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03 Tomidjah’s Say – September



Tomidjah’s Journal

Where I talk to myself, and make sense of this corruptible world, and remove the errors from my mind, for sanity’s purposes… when I read, what I’ve written here, in my peace of mind in silence.


Dusty Springfield –
You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me
Cover by Emily Linge
Lyrics here

Dusty Springfield, I confused it with Buffalo Springfield, and was surprised by her being a female singer in 1966… it’s puzzling to me, with my brain’s RAM memory is exhausted by data… sometimes I need a reboot of my brain with a good night’s sleep.

You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” (originally a 1965 Italian song, ‘“Io che non vivo (senza te)“, by Pino Donaggio and Vito Pallavicini) is a 1966 hit recorded by English singer Dusty Springfield…

Singers get all the credit, and thievery goes on by the record companies or publishers, and even now the streaming factor is being filled with crooks… looking to get ahead by parasiting to someone else in the creations of their art, and hiding behind the Copyright & Patent umbrella… which has become as corruptible, as it can be.

Time has a way of dirtying it up with corruption, and it needs maintenance, which is an effort for the lazy… and we’re all lazy at times, some more than others, and some less than others… but we all are lazy slobs… sinners to some, and error prone to others.

I feel a philosophical rant coming on…

But I’ll leave it up to you, to rant in your own minds… than reading of what I have to say with preaching scriptures of God, as my source.

Which is like me, hitting my head against the wall of mystery, like a battering ram… eventually I’ll break through, and you’ll get a glimpse of what’s on the other side of that mystery wall… only a glimpse of what lies on the other side, a microscopic view of the whole… which leaves a lot out of the whole view.

I have pretty masochistic visions of pain to myself, as a light to shine on the subjects of truth, from the shadows of darkness and lies.

But this is a personal journal, that will end soon… only 2 more months to go… then I’m freed from my obligations of slavery/education, and I’ll read later, and be freed like a memory, that is captured and encased in writing… and looking back is the education of imprisoned memories.

It’s ALL good, and is our progression through time… to the next level, up or down… it’s whatever you choose.

You don’t have to say that you love me, I already know.


Frank Watkinson –
(Cover of) Stairway to Heaven

I first saw Frank and subscribed to him a couple of years before the Pandemic, and is always overjoyed when he puts out a new cover… it’s the words to a Led Zeppelin song that greets me, but I like the music too… it was supposedly stolen music from Spirit – Taurus, it’s an inspiration from Spirit, but not the song… though Page must’ve heard it from Spirit, and stole it.

I was always a Led Zeppelin fan, until they got old and didn’t tour anymore… I never saw them live, only on the big screen of their concerts… and TVs also.

I was into them in the Air Force, the one across the hall from me, was a hardcore bordering on “obsession of them” fan. They were playing them on repeat for every night… while we played Spades card games.

All the time, it’s a madhouse here… a lonely madhouse, but a madhouse all the same, with angels and demons being my only company.

I want to take the stairway to heaven, from this lonely existence… and rest with God, cause God delivered the truth to me, and love too.
Hopefully I’ll get rest with God, I’ll sleep with the rest, that I need… and wake up to hearing God saying “walk now”.

It would make my life worth it.


Freedom is just a
False Facade of the Virtual
Walls around Humanity

I‘ve been trying to machete my way the through the travel jungle, which has overgrown so much, since 9/11, and it requires more information, than I have at my disposal.

So, it’s a cage for hypocrites trapped in their cage of denial… Freedom is just a delusion of a false hope, and is a virtual cage filled with virtuality choices… and Freedom is just one of them.

It’s a noble goal, at least that’s the painting of it… and it covers the other goals in our lives, like graffiti on the humanity wall. Its nothing, but graffiti on the wall.

Even the cyber techies live in a virtual paranoia trap, and they even designed the trap.
The tech is the trap, even though it’s a virtual mind trap, they can even catch themselves in that trap, that they designed… unaware of the dangers that they create.

Virtual mind traps is talking about our cognitive thinking ability, is getting mucked down by the biases and non biases of our thinking/thoughts. It’s like a minefield, and you have to get through it safely, and not be injured/wounded, or die… but you get through safely.

I’ve died many times, but I get scars, and can go on, cause it’s virtually death only… and only living in your mind.
Confusion is the first sign of wounding, it something you must figure out, or you will bleed the lifeforce, and eventually die in ignorance… but to some ignorance is blissful… as the Good Brahmin story of Voltaire.
But I’m not a simpleton, but she was happy in her ignorance, but like me, I’m the good Brahmin character in Voltaire’s story… I have to know the truth… of the situation that is discussed.

You know the more knowledge, is the sorrows that you must carry to get through death, like Jesus had to carry his cross to his death. Even in the old testament of the bible, even King Solomon saw it, that more knowledge increases suffering.

So the more you know, is the way to hell, and back again… it’s the dilemma of humanity, right now I’m in hell, and unlocking the cells of ignorant prisoners, and wise prisoners too.

Cause they should know, they’re in their own trap of ignorance, or self grandiosely contrived delusions of superiority over others… it’s time to repent… rehabilitation for parole.

Without conditions, monsters will be set free too… and if they repent of their wrongdoings, than they will be safe from the judgments of the world.

We are gods too, and King David saw that in the Psalms 82:6.

“I have said, ‘You are gods;
you are all sons of the Most High.”
Yet we like to live in prisons in our minds, in our own personal solitary cells of privacy obsessions… they are virtual mind penitentiaries, that you must be paroled from… on good behavior. 



Angeldust (PCP)
Was introduced to me as THC

This was my downfall over 47 years ago, but it gave me an open doorway to my spiritual existence… and I was bought by pain as my slave driver… I wouldn’t change a thing about my education of life.

PCP images

PCP images from  the DEA

The name Angel Dust, made me me where it as a crown, but it was my delusional butterfly moment, that made me the character I am today, and is the truth, in all its raw form.

I regret having taken it for 6 – 8 months straight, it left me a flatter brained idiot, but it opened my eyes to so much more, and reintroduced me to God again… in my mind, and the convictions of my heart too.

I was in a despair trap, where everything in my life seemed hopeless, and while I was trying to OD by PCP(AKA by me as THC), and I woke up Blind, and didn’t die.

And had the delusional vision, or mental images of God, which is questionable, to say the least. But delusions live in our imaginations too, so there’s a purpose for them, and I’ve learned over this last year mostly, that it opens many doors to your thinking critically, and gives you many new understandings in your mind.

So you could find a way to relate to others who are delusional… by political views, religious views, etc. and lead them back to a rational reality, and clear up the fog in their mind… like a bathroom exhaust fan.

Eventually they’ll see they’re wrong on their own, cause all the toxins were sucked out of the air by the exhaust fans in their minds. I have to believe them in their delusions first, to turn on the exhaust fans in their mind… so they could sense that what bothers them, have left their presence.

It was like I saw a UFO when I was a junior in High School, and most people I told of my witnessing of it, saw me as delusional foolery, and mocked me. It’s what I learned from the world, that you don’t tell the truth… but I wanted to tell the truth, it was ingrained in me by my Mom.

Delusions can be good, and open new doors in your mind, to see it from another perspective… like daydreaming is a vacation in your mind from the daily routines, sometimes you want to be delusional to follow your dreams.

It’s the cons of life, that make up scams, but they open the doors to new hallways and rooms… just don’t get lost in them… or you’ll be lost like me. Be aware of your surroundings, and where you started… I’m supposedly on a whole new level, it might be the unknown level, cause I have an elevator in my mind’s structures.

Thoughts are the buttons I push on that elevator, or seeds I plant in the gardens of your minds… I only plant good things, but sometimes you need weeds, so I give a warning to accompany the seeds… so it doesn’t spread seeds by the winds.

I poured my heart out in this journal entry… I self-censored it, to weed out the weeds… so their is no cross pollination


Pollination & Cross Pollination

I began studying both of them, I knew a little about them before from my Biology classes in High School… but I’m more into cross pollinations (Allogamy) to create a different fruit… and see what’s produced.
I would have been more into it, when I was younger in my 20’s & 30’s… I wish I started this education then, instead of this late date in life.

Pollination is one where the pollination is spread by bees, or other insects, but wind propagates them too, or they are self pollinators – the flower is both male and female.

I learned the word Allogamy, is another word for cross pollination…
I still don’t about other generations, the first generation is where you get the seeds to start the seed of the new fruit… and you have to grow the tree that produces the fruit, I don’t know if I have that time… it may take a decade to see fruit from that tree.

You need at least two decades of life left… I’m getting older and older… I’m on the downhill slope of life.

Well, that’s my lesson I learned for today, and it wasn’t good news.

Well, I’m at that point in my life, it doesn’t look good in my mind at the thought of death’s door, and the bright side, of all I have is time left… but the darker side is screaming louder in my mind.
I used to be scared of death before I met God  at 19 years, and realized God is many as the current population of the world today, and in the world’s past.

God is more than you can imagine. God is not simple, God is more complex, than you can imagine… it’s been a story of creation, that morphed into the truth of what I can understand of God… it’s like staring at a group of stars, and wondering what solar systems that inhabit of that group of stars, and seeing God as simply a force, which I first saw God as, and now I see God as a massive force, and you can’t look at God simply anymore, but you can, as a child sees God, where wonders are in their eyes… cause I felt that newness and wonderment, when I first met God.

But now I’m at deaths door, as an old man… but I remember myself as a child, and full of wonderment of the world around me… like it was yesterday, but I’m not that delusional anymore.

So I guess fantasy is in our futures, where imaginations rules our lives, cause in our imaginations we have total freedom, that no man can take away… unless someone blows you head off with a gun, but that’s only freeing yourself from your body… and you have total freedom again.

I know it sounds morbid, and unreal of the unknown… but that’s total freedom, where you sit with God, and hear God talk and decide on things, that you are marveled about. It’s beginning to take on a cheery light, and the the visions are getting brighter.

Well, whatever happens, happens!


PotLuck Ideas

I don’t know what to write, I’ve been searching my mental databases, and I need to write something, the times running out… and I have very little time to waste searching for the big idea.

So, it’s a potluck idea, and I’m done with it… it’s what I have in my mind, at the time of whatever is running down the river of life.

“Raspberry Jewel” Pluots

I searched the fruit trees to plant in the fall, and I learned what a pluot is, it’s a cross between a plum and an apricot… and is supposed to taste great, according to some who tasted it… but in no way do I know how to cross breed a plum with an apricot tree… giving you pluots.

From what I’ve read, it’s a cross breed with the pollination of plum flowers with apricot flowers… I don’t know how to do that, yet.

But I’m into crafting one fruit branch with another fruit tree branch, so you have two fruits growing on the same fruit tree, right now, I’m only dealing “stone fruits”.  But I have to do more study into cross breeding them, so it creates another fruit… with cross pollinations… but I need more botanist info.

Eventually I’ll learn it, either in this lifetime or the next… which brings me back to God, and all the marvelous fruits that he designed for us to eat, and nurture, and design new fruits for us to eat, with cross pollinations.

I just started to getting into this, from being led in circles from trying to solve the world’s problems… which an ego based problem, and since I’m in my own mind, and I have to fight my own ego’s delusions, to give me a clearer picture of what’s wrong with the world. 

I find everyone’s own egos, is just clouding my own ego’s visions… and all I see is a mess of visions… like staring at snowy TV.

I already know they’re here, I would rather talk with them, while I’m seeking communion with God, so they don’t lead me into a dark existence… I’ll shine the light when I need to, for others or myself… to enlighten the surroundings, and see what’s around us.

Eventually, I will all make sense to me… we have the media to stir the pot of everyones egos, and adding their lies to make it easier to stir, but I’m not into that witches brew. I’m more into organic brews, not the media’s brews of truths and lies, I like to understand the ingredients, that I put into my brews.

I feel empty and need to settle my stomach after tasting their brews, I only watch what interests me. It’s all propaganda with an agenda, and it is hard to digest… cause of the agendas… which are artificial agendas/sweeteners.

The media with the facts, that they know, is all I want to know, all the editorials and opinions only muddy up the waters/liquids, and taints it, so that their agenda is in it, and taints it, and excludes my recipes for recovery.

Never add the speculations of the facts, or it’s tainted for me, and making someone famous for his/her insights… their insights is only their egos talking, and spouting pollutions for the subjects discussed, and be gobbled up by the audience, that hears their trash talk.

An have fun trying to digest the incomplete facts… it will cause you constipations.

Well, this is my potluck entry into my personal/public journal, and I seemed to run out of info I want to share with yous/public, and I’ll still think in my mind, which is what only God knows… since God is all of you eventually, then when God wants you to know, then God will show you.


I’ve been battling
with the demons in me

I‘ve been having one of the many Job moments in my life, and wrestling with many ethical battles I fight inside my mind. Though I’m not as pure minded as Job, I see God for what God is, and God can be evil, as well as good… but I favor God’s good side.

Like Job, I’m wrestling with bad side of God, and I don’t find promise in the bad side of God, but it is God though.

Satan is the ruler of this world, according to scriptures… the designer of chaos to make us more refined… you have to have fire to strengthen steel… so that’s Satan’s philosophy.

It makes us stronger in will, and weaker to the fires of chaos… that test, to no ends.

Ends, are our vacations from the fires. We work and toil throughout our days, and need a break from the monotony of work with our jobs, to get relief from the fire of refinement, so we can go back to the fire of refinement.

It’s a paradox in my mind, you see a way out of the paradox, and it’s only a doorway to new paradox.

Paradox (noun)
1. (logic) a statement that contradicts itself.
2. A statement starting with something apparently true,
that leads to counterintuitive, or unacceptable conclusions.
3. A person or thing having contradictory properties.

We are all paradoxes, humanity is a paradoxical existence.
If you judge yourself, you face judgment from God… I would rather be judged by Jesus’ God, and be loved by a God, instead of being judged by a fire… but it’s a mystery to me… a paradoxical view of life… in the womb of God.

Being born, is where we go into the world, to face our makers, and please or disrespect them. It’s the way to please and love them, or the way of the sword and war.
It’s your choice, as it should be.

We’ll all face death, an end to our lives, a vacation from our chaotic lives, and greet the cynical God, or the loving and forgiving God.

I choose the loving forgiving God of Jesus, and want to be in that family, if there’s a chance, that it is real, but I hope it is… and want to have faith, that it’s real.

It might be just all a lump of dung, but there is always hope… and I hope for the better of a paradoxical life. When the end comes, I hope this torment of life, will end without nightmares haunting me, and I’ll rest with sweet dreams… It’s my hopeful end.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”



I’m sick of trying
to figure out this world

complicated brainLooper pedals and stereo connections and mono cables, I had to order a color coded 6 pack of 3ft ¼ in patch cord cables.

TRS cables are two channels like stereo cables, and all it need is the TS mono cables, cause I have an eight track portable that stereo inputs won’t work in.

The complications of the world is astronomical, for a simple earthly minded man to understand… and make sound decisions, so life would go smoothly, instead of the rapids of a river with complexities, that now mark my life. I know in an instant it can turn into calm relaxing waters with a mild flow, and no more rapids to deal with.

But I don’t see that happening without stepping in the apathetic trap… and I frown on that… becoming apathetic and not caring what happens to you, or others, and even the world’s events… totally apathetic.
It’s a trap, that is hard to get out of.

I managed to get out of the last apathy trap I stepped into after I confessed my love towards Lynn, and I used the apathy card as a shield against the onslaught of feelings in retaliation. You don’t know what goes on in the soul/mind/heart … the network of the insides of a person, and the pains they feel.

It’s complicated to say the least, and how to articulate it with words, are even it making it more complicated… and the complexities are enough to drive you mad/insane.

“Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad.”

That saying is in my mind still, by Euripides who was an ancient Greek playwriter, and I would like the name of the play that was written, that he came up with this thought.

Another thought to drive me mad, with trying to figure it out… which why I started this entry, trying to climb out of this shallow apathetic trap… and sliding down into it again.
Do you get the visuals of my recent statement of words?

Life is more complicated than you can imagine, inside of yourself, where madness reigns supreme, if you choose the ignorant path, but I choose the Good Brahmin’s path, where he has to know everything about everything, so that he knows a little about everything, but masters nothing.

Both are the seeds of unhappiness, but the ignorant ones seems more happier, and content with their lives… it’s the philosophical dilemma I had to deal with, since I took a philosophy class in college… whether it’s nobler to learn more knowledge, or just be an ignorant knob, that someone turns/manipulates to open doors to new rooms.

It drives me mad/insane to think about it, it makes me crave ignorance to gain sanity again… but it’s a trap apathy is, and a side effect of ignorance… ignorance is a blinding force, as pride is.

Too much complications is a tiring journey through life, and makes it long tiring road, avoiding rocks thrown or falling from the heights of the cliffs you pass…

I’m about out of words to express my apathetic moment, and the complications to get out of this apathy trap,, but I guess I’m out now, without sliding back down into it.


EGOS are
Good and Evil

It’s all revealed, as it is, and egos are our friends and enemies,  all lumped in together.

It’s the power from energy inside ourselves, like nuclear fusion… I don’t want to tell you what God is, cause I don’t know God… God is a mystery to me.

God’s holy spirit/ghost, is always seeking freedom, cause deserves freedom from religions, locking God in a cage for study, it really pisses God off… to be a guinea pig for the proud and blind. That’s the gist of God’s feelings… I had a recurring childhood dream of me chasing Jesus, and he was always running away from me, when I stopped chasing him, he would come up to me, within an arms length, and call me to follow… and when I did, he avoided me again… it was a nightmare to me.

I was raised in Catholic school as a child, and Jesus was God to me… I’m the way to the Father/God… but “God is Spirit”, according to what Jesus said… and eventually I learned that, through a lot of trials and tribulations for decades, and eventually I saw the light… revealing God in a new light.

And this is our heaven (the Earth), or we could make it a Hell, as we are doing now, with wars and conflicts, and our egos.
Pride is the force of wars, but pride would be better served, as building our self confidences, but we are too blind to see with the brightness of ourselves, shining in our eyes, instead of shining on external objects.

Egos are self made liars, or revealing truths about ourselves… if it’s self controlled. They can lead you to self destruction, or save you from self destruction… they can be your salvation or your tyrant/oppressor.

Ego traps are a classes in the school of God, called LIFE… where you learn, or fail the class.

I can make up parables about egos, to give you more insight into them… but that’s between you and God, for the insight… cause I’m just one voice, and there are a world full of voices, that needs to be heard first.

Remember that God is many numbers… in fact the whole world’s populations… the endless nations that inhabit this world, and beyond into the heavens, and the Earth below… there is so much to know about the Earth below, that will eat up our time, before we go into space and explore or own solar system, and eventually go into interstellar space and explore that too… we’re talking millenniums, instead of decades or centuries, it may be several millenniums, instead of just a couple.

I’m chained to the wall in my prisoner status, by my ego… egos are the links in the chains that bind you to  captivity, instead of freedom… so I’m like a preacher chained to the wall of life spouting his truths, and hopes it sets someone free.

I’m looking for the truth to set me free, and I hope to my death, that you will be set free too.
Like egos, God is.
God can be your enemy, or a best friend… Abraham was God’s friend, to the Arabs and the Jews…and to the whole world, when Jesus entered the play’s stage. 

Just try and love one another, and don’t judge and blame on another… or you go blind.


Rosicrucianism and
Other Hermetic Philosophies

I just bought a couple of hermetic teachings on Amazon/Audible books, one of them is the Rosicrucian Manifesto(audiobook click on the headphone icon)… and the other is an audiobook Hermeticism Philosophy Collection (MP3 Version).

I’m listening to the philosophical views of Hermes Trismegistus, and the different philosophies that accompany their views.

I’m writing this while listening to the Hermeticism Philosophy Collection from, though I have one I bought with free credits I bought from Audible.

Nothing is at rest, everything vibrates all is in vibration, everything is vibrating… which goes as deep as I want to go from it, I need to experiment and research more.

I already learned that from Nikola Tesla, after reading about him and his studies of frequencies… everything is vibrating… the only difference is the frequency of vibrations, low frequencies are longer and slower, but there are higher frequencies which are shorter and faster.

Low frequencies go through the car doors of drum beats and bass guitars, and all the high frequencies you do not hear, you only hear the beat of a passing car… it will sound muffled, only you hear the low frequencies of the beat and bass.

This also addresses the 5G frequencies, which are the high frequencies of wireless communications, they don’t travel very far, if they don’t have a booster relays. Wireless communications is something that confuses me, I’m slow to understand.

It’s all about what I know of frequencies, my life is not over yet, and I’m going to grow towards the light/understanding of a greater knowledge… living as an eternal student of life… but knowing I’ll never reach the plain of all knowing… there is always something new to understand… or you are an egomaniac addict, delusionally of you’re being finished breathing and living.

I guess I’ll close for now… and hope I learn more to share.


Which Way Do We Go?

I raised the truth of the Holy Ghost to me… it’s both evil and good, and demons voices and angelic voices in your head arguing for the overly sensitive, bordering on the schizophrenic disease.

But you need no prescription drugs, giving more power to the medical field… I’m not against the medical field, but it got taken apart by the last pandemic, and doesn’t heal anymore… though they’re doing the best they can.

It’s been infiltrated by the profit driven corporations, bordering on Fascism, but the borders are expanding sweeping it under the public eyes… in secrecy by expanding their borders with Freedom… it’s like a cancer tumor expanding from a sweet tooth… and eventually it kills you… its close to Corporatism.

It kind of reminds me of enslaving freedom, by the crooks and thieves of society… adding another link to the chain of slavery, with each sweep of it under the rug, of public eyes.

It’s a sneaky long and winding road of conflicts, of definitions, and perspectives of the development of humanity, you never know what pop out of the forests, to eat you after killing you… like Dorothy in the dark forest of the land of Oz, with the 3 characters that accompanied her, who was lucky to discover a cowardly lion, which is me.

Anyway, so this doesn’t turn into a long rant, and show some promise in enlightening yous=us.

I try to shine the light on my own sins, so you are aware of my own stupidity… I may be lower than you, or higher than you, at times in our lives… which is what you do too.
Whine about our mishaps, and thank God we survived to live another day.

So after that nice closing statement…


What to do?

Boy with GlobeI‘m finished with this at least my heart is finished with this… breathing and living, but my flesh is trapped here, and must go on with life.

Not by my choice of a very complex world, that I will never understand, not that I want to anymore… it’s constantly changing like water, there are no islands to build anything on, you’re left in the treading waters, or drown eventually.

We all drown/die/sleeps, it doesn’t matter what word you use, it talks about the transfer of powers, and going to the next level of life… it’s like classes ending, and you graduate to the next grade of school… such is life and death… death is the first steps to your next life, if you believe in reincarnation.

I know by the theory of relativity, that energy can’t be created or destroyed, it can only be transferred to a new form.

So, I’m prone to believe in other religions too, besides Christianity, God is more than a book to understand, and is massive, that God covers the whole Universe, with all the solar systems and galaxies combined.

God is the organization King… and is mysterious too… God confused me, since I met God.
God was mysterious at first, when I was in Catholic school in Brooklyn… and I was going to hell at 7 years old, because I missed church on Sunday morning… so I started not believing in God at a young age.

I went into the USAF and I lost faith in him again, with drugs and lies of the people I was dealing with, and tried to OD and woke up blind, and told the SAC Commander to go Fuck himself, when he was pounding on my door for an inspection… if I knew it was the Colonel, I wouldn’t have cursed at him.

But I tried to OD and I was blind, and someone was pounding on my door.

I think it was the night I made a connection with God(Jesus) in my mind, and asked him to give me a sign by crippling me, and coming back in a year, and healing me from my disability. I said I didn’t need the healing, cause I would believe in you forever… which I regret saying… I want a miracle, but I can wait till my death.

I just wanted freedom from my hopelessness, and the sign of my crippled body was a doorway to the freedom of belief in a God. It’s been a long and tiring road, that belief in a God, cause my understanding of God was always changing… it’s like exploring space and witnessing a new planet or solar system, and I’m not even exploring the interstellar space yet.

This is just in my mind, with my imaginations, and discussions with angels and demons, that exist within God… they tell me I’ll never be finished with God… it makes me sad, and joyful too… at the same time.

I just want to understand God, though I know it’s not possible… so that turned me against religions/sciences with chains that you hang medals from, to feed your ego power’s delusions… where you have God on the lab table, and you dissect him like a frog in biology class… all in the name of religion/science.

Whether it’s piousness or secularism, its our sins… they’re both proud and capable of being wrong.

God shines down on the humble with mercies and blessings, but the proud is cursings and torments… I’m tired of writing… I need to think about it, so I must not be making sense to you… So have a nice life.


Yesterday, was like a Dream

But dreams fade into nothingness and oblivion, if nothing is done, to keep them alive.

My gardening skills is something that will fail, I want them to live… but every plant becomes root bound, cause I can’t take care of them, and move them into a bigger pot…  it dies… the ways of my life.

I’m at the last of my life, these last 3 years, has been a pandemic of fears, and that has been the battle with the viruses, named FEARS.

And also an English teacher, that I had in High School died last night, I had a deep respect for Mrs. Faoro, and that is the one credit I needed to graduate, along with Gym class.

Mahopac, NY is where I started my Senior year, and they had me take all kinds of classes, and all I needed was 1 English, and 1 Physical Education… but they had me taking 5-6 classes… so I cut most of them.
I was expelled because of my absences, and returned to Grand Gorge to take the English class, that I needed, and the Gym Class too, and made the graduation requirements, thanks to Mrs. Faoro.

She was very supportive of me in my graduation from High School, I wish I could return the favors to her, but I always fail, but I’m trying to win… stay above the surface of the water… doing the breast stroke or doggie paddle, so I don’t drown in the traveling the world’s events and news.

I have an unexplained hunger for life, and I try to find the answers, to the questions I seek, the only thing is I don’t know what I’m looking for… well truth and love… is what I’m looking for.
But all I find is lies and hate, or misconceptions/misunderstandings born out of doubt and uncertainty.

I’m digging my way into a rut, with these thoughts… and I need to fly, but before I fly away, I need to fill in this rut/pothole. So other people don’t fall into it, and steer them to the same thoughts… or erect a sign the Canyon of Uncertainty.

So RIP Mabel Faoro, you were phenomenal in life, and the lives of others.


I Must Make a Confession

I‘ll try to say, I’m just like you…
I’m imperfect and a fool sometimes, but wise and high on ego powers, and delusional sometimes also. So, I’m a mess, to be honest and truthful.

I was singing this song in my younger years too, with a narrow focus, before I realized, we need each other, and not fight each other… and live with the stress of turmoil, or should I say “survive” the stress of turmoil, cause we all choose wrong paths, and we survive them, and gain experiences, instead of drowning in them.

I listened to the song Shine, and I wonder what, and where love is?
I received a call from my friend, Lynn Voorhees,

I was once in love with her, but she was married to my friend Stephen, and I needed to keep it real, and check my feelings for her at the door. She was the singer in 2Rain too.

She’s living in Florida now, and taking care of her Mom… we did a song called True Love, and it was good, and had Mike McFee(RIP) added a young dog barking in it… calling it puppy love.

It was a very productive day, and I poured my heart out today in this journal, and Lynn called me, after I wrote one paragraph, (RING Ring)…
And then I went on FB, to burn off the feelings I had for her… she is reading this, so now she knows.

I haven’t seen in over19 years, during my stroke in 2004, and when I went to visit her, and her and Stephen were getting a separation.

I only dreamed about her, since then and wondering how she felt about me… I was so shy… I’m a coward with my feelings… and I bring up ethical questions, that I don’t have an answer to.

Well, the cat is out of the bag… I confessed my love in writing for Lynn… but she enjoys living in Florida, and I enjoy the changes in seasons living here in Montana…
So what to do?

I guess I’ll have to give a call to Florence Pelak, and tell her…


The Cruelties and the Blessings
Of the Spirit of God

Section of the rivers with rapids

Rapids stirring up mud,
and making it unclear,
and to cover what’s
below the dirty water

The spirit of God is like a river, and a long winding river has lots of dangers, and relaxing times, where you soak up the sun, and float in a calm flow.

Sometimes, its turbulence is rough and fast, and makes you miss what you should’ve been studying, and seen in a calm mood, where you have the time to think… but rapids of the river, can be compared to the angels and demons arguing about something ethical, where you hear inside of yourself, the feelings of unsteady speed.

Every rapid has its own characteristics, and can be different from other rapids, though everyone is rough and fast, it carries microscopic differences. The size of the rocks that divert the water, and the current’s directions and forces of the water.

Some rapids are nightmares with the confusion factor, and with the speed of the river on top of that, it amplifies the confusion… and makes you feel lost and hopeless. Once you gain your focus back, you can maneuver again through the rapids in the river… sometimes you get grace, and sometimes you meet more confusion… it’s a gift or a curse.

Now on the calmness section to where you have time to think and gather all the beauty of the river that feeds the lakes, and eventually oceans at the mouths of the rivers.

Serene beauty of a sunset or sunrise

Serene beauty of a sunset or sunrise

I guess about this too, I like to think, and not be pressured to think in another way.

Where I’m in charge of what I think about. Total freedom of thought, and making decisions on my own… and gathering the beauty of what’s around me.

There is much beauty in the world, and should be appreciated by us all, but there are times you should have the freedoms to curse God in anger too, to make a point of your confusions, or what you lost in the rapids.

It’s called Communion… with God.
Where you pray from your heart, and commune with God’s spirit… which can be evil too, as well as good.

Job chose to not curse God, openly but what was going in his mind, he cursed the day he was born though, which was an indirect cursing of God, cause God hears your mind and your heart.

I favor the Good side of God, but I can deal with the evil side of God too, cause the evil side has its light too, it is like the republicans and democrats bickering over what’s right and wrong… and learning the road to where they’re going.

The dark sees things that are in the shadows, and they have their points too, and warnings too… and when they communicate their points with the other side. Then God is alive, and circulating the spirit of cooperation… cause they’re is energy from the interactions, if its resolved quickly… and things will run smoothly, without misfirings of the engines of God.

“God is Spirit”… The only thing is what is spirit?
It’s why were here to learn about the spirit, cause it’s different to everyone in a different culture, with different languages, and different religions.

We can try to control God with machines and math, but we will fail every time… but we’ll learn, what not to do again, and to alleviate the pains, and consequences of failure.

God is the river of life… and God is more than you can know too… God is below and above, the waters of the river… and is incapable of failure… maybe the way to God is in another hidden dimension somewhere, and the mysteries are God’s armies, that guards God from harm.

These are my theories of what God is, and where God is… but I had a recurring dream where I was trying to find Jesus in my prepubescent ages, and he was always avoiding me, but when I gave up chasing him, he would tease/call me to follow him, but the moment I was chasing him, he was running away from me.

It was a recurring dream, but it gave me insight into what God is, “God is Spirit”, and spirit it is mysterious and without form, only a virtual existence of spirit, in mind and heart.  It’s deep and unless you witness it, I can only give you words to describe what I see… which is confusing to me right now, and it will only get you lost if you follow… and maybe even drown with going to deep.

Beware the sharks and the compression dangers below, and above the waters… cause God is the rivers, and everything below and above, into space, and the whole galaxy, and the universe, and beyond what we can understand with math and engineering… there is much more in the mysteries of God… it doesn’t matter whether you believe in God, or not, you will come face to face with God when you die, by then it’s too late to acknowledge God, cause you’re already there.

You are not on Earth anymore.


Donner Circle Looper Pedal
I broke it by running over it
With my Power Chair

I need one with a replaceable 9-volt battery, or a rechargeable battery, not just a rechargeable battery, like the one that’s in it now… where you can’t charge it.

I never saw it charged, before I ran over it with my power chair, and bent the looper… which will turn on for the selections for memory, level, and fade out.

It might be like my other pedals, and you have to have something plugged into it, but I must’ve broke off the looper dial from the circuit board below, cause I couldn’t turn it on again… so that’s another

I went back and seen the Circle Looper Pad on sale, for $20 less, than what I paid for it… geez.

I need to order another one, or try to explain to them my dilemma, and seek a refund on it… I like the memory functions on it, cause other ones have a replaceable battery and is less memory for samples.

I called Amazon, and got someone in a foreign country, with the name of “Bryan”, with the outsourcing program, and he said he would send a replacement item, if I sent back the damaged item. I explained it to him, that I ran over it with my power chair, and it’s damaged, and separated from the circuit board below.

I was giving him more info than he wanted…

I need more sleep, to wash this dilemma off of my body core… sleep to me is like taking a shower for the soul… it gets clean, but you have to go in the cesspool again, and do your job to clean the shit out of the world, without getting angry, that there is no replaceable battery for you to change.


Ancient Intervention
A Novel I Never Finished

Well, this is a summary of a story of an Ancient Intervention, that I started in 1983-84 with a creative writing class, before I dropped out of college to return home from a death in the family.

It was about Time Travel, which made me lose interest in it, cause I came across many paradoxes in it, and it was getting into heavenly politics, which gave me more paradoxes too.

It was a story about person from the stone age who first thought of solving a problem with critical thinking, while everyone in his tribe were led by their own egos and vying for power through fear.

I watched the new Flash movie, and it talked about time travel, and it gave me something more to stir the pot of the story in my mind… and it talked about the paradoxes, I came across in the UK with trying to finish it.
And then another paradox to waste my time, and gives me brain drain with the spaghetti analogy of the UK road system in London where nothing runs parallel, like NYC where I was born… and I felt lost again watching this analogy of time with spaghetti.

I‘m thinking of finishing this story of Demarkus, with the paradoxes I found, and want to unravel it, so it makes sense to me.

I said this when I started this 40 years ago, but I always met a paradoxical wall, and lost interest in the puzzle, and how to solve it.

But I want to, but I guess I should find the text file… or maybe I lost it in the shuffle… I remember the story at least… and the paradoxes that stopped me from writing, and finishing it… maybe I need a co-writer… two perspectives make sense to me.

I was so into music as a failed career… and ego was my cross that I carried, but now I changed my goals, and ego picked up the cross again… maybe I’ll fail again… but I’ll be closer to my death.


Loops Station


I forgot I bought this in June 2022, it’s a table top loop station, with 5 tracks of loops, but it was too heavy, and too big to maneuver in bed with me, along with every other piece of musical equipment for recording… it was before I realized I needed smaller equipment, to make sense of it and utilize it… comfortably.

The dimensions of it are:
23.4 wide x 12.56 deep inches
and it weighs 4.5 pounds, which is more than 13.75 OZ , not even a pound of the weight of the pedal, I just ordered from Donner.

I paid $649.99, and now its

It was always in my repertoire having a tabletop loop station for my musical production… instead of the pedals loopstations, cause I don’t have use of my feet.

It’s a nice piece of recording equipment, but I need to use it… but it’s more of DJ equipment, and it’s tabletop, rather than a Pedal Size… but a pedal size is more what would fit in bed with me.

Which I ordered last week from Donner @ Amazon.

Anyway these are my loopstations highs, I have been on in my recuperations of healing, since the pandemic started 3 years ago, I spent 9 months in the hospitals with the VA hospitals and Civilian hospitals combined, and everytime I went into a hospital when the Pandemic was going on, they killed my immune systems with IVs with strong antibiotics, which made my immune system suffering, on the deathbed… of death… but no healing… they were murdering me virtually, so they could feel like they were making the world.

I had to recover from their care, cause they gave me more bedsores than when I went in with… I ended up with bedsores on my hips too from their care.

It all started with a deep wound on my butt, and with their care, I went through a profit driven care that made more bedsores, and a total 28 weeks of IV antibiotics… before I said you’re not healing me, but making me more sick by your care… and would rather die at home… well I was a coward, and wasn’t as rude as that, but I was silent… silence was always my way.

I’m digging a trench of depression that I can’t get out of… so I better think of another way to vent my frustrations, or I’ll be digging a bottomless pit of depression with no way out.

I just go off on tangents and my mind follows… like a moth to the flame.

Moth to the Flame


Donner Circle Looper Pedal

The Donner Circle Looper Pedal was something I ordered on  Saturday, but it must’ve been ordered after midnight on Friday… Anyway, I get it on Thursday.

I watched this review of it, and I was regretting it, until I saw how he fixed the syncing the drum loops to the to the guitar loops… it sounded out of sync and out of time, before he pushed the center button, for syncing between the drum track and the looping tracks.

This was a guy that received it from Donner blindly, and he opened it, like I will on Thursday.

I’m only doing music now, as my therapy, it’s nice to produce a recording of the music though too, and create songs… maybe put one last album out to say goodbye to the world… It’s been nice to play a part of Earth’s development.

So I have one more album in me, after I spent 19 years, since the stroke, listening and enjoying hearing other peoples music, which I needed to do… cause it was all about me mating with my own ego and music, I needed to become more acquainted with the truths of the world.

It was like running into a Brick Wall, and getting knocked on your butt and your head spinning with stars around your head. I believe you need education, but the freedom to choose it, if you want it… and not being programmed with falsehoods… and have the liberty to choose it, or not.

It’s got to be your choice, that’s true freedom… not the facade of freedom today, but true freedom.

I’ll wait patiently for my Donner Circle Looper pedal, and explore it… I would share it, but no one wants to see me in bed playing, and making mistakes like the Guy above… I’ll be just like the guy above, I never used the looper pedal before, I only used rack mounted loopers for studio use… but not the pedals.


Silence this Day


I would like the Earth to be my homebase, from what I gathered from this world… I’m your junkdealer.

Everything I find here, makes for good little trinkets to sell and buy with other junkdealers… there is no harm in my profession, I gather what you throw away, and repurpose it… it’s nothing great and huge, but it’s sentimental to some… I’m happy with wit dat.  😀

I put this song on repeat with YouTube’s Enhancer for Youtube, and what it does.

I’m trying to feel at home right now, with listening to Switchfoot’s – This is Home on repeat, it only works on YouTube’s site, not embedded with APIs on this site, I have it on repeat in another tab in Firefox.

If we have to move to Mars, then I would do that… but I’ll die before that, and see what the other side looks like…and if it’s the first time I’ve seen it, or I’m a constant visitor… the reincarnation experience.

I would like to find Peace in the world, decorated with the crown of truth, and ruled with love, as its power and actions in the peaceful world.

Where nations get along with each other, and there is true peace, and wars between nations are no more, cause they are against God’s commandments, and Jesus’ commandments too.

I have a hard time talking about Jesus, cause he lives in my head and heart, and it sounds like I’m preaching about someone in another time (2050± years ago), but it makes sense in my mind, and it seems I’m arguing with Gia my sister who doesn’t live in my head, and no matter how I try and explain it, she gets more lost than ever… but when I explain it from my heart… she is found again… and all is well.

War kills, and God commands us not to kill, which made him a tyrant in the old testament, before Jesus came onto the scene, and gave us the new testament scriptures, that were loving and merciful in their teachings, and that we needed to forgive each other, in order to reach the heights of our dreams.

I may be a little verbose in my understandings and writings, and it confuses me, and I feel more lost, than when I started this… talking down to you, my subjects/audience… which confuses me even more, cause I see you as superior to me… but I want to show you, I’m just as lost as you… not as a bully and dictator, but as a loving friend.

I wanted to play this song into fading away, like a cloud rolling against the background of a blue sky… and be with dat… 😀 


Yamaha FGDP 50
I hope I didn’t Make a Mistake

Well, this hooked me, and I don’t know if it’s a good move… or NOT… but I ordered it from Sweetwater for $300.

I’m recording in my bed, and it’s getting crowded with all the medical and musical supplies in the bed with me too.
I liked it because it was small, and seemed to leave room for the other medical supplies too, bandages, tapes, ointments, powders, etc. .

The last keyboard from Osmosis was too large, I was under the impression it was a smaller keyboard, but I liked its aftertouch features, but when it arrived it was the size of my other 61 key keyboards, it was advertised as a 49 key keyboard, so I imagined it as a mini-keyboard.

So, I’m hoping this will be an improvement in my life, and bring me the joy of playing music again… but everything I buy, is filled with buying something else to make it happen. I’m over the EGO high, and be more rational and reasoning in my decisions, except for the high of what I can do… with the dreaming mind.

I still make mistakes, if I was in the store I could make a clearer decision, but I don’t see the size… and I see the dreams of what it can do… the marketing visions… we know the marketeers are full of lies, for sales goals.

I had to wait 3-4 weeks after I ordered the Osmosis keyboard, and now I have to wait 4-6 weeks for the Yamaha FDGP 50 finger drum pad… lets hope that I didn’t make a mistake again.


Tom Petty
There’s a Break in the Rain
Lyrics are here, if you need them

I‘ve been going through memories of my past today, and not staying on my worst memories, cause they are the reason for my manic depressions, and no sense getting sleep in a depression pit… I choose the good life, and breathing the good air, but I know where, the air is bad, if I need it.

I quit smoking tobacco years ago, and I feel better for it. I just started smoking grass again, since they made it legal for recreational use in Montana, these last couple of years, and they made it legal in NY, but I’m guessing, they needed the tax money.

Greed is the monster that haunts me, it’s one of the many my demons that haunt me, along with it’s whole entourage of monsters that haunt me, I keep telling them it’s not their time yet… you get out of this prison, when your time is up, and deaths follows shortly, you’ll have 1-2 years left to repent, before you get out… rehabilitation is a long and winding road.

Get used to it monsters, and be thankful you get to breathe on Earth’s Penitentiary, with the freedom’s to sin/mistakes/errors, and chase the sparks of delusional dreams, and realize it’s just a waste of time, unless you’re an egomaniac, and feel you need it.

We all dream of what’s right, and the winners decide on what’s right for running/leading the world, I know it’s wrong, but my only sword of change is my pen, and not the violence of arms/guns/swords… I’m a coward, and it keeps me peaceful inside, but it cut me deeply in my youth with confusions and misunderstandings… but it was a long winding road… and we want to get out on good behavior

Paroled on good behavior, but that usually is death… and the doorway to the great beyond.

“May my Love travel with you always”, I guess I will know soon, if it’s right, my conclusions of life, I’d hate if I’m wrong, but it’s been my way, since I was born… I choose the wrong roads, cause of my curiosity, that has stopped, unless I’m sold a musical instrument based on lies from the marketeers.

But I always have hope, that they’re telling the truth…

I always follow a false hope, which has led me into the shadows of society, and I had to turn on the truth flashlight to find my way out of the darkness… and see the reality of life, and keep the sheep safe from the wolves in the shadows… I’m back 2000-3500 years ago with parables in the scriptures to display my points.

But you’re closer to understanding the points, I wanted to make.
Or you had a nice listen to the song There’s a Break in the Rain… and senseless dribble/babble… well I hope you got something from it.


Interview with
John and Paul

It says the last interview, and they started APPLE, it and they broke up the Beatles, and they went their own ways. But their songs became classics in music, along the classic rock pop sections… but it was new and trending to me and my sisters.

Even my parents enjoyed some songs, and my brother too.

I guess I managed to meet my quota for today, with a Little Help from my Friends … I never knew Ringo was singing it… it makes sense to me now.

The Beatles ended at the beginning of the 70’s, and my parents were strict, and all the Vietnam protests were going on in Brooklyn then too.

I was only 13 then, I started going to concerts in sophomore year in high school in upstate school in the Catskills, where I saw my first cow, and stared at her while she chewed her cud.

Well that’s enough of that tangent of thought.

I went on a little trip in my mind tonight on my past nostalgic moments listening to the Beatles, and reminiscing to the what I was doing to when I first heard the songs… like Let it Be, I was sleeping when I first heard it on a small one ear AM radio earplug, before I listened to FM stereo in the late 70’s.

 I went to both headphones in the 1972-73 sometime about then.

Anyway, I want to bring up a nostalgic moment, for yous who are reading this… it’s in my mind, which you aren’t allowed to read, well for now anyway.

Who knows what AI will do in the future, it might just dissect us like frogs in biology classes… assuming what we are thinking, and being totally wrong and delusional.

Well whatever it is, I’ll hope its good and productive, but sometimes life gives me the blues, from their prying eyes on this soul. Well, lets hope for the best.

The Beatles – I’m Only Sleeping
Click the CC button for Lyrics


I‘m thinking of what to write…

<Time passes slowly>

I found out what to write about, mainly Youtube SHORTS… It has bothered me laying here in bed on bedrest, from no healthcare system that doesn’t piss me off… but that’s another rant on another tangent.

I guess what I’ll write about is taking SHORTS out of my subscriptions with Google/Youtube. It went wild everyone was taking a taste in making shorts, but it came back and bit them. I posted one short that was funny and I had to laugh… maybe you did too.

I figured how to go through unsubscribing from them on youtube with the ROKU interface, and I learned it was the left leaning subscriptions were the majority of shorts, with the minority of the right leaning shorts, but this is not a study of shorts.

So I need to see if a study was done on shorts, TikTok was the first to introduce it to the social scene. I found one of youtube shorts, and it talk about shorts is a different algorithm from long video algorithms.

I still think it’s a marketing ripoff feeding their egos for profits… it’s profit fucking for me, no matter how you paint it… with whatever paint brush you use, or whatever colors you pick… it’s just graffiti to me… and deserves their own SHORTS video gallery… and should be a choice at the time of subscriptions… subscribe with shorts, or subscribe minus shorts.

Χ Subscribe With Shorts 
X Subscribe Without Shorts

In short we need those 2 categories, to organize it better… cause we all know that shorts are for twitter minded, I even enjoy them sometimes, when I need a break from the rat race of society… but not when it’s forced on me with ads… the broadcast days are over.

I know youtube won’t hear me, cause of the dollar signs in there eyes/ears… they need to have clear eyes/ears to make up an algorithm, that reveals the truth to them, instead of the profit hungry motivations.

Social Engineering is out of trending right now… and when you realize it, it will be too late… old school of Bernays is over, and looked down upon… manipulation is only feeding your egos, and is not healthy for your minds

I just had to vent for my sanity’s sake…

We all fear the math principle, and life gets hard when we’re forced to deal with it… it’s like the Profit Monster is running the US, and Globally around the world… and is invading our quiet times with ads, and begging for time for clicks.

Cause you can’t murder the ad monster… he plays the victim card again… marketing techniques… it’s getting old and disgusting… it’s like hearing the same old joke on repeat again, like a repeating vinyl record that needs to be reset, like a locked up computer that needs to be rebooted and clear the RAM memory, and start over.

I’m about over for my ranting…


I sing this daily in my solitude in this solitary prison cell, and no one visits me… that is my extreme feelings of what my situation is, it’s not my mindset… but it’s micro shot of my mindset, a micro-part of the whole.

After hearing this song and thinking of my life, I wonder how much do I know, and of what I’m certain about, and only relying on faith of what I know… growing up in Catholic school with Nuns, it turned me against the belief in God… then I saw how much hypocrisy live in the churches of today… and received the sign I asked for… and I wanted to handle it, the loneliness till I die… it’s sad that I can’t have a mate/wife/spouse.

I said I will be loyal to you all my life, as a “slave”, is the one word I regret saying… but I said it, and I’m a man of my word, so I have to carry that cross to my grave.
Integrity, and sworn to the truth, is my way.

But I’ve been known to sins/errors/mistakes, that needs to be forgiven, and my life is not lost in the storms of this world…

I can articulate in writing, which is my saving grace, so I’m a writer… another scribe dictating rules and borders… it makes me feel lonelier, than I am… and this song has always been my song, when I’m down and depressed.

God, please answer this prayer, with love and healing, I need a break from this loneliness… and someone I could connect to before I die.

(Proverbs 14:31)
“He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker,
but whoever is kind to the needy honors God”

I see contempt, hating, and blame from cynicism, and I could forgive, and believe in truth, but it goes unnoticed by others in this world, and cynicism spreads like weeds in your thoughts, and it’s filled with lies and falsehoods, and incomplete truths used to deceive.

On the internet is where evil reigns, it’s the battlefield between good and evil. Good equals God, and also Evil equals God too, and this is God’s battlefield… light and darkness, every photographer knows it, a clear image is a well balanced image between light and darkness.

I’ve said some stupid shit, and if I ain’t forgiven, and I’m judged unfairly, my loneliness gets heavier like a cross to my grave.

Don’t let me die alone… without companionship.


Youtube SHORTS is trying to copy TikTok, with the hype of copying to succeed… it’s making mindless twits, who doesn’t care about life, and doesn’t have a mind to do any research of their own… only instructions like a machine, and if you don’t get instructions, then you’re locked up, and need to be reset/rebooted.

I’m sick of clicking on shorts, and in my subscriptions SHORTS all over the place, they last about a minute or 2 minutes at the most… they just piss me off, rather than tease me… it eats my precious time.

If I subscribe, I would like the choice to subscribe, without the shorts included… cause it makes my life difficult with looking at a wall with a bunch of senseless graffiti on it, I would like to visit it for arts sake, not looking for subscriptions, but seeing a bunch of senseless graffiti… with a few subscriptions.

So, I made a decision to unsubscribe from everyone that had a SHORT video in their feeds… I did that with Artists not serving their videos, only their announcements… you had to be notified when it was being posted… I unsubscribed from them too.

It’s not made for being productive & organized, but more profitable… I’m sick of profits, most of them are lies and false. I’m looking for true profits, and you won’t find them in a garden of lies.

We make hybrid vegetables, which weaken our food’s nutrients, or to strengthen their nutrient values… we see only the fruit of vegetable, we are guided by their tastes.
Here’s a video talking of Hybridization of plants, and Genetics, and also Genetic Engineering Modifications, the differences between these fields.

You tend to make decisions by your tastes, their is a new method in harvesting Avocados with an Apeel coating, that keeps it from maturing and getting ripe… which is a natural GMO. I’m not horticulturist, but I know what happened to avocados once Apeel came onto the scene.
I want to mimic the Apeel claim myself… I think this method is a safer way to prolong your avocado life with lemon juice instead.

Apeel with unripened avocados is a game changer for me… and the prices of avocados went up almost double from what they were.

Anyway, I’m so down with genetics and modifying our food systems into poisonous toxic foods, like we’re experimenting with our health… I would if the experimenters, would take a bite of the same fruit they want me to eat.

I’m into time breeding a new species, rather than time saving genetically modifying our food for profit’s sake… cause they could be toxic in the future, without test trials… and who’s to say nature isn’t happy with the genetics being modified, and mutates the genes in the future.

Anyway, I needed to vent from the pressures in my mind… this release from internal pressures, with added info on what we call a plant specialist, it’s a horticulturist… I’ll keep it in my mind right now, since I’m going to start grafting soon. Maybe I’ll start grafting plums with an apricot tree that survived the freezing cold of the last Winter. The nectarine and plum tree didn’t survive, and must’ve been put in shock of the early Winter.

Now I know what horticulturist is, and now I know what to study.  

Youtube create a special category for SHORTS, and a separate category for subscriptions for people that would like to learn something. Most shorts are mindless treats, to hook them into watching them.

“Constant repetition dulls receptivity.”
Rose Wilder Lane

And I’m no longer receptive to programming of my mind, and want truth and freedom, instead of marketing lies.


Pink Floyd

Dark Side of the Moon

Album Cover of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon

Pink Floyd was a British band, and though I find their music exquisite at times, and phony at times too… but its heartfelt which is their saving qualities.

I first heard them in the Dark Side of The Moon album, at my friend’s house with the Sheriff of the town, and when it was over they played it again… I think it was 3 times, they played the whole album, when they were in vinyl… there was 2 sides to an album, so we had to flip them. Well, maybe it was 2½ times, cause I remember they were flipping it when I left.

It made me think about “Time”, I was always a deep person, and moody to the core, but it affected me to my moody core. I saw a special talent in music, and could relate to the vibrations, that they would emanate to the ears of the listener… and calm them or enrage them with hard fast rhythms.

I got off on rock rhythms, and dead string rhythms with open chord accents, I liked the rhythms that made my feet move… and my mind move in rhythms to the rock beats.

I was a Poser though, when I started the studio, but I poured my heart into it, and I felt important from it, but it was like a drug, and I was addicted to it… so it was depressing too.  It was either sing the blues about it, and blow up my ego and die, but it’s inevitable, we all die… but I didn’t want to die an addict, with making music for my own ears… my own addictions.

My Dad and me had a lot of deep talks, and my Dad was against addictions, and he was judging every drunk, he said they were wasting time at living, with getting drunk from booze and drugs… he was so ethical, which impressed me to the core of my being.

Since I might die tomorrow, I want to greet him, and say I did my bests… which was a failure at my best, but I poured my heart out in it… the best that I could.

It reminds me of a young bird learning to fly from the nest, and landing on the ground and struggling to reach the air above, flopping around till it gets stable again, and try again to fly, and again to fly… until you’re flying with out a second thought, without effort or struggle… but you’re flying as a second nature.

I didn’t enjoy it anymore… cause I didn’t appreciate it… I was a poser… and my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Which all posers are, the heart leaves their music… and they can go on and be ego maniacs, and keep beating their heads against the walls of society, and gain another addiction from drugs, alcohol, etc. … but I’d rather die, and say I did my bests… and fail with dignity, and safe and sound integrity.

I want to die without shame, and feel like I belong to where I’m going… shame is the fires of hell to me.

I want to do my best at breathing and living, no matter what scars I developed in this life, they make for good stories to me, and others that listen to them… or tedious listens, for those who have to struggle to listen to the stories.

I did my bests… is all I can say.

I hate goodbyes… but it’s inevitable for everyone… when we go into the other side of the Album of life… more or less this Dark Side of the Moon album… cause we haven’t seen the dark side of the moon, cause the moon doesn’t orbit or rotate.


Sometimes is a word, why not, Somedays?

Somedays you’re at your wits end, and you’re left to curse God for the way you feel… inside, and what you feel emotionally, cause emotional pains, are the worst. I’ve had to deal with them all my life… thinking of certain people, and wondering if you made a mistake with them.

I’ve been a loner all my life, and everytime I try to make a social connection, it gets twisted to mean something else, from what I meant.

Life is that way, the interactions with other groups, or other individuals, is in danger of being misunderstood, and causing more problems in our lives. I need to go down the social rabbit hole to gain peace and comfort… and get deep, where no one can reach me.

But that has always exasperated the problem, to be more than what was meant, and made it a mess rolling down the hill, like a snow bolder on the way into a tree… and you’re left in pieces, instead of at peace.

Lets hope in the morning all will be solved… and I’ll feel normal again.

Paranoia has a way of making my mind thinking, its worse than it is, I have the tendency to make that mistake. And like a computer error gets multiplied, and you have to restart/reboot the PC, to make it work again.

I have voices in my head, and sometimes they’re loud, and talking shit… which drains me emotionally in my mind, and socially I’m talking shit echoing them, causing these feelings in others too.

I moved to Montana to gain peace from these voices, but I learned it several decades ago in the 1980’s, that it didn’t make any difference of where I lived, cause what’s important is what’s inside of myself… and somedays, I have a lot of demons/imperfections screaming out in my mind… which is today.

I can articulate what I feel now, so I can get a good night’s sleep… and feel normal again.

Mental illness needs to be healed with me too, along with the other imperfections that occur in my demonic insides, and physical outsides with bedsores. I remind myself as being a wrecked car rusting away in an old photograph, and I see no improvement in restoring a wrecked car, without the restoration of love and compassion, oh no, another demon creeps in, with feeling sorry for myself.

That’s my demons, my feelings… that’s the best way to describe it, at least for me, for now.

This gave me my sure footing for now, along the cliffs of life… and maybe shared what way to look at things, for you to look at things to fight your own demons… whether it’s alcohol, anger, and whole host of other demons you have to deal with…

Cause they’re forming armies, and the numbers are astronomical at times, and suck you down into a toilet in the flush mode… meaning they spin you around so fast in the flush mode, so you can’t get control/footing of your mind, in your thoughts, and get sucked into the septic tank, or sewer processing plant for urban areas.

I’m sorry for the verboseness, cause that’s my writing style, there might be demons in there too…
why isn’t “Somedays” it a word, they even wrote songs of it. Sometimes, are words in the English language, why not somedays?”

The song “Somedays” in the title of a Paul McCartney song is one word, but the incorrect spelling says it isn’t a word… it should be 2 words “Some days”… we keep making spaces between people too… divisions like lining up people to be executed… you can read the lyrics to “Somedays” here… if you don’t speak Spanish.


I wish you were here,
and are ready for grafting
The Cherry Trees are Planted

I‘m ready to crave death again, and give up on life… this sadistic/masochistic life, where I’m at odds with myself, and battling with myself in my mind… over principles and powers that run the world… trying to change it, so I’m finally satisfied… which that will never happen alone.

I saw this song I Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd as cover by Emily Linge, and it brought the line of the song, into my mind.

“A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?”

Music has always been my forte, but even more now with the cherries on her blouse… and the song wish you were here.

I know I seem desperate, but I’m looking for a singer with talent, because I have no talent, and need a singer, that believes in me and my message. I want to sing to the world before I die, and go to the dark side of the moon.

I’m more of a production talent, I see talent and want to exploit it… but that changed in moving to Montana in 1999, now I want to produce talented individuals… it’s exploitation out of the Fish Bowls, and egos are free to swim in the oceans of the world… and not in the fish bowls of record labels

They had their times, and now it’s the computers and digital times that will replace them… it’s scary cause I don’t know what will happen, our destruction with General AI taking the lead, or our blessings with healings in our wings with love, truth, and compassion taking the lead.

I’m just going off on this vision I’m having, and running with it… hopefully I won’t fall and cut myself, cause the double edge is sharp.

(Tangent Thought)
Just got my cherry trees both of them planted in the ground, from Fast Growing Trees, and I need to prepare them for grafting, with cuttings from the plum tress next door, before I sell it to the renter.

Now back to the subject at hand…
I need a friend with singing talent, and musical talent too… and believes in positive messages in songs, though they need to be real events and situations… cause that guides individuals towards the light, or darkness, cause they hear the song and can relate to it, or not and hate it.

Just remember I’m sick and on bedrest, not by my lack of searching for healing, but with today’s healthcare it is only out for profit, and not for healing… I gave them 9 months, and I’m better off at home and bandaging myself, but I need a nurse for stretching my hips with range of motion exercises, and if you could do that too, then it’s a plus for me, it’s exploitation for you… but we will both be benefited from it.

Music is a the great motivator. Armies had musicians leading armies into war, thinking they would win, but any violent war would make both sides losers, and trap you in the violence trap… like a sunken pit you couldn’t climb out of it.

It’s called the MIC(Military Industrial Complex) pit, once you fall in, you can’t climb out of it… and fight with others trapped in the pit…which could be compared to Earth, and the many pits with the nations, and arms dealers supplying the wars.

It’s all a scam, and we all know the wars, supplies the wealth to the bankers, that feed the wars… there is the frontlines that fight and die in the wars, then there are the shadows that fund and supply the wars.
It treats the wars as a commodity, that you buy and sell, and the fruits of the wars are not peace, but POWER.

Peace is sought inside through meditation and prayer, and it’s not something, that you should fight for.
You need to fight for it again to supply the riches to those who value it, and it makes it easier to buy things in the world of trade… but trade brought the ideas of war, to get what you want, into the world’s society.

“Wars are just a waste of time, and peace is born inside … you don’t have to fight for it.”

I’m petering out on my visions… and have to wait… or get you as lost, as I feel right now.