureen and Steve).

his is an interview she did before the fatal attack in Cape Breton, NS.

“Somehow found this interview on the Internet, and I’m very grateful I did, because it gives a fair reflection on who Taylor Mitchell actually was and why her tragic death is such a great loss, not only to the musical world.
Keep her memory alive.”— deuxfleuves


I bought her songs on Amazon  Music… every other link was bad,,, though the iTunes link was OK

It’s sad that she was killed by the vicious coyotes, she fought them every step she could, though she bled to death when rescue workers arrived, and drove her to the hospital… but she moved to another hospital and died anyway… it’s sad, she had a lot of soul to share.

You can visit her page and make a donation

“The Legacy Trust funds will go towards:

  • Community outreach to educate about habitat preservation, the delicate balance between human and wildlife interaction in both natural and urban settings, as well as safety precautions.
  • outreach in the schools to promote musical/creative expression and aspirations among youth (Taylor herself had released a critically acclaimed CD at only 18).
  • an annual youth bursary administered by the Folk Music Ontario (Taylor was a member) to be given to a young and aspiring musician.
  • donations to the David Suzuki Foundation for programs like wildlife and habitat protection.”

In memory of Taylor, the public can also donate directly to the David Suzuki Foundation at 1-800-453-1533 x 1243 or online at

This is another page that Taylor Mitchell’s Mom setup to keep her music and memory alive.



Ecstasy a word, or a feeling, or both?


The key to successful communication, is to be able to understand the meaning of the words that you use.

I always thought that ecstasy was “blissfully ignorant”, I was surprised by the definition.

ecstasy (ĕk′stə-sē)
1.) Intense joy or delight.
2.) A state of emotion so intense that one is carried beyond rational thought and self-control.
3.) The trance, frenzy, or rapture associated with mystic or prophetic exaltation.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition

The ecstasy of realizing that I was wrong.
Well not totally wrong, but I was given a clearer understanding of the word.

So, it helps my articulation skills in my blog writing, rather than a long wandering rant, I can be more twitter minded, and be more tweet like… cause everyone is lost trying to understand long rants.


Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” is a song from Sarah McLachlan, but it doesn’t have the word “Ecstasy” in it, but the title… she dropped/fumbled the word in delivering it.



Digital World Delusions

I‘m not one into screaming rock, but this little song with lyrics on the screen.
I have to say I agree with, but what kind of revolution do they speak of?
If it’s a violent one, then don’t count me in, according to John Lennon in the Revolution song.

We are living in an unreal world now, with a mix of digital and reality… manipulative digitally and manipulative reality by the marketeers, with ads as their vessels of war… tanks bringing destruction to the minds that watch them.


I‘m using Starklink, and I’m using this infected laptop to post this, and there’s a problem posting this… so I have a menagerie of choices to blame for my situation… these errors that are not in my control.
Maybe I’ll make sense and it will be alright… and the errors will disappear.

I need to make sense, and the powers that be on the internet, will change their minds, and allow this to go through.
I found the problem, it’s with WordPress, they have a bug in their new update… I needed to go to text mode and put the <p> before and after </p> the link to youtube to see the thumbnail.


The thoughts in my mind now, and I want to address them…
We live in a confusing world, and it gets more confusing, when we want to make a change… by writing more laws, wars, politics, etc. … we need to make it simple for the weak minded, the total populations of the world, including myself.

I can get confused and hurt, when wars start, that were started not by me, or in my control… they’re in the control of the politicians.
Who are self confessed liars, we get proof of that every election day… they lie continually in their campaigns, and once they’re  elected… they act as if they never said it.

This digital world needs a revolution, but not a destructive one, to rebuild after the war is over, but a reformative one, to change what is wrong with this first draft.
The world is complicated already, and it’s not understood by tweets.
You can’t simplify, what is already complicated… unless you’re a dictator.

People need freedom to decide their own fate, and your digital reality is not a dictatorship of the people, that you want to control.
That is addressed to the corporations that make up your army, for total domination of our freedoms… DARPA doesn’t own the Internet, they’re only the creators/architects of the internet… they don’t own it.
In fact, the army of corporations don’t own it, either… except by delusions in their minds.

No one owns the internet, but the people who paid for it… with their tax dollars… the people’s money bought it… and it continually pays after with the corruption that festers in little sections with scams/thievery.

It’s the people’s property, and not for your sick agendas… “it’s a big club, and you ain’t in it”, George Carlin on the nation’s ownership.
I’m not George Carlin, but I agree with him… we don’t live in a fantasy world, but we fight for our sanity everyday.



Game Plan… or Mental Designs…
or Deciding your Future


his is the start of the day for me, trying to figure out what to post on FB, and making more of what I am going to do with the Siteground site.

I started Allayer.Net with the idea that Allayer meant:
Takes away the intensity of fear and confusion of getting too deep… wasn’t available, though I would rather have that… but Allayer.Net was available… it was more the meaning of the name is why I bought the domain name… I was just restarting web authoring, after about 10-12 years when it was just HTML language, before they went into CSS which made it complicated to me… WordPress takes care of all that.

Here… is the meaning of Allayer.


I started this site for the spreading the love of music, cause I couldn’t play it anymore, after I had a stroke which crippled my right arm, and left it numb to surface feelings, so I had to favor my left arm for feeling… taking hot things from the oven, emptying my piss bag, my signature is different every time I sign something…etc. …

it’s just the fears, that I wanted to get out of my life, cause it was a stick in my wheelchair wheels, and made my life, like a cripp with a whip, and I wanted to roam freely without stumbling blocks… fear being the main one… it was fear that kept me from venturing out, and conquering/overcoming obstacles, that I faced.

So I chose the Allayer.Net…
Surface feelings of the skin is crippling in itself… no one knows, that even the little things makes you sadder even more, and you miss it… whine whine whine.

nyway, I started this site and all the other websites are forwarded to here, and too.
I have other sites and too, but they’re my future databases of music without copyrights or copyrighted already, it’s more for the love of music, that is more important to me.

I need help with the structuring of the site, by young minds, that want to setup a free music posting site… music from pop, jazz, rock, hip hop, rap, etc. … there are so many genres… it makes my brain lock up, like a PC, it needs to reboot… to clear the RAM memory with the error.

ust be familiar with WordPress, and if you learn how to use the block editor … they say it’s better than the classic editor, but it’s not very intuitive, and wasted my one addition to this Journal into the digital graveyard, never to be seen or remembered again.

And also experience with structuring the many music styles/genres, and categorizing them with data… such as lyrics, info, metadata, etc. … there is too much to list… a little coding is needed too, cause I understand coding.
I’m leaning to more of the hardware coding, but I don’t have the time to learn of the higher level software coding… I don’t have a young mind anymore…recall is restricted/limited… young minds have the recall, like reflexes.

It’s more therapy for me, trying to connect with the rest of the world… I want to allay their fears of the unknown and God, and believe from the heart, that’s where the law is written in the hearts of saints and sinners… cause we’re all sinners/errors in the human code… yet, we are all here anyway.



This is me taking a break from backing up and restoring a post about yesterday, that got deleted in the block editor, cause it was the 25th of November, which is today…  it was after midnight last night… and Siteground changed the interface… I managed to restore it without last nights posting… I posted about a Styx song Boat on the River… which I compared it to our bodies, as vessel on the river of life… it’s a thought anyway.

So I wondered about Styx, and they have a new album out now called the “Crash of the Crown”, the album and the song, I wonder if it was prophetic, since the Queen died this Summer… it came out in 2021, so it was a self fulfilling prophecy, cause she was almost a 100 years old.

Anyway, this is the song that went into digital deletion graveyard…

Without the Elon Musk bashing, and all his continuous failures… which makes him a charlatan, or very sick scheming man … but he is delivering Starlink, which I’m using now… cause of the upload speeds, DSL is not even 500Kb, where uploads on Starlink are 25Mb, which is about 40-50 times faster.

Before I go into another rant… I should get up to eat… here is the link to the new Styx song.

It has inline Ads streaming ads… that is Youtube’s fault… I would like to get rid of all ads trying to sell you something… they need their own site, and see who shows up to read their ads…

I would if I wanted to buy something, I’ll think about it… but doing commercials when I was a young cute kid, I saw the underbelly of what goes on in their manipulation tactics… lies and lies and more lies… with a little topping of truth.



Masks and The Internet

We all wear masks on the internet, and we reveal what goes through our minds, and our hearts… leaving lots of gaps, throughout what we write, and reveal only a microscopic side of our lives.
Which needs to be filled with our imaginations and speculations, and the bridges you build to this soul, needs to be maintained with true thoughts, and not the delusions, of what we think in our thoughts.

It must be a two way conversation, and not the dictations of a one way conversation.
So that the two of us, are on the same playing field, and one of us is not in a dark fantasy world, lying to themselves, and digging ruts to make the trip a rough bumpy road.

Narcissism is one bump down the road, where you hide behind the many masks of social behavior… the masks we wear are supposed to be accepted.

I went into a rage moment, cause my mouse’s battery was dead, and it was dark in the room, and I needed my mouse to select a Facebook notification about a post… it worked before when it was daylight out.
But when I returned to bed, it was dead… and I went into a rage… with anger as my fuel, I put the rage mask on, and went mad by myself… instead of in public.

It wasn’t a good experience… I was saying things of a self grandiose nature in my rage moment… I’ve always been a self criticizer, and it’s my only virtue… I judge myself, rather than other people… cleaning out my my own garden, or I let it grow wild and the weeds takeover.
This pandemic has been weed growing wild season, and needs to be addressed.

This was the notification from FB, this was the close of this journal entry, because it was tonight when I got back to bedrest, and found out my mouse’s battery was dead, after I turned the light out.
So I had to turn the light on again, and see if there was a fresh battery in the nightstand, and there was… and once I replaced the battery… I was feeling a bit perturbed by my rage moment with anger… I said some awful things to the universe.

We all get angry, and Illeism takes over, where you feel so self important, and feel sorry for yourself… I don’t have anyone here, to talk to.
Left alone with your mind for 23 waking hours, and I get a break for about an hour with someone, I hired to clean out the litterbox for Raini the cat… who is going to be 21 this year, sometime in February or March.
This cat will outlive me.

Anyway, this will be the close of this post… before I progress on another tangent, not dealing with masks and the internet.

Thanks Tomas, for this Like… it saved my asshole nature.

FB’s Notification:
“I went to look up “illeism”, and this came up.
Illeism is talking about yourself in the third person…using your common name, instead of “I” or “me”.
Which annoys me… like fingernails on a chalkboard… if your old enough to remember chalkboards.
But it touched indirectly on Illeism, and its traits.”


This is my first attempt on relinquishing my need for FB(Facebook), and posting what I want for my journal on there, and do it here.

There is a demise of FB, that’s taking place on there right now by the Millionaires, Billionaires, and Trillionaires in charge of the govt,  since the corporations won citizenship/people-ness, and now have the power to create sub-corporations at will.

Look at the communications and food corporations… there is a very low total, but all the subcorporations are many… and we create a legion of corporations and subcorporations, like a govt army to do our bidding.

But the people-ship is no more, and we wear the robes of fascism, disguised as freedom, an illusion in itself.
We deceive ourselves that everything is OK, but we’re addicted to the media altars to receive our peace of mind for the day.

News only depresses me, and my parents.
I watched how they yelled at the TV tube, like they were expecting an answer from the TV… but I was aware that the TV wasn’t an all knowing individual, it was a box that was invented by mankind, to sell you something, or educate you on something… but the marketeers took over the TV, with sponsorships and ads, and education took the backseat on the consumership Bus.

Egos are what’s core to us, but it’s a separate entity from us… we die and leave our connection to our egos behind, as our legacy… as history to our beings/souls here.

I’m only guessing here, but I suspect our connections to our ego-chains/brainwashing is annulled, when we leave here, at least I hope that it will be.

Egos, are like backdoors to mind control, which are being researched as I type, the research was going on before I was born…

How long before I was born?
You’d have to ask God for the answer to that question.

MK Ultra was the first, I learned of govt program to take over your mind, and was stopped under that name in 1974, and then became a whole host of other names, throughout the several decades, until now.