Return to About Tomidjah

10 – Tomidjah’s Say – February


Tomidjah’s Journal

Where I talk to myself, and make sense of this corruptible world, and remove the errors from my mind, for sanity’s purposes… when I read, what I’ve written here, in my peace of mind in silence.



This Month
I couldn’t get it right

So, let’s listen to the Climax Blues Band, that had the same problem… maybe the next month will be better.

Maybe next entry will be better, but I always liked this song… even though I was blind and I couldn’t see… walking into walls and such.

I didn’t build the walls… it was placed by external forces.


I’m About Ready

With the Incompetence of others in the world… and there is so much incompetence to go through, and maybe find one gem worth saving… out of the billions inhabiting this world.

Everyone seeks their own way, and not have a universal way… that’s the same for everyone.
I know you want your own way for security reasons, but there must be a link to the old universal way, along the chain to the consumers… locking out the hackers.

There must be a way to fulfill that, without changing the universal way of the consumer interface.

JP Morgan is on the top of my list of incompetence… I pay early and they don’t clear it, they keep sending me alerts…they need to get their records straight… it seems like they are cooking their books.

“The problem with incompetence is its inability to recognize itself.”
— Orrin Woodward

“When success and incompetence meet, disaster is not far away.”
— Robert Kiyosaki

“Always assume incompetence, before looking for conspiracy.”



Peter Green and Fleetwood Mac
Oh Well

This was before Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham joined Fleetwood Mac.

This was a special song for me, I first heard it from The Rockets- OH WELL, I didn’t know it was a cover song from Fleetwood Mac, when Peter Green wrote the songs.
Hell, I didn’t know who was Peter Green either… until I found out he wrote the song, when he was in Fleetwood Mac, before he left in the early 70s.

But I always credited it being written by The Rockets.

Music is a mystery to me, and rhythms and melodies make up the tight grooves of dance music, and I start tapping to the beat, when a groove moves me.

I liked the words of this song, and it described me after my accident, the second verse was God talking to me, and “don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to.”

God has a sense of humor, he cracked a joke, a ribbing of me in a light hearted way… but he was straight to the truthful point… it depended on me and my choices, it changed the variables… it was the “Might Not” phrasing, that gave way to more variables that would occur to my character.

God is great… God is Spirit… and spirit is alive in us all… it’s the reason we breathe, and our hearts beat.


Click the CC button for Lyrics

I have an anxious heart today, preaching what I don’t know about it, and if it’s ethical in nature, and I don’t make it worse.

So I need to be blessed, and I wonder, if I need a sign born out of doubt, will it be for the better or worse?
I guess I can just go by faith, but pray it’s for the better… just do the best that you can… it’s all that we can do.

“You are the light, when my world goes dark
You hold me together, when I’m torn apart
And when my thoughts have run way too far
You’re the calm for my anxious heart”

The heart is our connection with the spiritual side, emotions are the fuel to the energies of the heart.
Emotions are hurtful, or can be a complete joy to feel… I’ve only started talking the emotional language, and I’m learning it’s a painful journey, which carries a lot of pain, but there are the other side which carries a lot of joy too.

I’m left to go blindly by faith, and do just the best I can do… and be happy with that.

We all live that way.

Locked up and I’m so in my head
Heart starts racing and I can’t slow it down
Hands shaking and l’m losing my breath
Paralyzed with a mind spinning out
My strength has grown weak”

When you feel this way, just do your best, and it will be OK… God is merciful, to those who practice merciful actions, if you’re imperfect and fail continually, then you’ll need blessings and mercy.

This is a world of experimentations, and it was designed for judgments to be perfected, so we need forgiveness, if it’s ever to be perfected.
Then it will become heaven on Earth, and we can teach others, aliens and us, so that they are welcome here.

Don’t get me going about extraterrestrials and UFOs… which requires my banks of info on that subject.

The heart is our connection with those too, and many lies and truths are born there too, which gives rise to delusions and understandings too.

“The most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.”
– Helen Keller



All Good Things
– Machines –

The band All Good Things performed the song called “Machines”.  … the Lyrics can be found at

This band I’ve been following for about 4-5 years now, and I don’t know how they meant it… it seems like a freedom message, but they’re on the borderline between right and wrong, so I need to look at the lyrics to give my view of the song.

These lines of the chorus seems to be sarcasm, with correlations to our bodies and machines , but maybe not so loud and ambiguous, it’s hard to tell.

“‘Cause we are machines
Starting with a stone cold heart
We don’t need to breathe (We are machines)
‘Cities of resistance falling
Under our feet (We are machines)
Metal and emotionless
No battlefield can hinder us”

Sounds like a satirical piece, but what do I know… their hearts are in the right place, to pick up on the correlations between human and machines…
But how deep, do they go?

I’m still lingering on that question for myself… and if it’s the right move… I’m lost within myself, but like a moth continually flying at the outside light, and avoiding the hi tech traps that fries you in their traps, I still think that there’s redemption from this cruel world.

I can relate to All Good Things with MACHINES, cause it’s Metal and emotionless and the world is material and emotionless, it seems more and more everyday.



Emily Linge
End of the Dream

I need a chill pill, and take a relaxing listen… I’ve been affected by this song after I heard it at first, and now it’s in my head like an earworm. Right now, it’s on automatic repeat.

I looked up “reeling”, and it sounded like it never was awkwardly used… the meaning is


“I staggered in swaying” is what I would have chosen, or maybe “overwhelmed”, it’s your decision… just my honest opinion… of what would make it better.

My dreams ended when my ego took over my decision making skills… it wastes your time trying for wasted games, that inevitably ends for everyone alive… and we have to face the reality of life.

It’s the truth, sometimes it’s a hard truth, if you’re not optimistic, to see the positive side of life. Sometimes you can be so optimistic, and can be stifling to everyone around you, and burden others… bumping into them… like bacteria cells crowding by over population… the good bacteria that lives in the gut and bowels.

Bacteria has a a good side, and a darkside too.

I don’t mean to go off on a tangent… for you… but you see what I’m talking about?

You don’t want to spread bad feelings by bumping into those around, rather spread good feelings by acknowledging their space and rights… it’s like smiling at the end of your videos and staring in the camera, it puts your signature in  the end of the video.

When it’s deep you give no stare at the camera… or you’re deep in thought, like your thinking, which is what you did to end this video.

Don’t give up the reasons for dreaming, you can treasure those in your quiet times… and it’s in your heart, and you have musical talent, along with all your family.

So don’t forget the reasons for dreaming… there must’ve been a good reason for dreaming in the first place.
Find the reason and cherish that… it’s a precious jewel… don’t throw it away in anger, or you’ll regret it.


The Calling is
Breaking my Ear Drums

The screaming calling is breaking my ear drums, or heart drums… the word EAR is in both of them.

Inside the heart I hear the calling, and I feel the calling, and I need to articulate the calling to other’s ears, but how do you articulate feelings to others… in a verbal communication with words… feelings are the words, but you don’t know how to articulate feelings into words…

Like Love, you can seem like a stalker, dumbfounded by love in silence, you can admire what you love, but you’re in a cage of silence, and can’t articulate the love that you feel.
Unless you want to be a Tasmanian Devil to express your love, and no one understands you.

Here’s some words for your emotions, it’s not a complete picture… there is so much more.

There is so much more to the language of the heart, it covers the whole of life’s experiences, and beyond that, into the other grades/classes of life.

The language of feelings require more learning, to be able to talk about it with confidence… and make sense… and not use words instead of feelings.

I wish I was brought up to speak the language of feelings, telepathically, instead of the verbal use of words.
It’s my dreams… and hopes… no one needs to speak, and articulate their feelings, only in silence.

This song was the theme of my HS Junior prom, picked by another classmate, and these lines, are the ones I remember.

“People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence”

I never heard of this song before, it was picked by another classmate… so thanks Sheree.
It was written in 1963-64 by Paul Simon… it was into rock and roll instead.


The link to the Spiritual side
of your Heart

Feelings are the words, that you use to communicate with the spiritual side of your heart, I’m deaf and mute on that subject… unless you want me to lie, Mom said I was a good liar, it must be after I caught her lying to me about Santa Claus… I must’ve lied so masterfully then.

Anyway, this is a deep complex subject, so I hate explaining things, and this youtube video explains the heart in the basic form… it’s like categorizing feelings in their own folders… there’s is so much to learn about the heart, including the basics here in this video… cause I see it as opening the door to heaven, where everything exists.

So Catholics are happy with the Trinity explanation… which I am Catholic, but that brought me to suicidal tendencies, until I was Born Again, but that made me look at my life and religions in a whole new light… self research and reeducating myself, but seeking the connection with the holy comforter, living in my heart.
So I’m not deaf anymore… it’s just that I don’t understand the feelings/words they use, in the language of the heart.

There is so much more about the heart, that’s a mystery, an endless mystery, you learn something new about your heart everyday.

Or you died without knowing about it, and living like a zombie, cause you can’t think without checking your smartphone every second of every minute, or every hour of the day. They are nice toys, but they’re the worst connections to heaven.

The connections to heaven are inside your heart, and are true connections to sanity, and mental good health. You pray with your heart in secret to God, and God rewards you openly and publicly, so you’re in danger, because you blow up your ego, where it’s on a pedestal to be admired by you to a delusional feelings… and if you don’t tame it, and put it on a leash to control it, it can bite you or others.

Don’t make me regret telling you this fact, and I wish you all the best with this true knowledge, you know the scripture in Ecclesiastes 1:18:

“For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.

Keep your secret tamed and serving you, and not going wild barking and growling at everything, but love is a way of overcoming, and should be used in treating your secrets of power.

Don’t become delusional and narcissistic, it’s a subtle trap, and you don’t see it before it springs on you, and traps you with doubt and despair, but know faith will free you by grace… we all live by grace and breathe oxygen and our hearts beat into the next day and beyond.

You just have to stay humble, I’ll be the arrogant one to protect you… no, I should stay humble too, but I rage for the ones I love, before I come to my senses, and humbly petition what’s wrong with reason, truth, and love.

It’s hard to stay humble sometimes… but that’s the heart, it can go into an emotional rage easily, but you have got to catch it, and humble it at command, so that it serves you.



Jimmy McCarthy 
No Frontiers

Jimmy McCarthy wrote the song “No Frontiers”.  The Lyrics are here.

He feels the same about life, as I do, and he’s from Ireland in the County Cork, I guess my ancestors came from County Limerick, it’s northern county neighbor… so we probably would’ve been close friends.
But My Great, Great, Grandfather came over the lake of the world, as an immigrant to America… so I’ll never know… but I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but the truth, my Mom was a fanatic about the Truth.

She must’ve been traumatized by lies at some part of her childhood growing up in East Harlem, Manhattan, NY. … cause she was a fanatic about the truth, and instilled it in me… so that I became a fanatic too, but was healed by the spirit of God… and was more sensible through reason and the truth… one of the talents that was on my Father’s side, and he continued supporting me with my dreams… which I have yet to find.

I can’t sing or play music, everyone says I write beautifully, so I tried to write a blog over the last decade… but WordPress doesn’t give you the tools to succeed, it only gives you the walls to graffiti on.

So to get back to Jimmy McCarthy and another song
called the Bright Blue Rose
and here are the lyrics.

“Two thousand years and still it goes
To ponder his death and his life eternally.”

I guess this is referring to Jesus, and he is in my heart too, and communing with me in my boat, on this journey through the seas of this world… the holy spirit/comforter “will teach you about all things”… but I tend to sin, more than not… but the ghost of my Mom never left me, she still haunts me to tell the truth.

So while I play with my Alchemist’s Stones as blocks, and build an understanding to a world, where I feel at home, instead of this prison cell, that I stared at for 3 years now, a sentence, that I don’t know, what I did to deserve this.

Well, this blog is an open book, like a personal diary to the world… I got my narcissism from my mother’s side. I know diaries are where you write about what’s bothering you, or what’s on your mind… the mark of social theories, and other social sites on the WWW(Internet).

So I tend to use youtube a lot, I don’t have to write about a lot of texts… which is annoying to me.

It’s better than sleeping, unless I have dreams… but they’re always nightmares, I eventually wake up from… and realize I have the same problems, before I fell asleep.

I’ll just keep waiting to die… and get some rest.


Wall Street Landlords

The corporate landlords buying up the foreclosed houses, it brings me back in history to feudal systems.

They make themselves Lords/Landlords, and renters became the vassals, paying the extreme rents is the service they provide, instead of the old embezzlement traits.

The correlations between feudal times and today’s times, is in my mind like a virus, that I can’t get rid of… the delete button of my mind doesn’t work, in getting rid of it.

Since the Pandemic just ended, the talk of viruses came up again, but it’s an attack on your mind, instead of the PC/Mac/Linux distros.

Sounds like a formal leases, it evolved to this, only minor changes made, but the principle is intact… it’s more like a legalized slavery, where the Vassal is enslaved to the Lord, to serve him.

Monarchical times were, where we elected our gods to rule over ourselves, most like willing slavery, but a taste of slavery just the same, however mild it is, it’s still slavery.

I bought the documentary of Abraham Lincoln: Season 1 which was over 318 minutes, 3 Episodes. These are free clips from those I bought for $3.99 on sale… that’s why I’m obsessed from the thought of slavery, and how it drew the lines between fairness and justice, and we’re still fighting over another’s color of their skin.

I would like to let it rest, and put it into the bed of oblivion for a permanent nap.

I’m just simple man spouting off, on what’s on my mind. I finally got through it last night, and I learned a lot about the Civil War, that I didn’t know before.

Cause my thought process is like a river flowing through my mind, and once it leaves my mind it goes back into the flow of the river… into oblivion for me… forgetfulness.
So I need to be reminded of it again, if you want to stir back the memory of it.

So this is a playlist of 7 videos, and they should play through… or it’s another bug of youtube.

So,  it was a good purchase, it brought the things a President has to deal with to end slavery, and all the other aspects attached to emancipation… and the overall pressures that he had to deal with.
I couldn’t watch it in bed, I have a tendency to fall asleep.

I take what I gathered from the river of life, and go to feed my mind with what thoughts I gathered from the river, and go make my mind’s creeks and streams, and for ponds where I store my wildlife, and the sewer plants where I store filtered water for reuse… it’s a lot of work to think thoughts, and arrange them where you can articulate it, in texts like books.

Well that my daily today… I had to get up and start the generator today, cause the power went off for about an hour, and I had a breaker go off on the generator, and it must have not been obvious to me, cause I flipped the switches to generator, and it first started with the load, then I came back in the house, and there was nothing on, that should’ve been on… so I wasted my time plugging things in 110v plugs for the cooling system fans,exhaust,temperatures,etc. … and there was nothing… it was in the teens Fahrenheit, so it was biting cold.

Then it came back on… I want to complain about the new 10 digit dialing system, from the Old 7 digit system, where you have to include the AT&T long distance service access code, to make a long distance call, and now everyone has a cell phone, but I like my landline, and I hate the cell phones, it puts the power into the hands of worse scumbags than AT&T.

Anyway, the power went out, and when I tried to call my friend’s cell phone with the new requirement for 10 digits, it always asked for the access code for AT&T before I finished the number, but when I called the utility number which required 10 digits, it allows me to dial the number… I was in a dilemma when the power goes off.

I don’t need AT&T anymore… so I’m thinking of changing it again… turning it off.



Tom Jones
Green Green Grass Of Home

I was always a fan of Tom Jones, this is a cover of a song written by Curly Putman called “Green Green Grass of Home”. … the Lyrics are here.

I always felt my home was upstate NY, but that quickly faded away, and now NW Montana is, but I don’t feel at home here either… at times with friends, it kind of resembles home, but I know those friends will die too.

I think the spiritual afterlife is my home, and the Green Green  Grass of that home is full of life, that’s pure, and untainted from the fleshly world of sin/mistakes/errors.

This world is so tainted from our mistakes, that they pollute the purity of life itself.
This old house is still standing, is like me and my body is still alive.

The old house is still standing
Though the paint is cracked and dry
And there’s that old oak tree that I used to play on
Down the lane, I walk with my sweet Mary

Hair of gold and lips like cherries
It’s good to touch the green, green grass of home

I don’t know if the Old Oak Tree is still there across the creek from my old house, that had the waterfall, that I sat on like a throne/altar. Where I would meet with God, and think about growing up… and my life has been like a feather in the wind… where the wind blows me, I Am.

When this nightmare of life is over, and I wake up in the green green grass of home, perhaps it’ll be appreciated by me, but I’m waiting to see whats out there for my future… if it’s anything of life here on Earth, then it’s a neverending nightmare… there are vacations that are good and enjoyable, but they end, and you have to return to work… the nightmare.

Then I awake and look around me
At four grey walls that surround me
And I realize, yes, I was only dreaming

For there’s a guard and there’s a sad, old padre
On and on, we’ll walk at daybreak
Again, I’ll touch the green, green grass of home

When I wake to the green green grass of home again, I hope it’s permanent, though this World is to be missed, but it’s a lot of work… that is if I had a job, or know what I’m supposed to do, but breathe, and eat, and be as merry, as I can be.

I know God has a purpose for me, but God is the source of wind that blows me to another state/territory/country/nations of the world… where God takes away the wind, that planted me here.

I miss that Old Oak Tree, and the acorns that fed the squirrels… and the murdering of the woodchucks from my hunting mass-murderings … before I became a believer in life, and I repented of all I killed.

I’m looking forward to the green green grass of home, and finally leaving this world.

But “I’ll be back”… I just don’t know who I’ll be.


This video of Alan Watts talking about illusions of Money, Time, and Ego, is enlightening my burdens tonight… it gets lighter to carry the load, when you see someone expressing the same things you feel.

It seems as if a fellowship with the dead, makes the load lighter… but he’s alive to me from his talks, as if he didn’t die in 1973, but he did according to Wikipedia… it was a strange death.

“His wife, Mary Jane Watts, wrote later in a letter that Watts had said to her
“The secret of life is knowing when to stop”.”

So after that, it is something to chew about, and swallow your thoughts, and make it enter your bowels, and digest it, and see what grows from it… I’m not sure of giving up is a secret to life…

I tried that in my teens, and was unsuccessful and told my Colonel in charge of my SAC division, to go “Fuck Off” while trying to sleep it off, when he was pounding on my door for a surprise inspection… but I woke up blind from trying to OD on PCP.

He was mad that I didn’t answer the door… and when he inspected my room I had a large 48 star US flag which my Grandfather’s souvenir from WWII, was hanging on the ceiling covering the fluorescent lights, which wasn’t an active flag, and that saved me from the numerous violations attached to active flags and their display.

He was pissed at me again, cause he couldn’t write me up… it wasn’t an active flag.

I was pissed at him too, and felt they closed the USAF base in Thailand, when I was in bootcamp, and it was where I was supposed to go… cause it was my first choice… but that never happened, and I went to Griffith USAF base in Utica, NY, which was only 4 hours away from Grand Gorge… so I made excursions to Grand Gorge many times on the weekends.

Then I had the accident that crippled me, and confined me to a wheelchair at 19 years old, so I felt more reasons to be pissed off, but it was enlightening me to see a whole new life… with God’s spirit… God’s spirit is not holy, cause it contains dark evil spirits too… but I could be wrong in that assumption too.

Isaiah 45:7
“I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.

I‘ve learned that the hard way, over time… but I kept on looking for truth, and it continually evaded me…
I had reoccurring dream in my adolescent years, where a light, I kept trying to catch it, and it kept evading me, and when I gave up chasing it, the light kept coming near me, and wanted me to chase it, but it kept on evading me.

It wasn’t a nightmare, but it was a frustrating dream, cause it was a reoccurring dream… I know it was over 2 times, but it was must’ve been 4 times, and then I had different dreams.
Me chasing lights, that don’t want to be caught.

So I took it as God is the light, and if I caught it, then my life would be over, there would be no purpose to life… it came to my mind last week, and other previous times, but I never formed the words to articulate its meaning… until last week.

If I caught God, I would put him in a bottle like a Genie, and study him as all the religions do now… but God is not an inanimate object to be studied, God made us as an object to be studied.

It gets confusing to study God with Philosophy, Religions, Metaphysical, etc. … God is as vast as the Universe… God was called the Lord of Hosts, which is another name for galaxies… the Lord of galaxies.

I’m fizzling out without words, it’s 6:25am… and I’m tired of writing… and need to fall asleep… which brings up the reoccurring dream again, where I give up chasing it… the light… and want to drift off to sleepzzzzzZZZZZ.


Hunter Root
Quicksand Sinking

HourGlass Sinking… time goes by for us all.
I came by this from Hunter Root called Quicksand Sinking.

It’s a thought for today, to ponder on, and realize you are on downward spiral staircase towards the cellar of life, there is always a stairway up too, it causes stress by fighting the magnetic pull of death… the climbing in the hourglass, when you pass through the middle glass, and fall to the bottom into your rest chamber.

All you need is someone to start the clock again, and flip the hourglass again… what we need is to stop the hourglass prison… we need to progress to the analog mechanical clocks, and on to  digital clocks.
It takes time passing to reach beyond the digital age, and what comes after the digital age?
God only knows.

You can see God as the warden of this prison, or as a best friend that you converse with everyday.

It’s your choice everyday, I’m cursing my best friend somedays, and somedays I’m giving loving wishes to my best friend… I’m sinking in a whirlpool of water, which is inevitable for everyone alive, as they pass through the glass gate/doorway to death, where you lie in rest, where you wait for someone/reincarnation to flip you over again.

It depends on your faith, or you don’t believe in reincarnation… you don’t know what happens after death, cause you haven’t died yet, though some went through a NDE, but they sent you back to finish your job, cause you are connected with everyone you meet, and it will crush those, that you have a lot to share with.

God kept me alive, and I made myself blind from an unsuccessful attempt at suicide, by overdosing from PCP.
It was my own personal NDE, but I never died… though the Hospital’s emergency room, someone/nurse said I died, but I don’t remember anything except the waking up Monday, to my Dad sitting by my hospital bed.

I guess I needed to experience/feel this, again in my mind.
It’s what it feeds, into your own mind from my experiences, that is important.

Every thought, it is another grain of sand, as it passes though the doorway to understandings, from the halls of confusions… (AKA) as “life itself”.


Hoyt Axton – The Pusher

He was a songwriter in the 60’s – 70s, and went into films TV and Movies, and wrote “The Pusher” before Steppenwolf made it famous.

He played the Father in the Gremlins movie, where he brought the Mogwai (Gizmo) home to meet Billy his Son.

The Gremlins were our High School Sport’s Teams names the “Gremlins”, whether it was basketball, baseball, or soccer, the Gremlins is what we carried… and the Movie “Gremlins” came out in 1984, which I read the book by George Orwell  “1984”, in the year 1984 too. So 1984 was a very good year.

It was enlightening for me to say the least.

And Hoyt Axton was born in Duncan, OK and died in Victor, MT in 1999.
The year I moved to Montana.

So we have a lot in common, we are both songwriters, and some bands made him famous, but he had an addiction to cocaine, but I kicked that when I was in my twenties… but always smoked pot/marijuana… I could drive better too.

And left NY for Wyoming, which turned out to be a year, before going to college in Sitka, AK, and then New Hampshire NEC, before going to the NEC Campus they had in Arundel, UK, and then I returned to NY cause my Godson was killed in car accident from a Drunk Driver, and then I went to College in Roanoke-Salem, VA, before I dropped out, and started spending my tuition money on Analog recording and digital recording equipment.

What I could do now on cheap hardware, and major recording software, doesn’t even come close to the $20,000 I paid for the PC designed for digital recording, it had no effects I had to have patchbays and the hardware, compressors, reverb, echos and delays…etc.

It got to cost more than my tuition money, could afford.

But it was fun making a recording studio in Grand Gorge, NY, where I returned to, and called it Rain Studio, which someone stole the name and was distributing Porn, so I ended up calling it 2Rain, and I had the stroke in 2004, but someone stole that name so I called it 2Rains… but I lost the data on that site, so you get an error when you try to access

It’s on Bluehost hosting, instead of Siteground, where all my hosting is by Siteground, and all the hosting is done by different hosting sites, but my personal wordpress site is done by Siteground, and I’m thinking of moving all the other sites to Siteground too.

I like to keep it all under the same site hosting, it makes it easier for me… I’m not that quick of mind anymore, and I don’t see me as getting younger anytime soon… I’m already over the hill at 65.

So, I’ll try to move the,, etc. to Siteground hosting site, it was stationed in Eastern Europe before, then they moved it to Chicago… I liked the customer service when they were in Eastern Europe.

Siteground forever, I guess.


By Emily Linge

To Be Your Date 

I wish she wrote it about me, but it’s not to be.

I’m flattered by this song, but it raises a stalker’s hopes… delusionally hoping, that it will never be… or a One Night Charlie, after they get a piece of you, and once they got what they wanted… and you never hear from them again.

Spousal love is romantic, but romance is dead with everyone, it’s kept alive by the whores and loose women hoping delusionally. Romantic love is between spouses, if you’re a polygamist, then handmaidens and spouses… that’s for someone, that’s not ready to commit to one person.

One person is all I need for romantic love, but we are all fucked up searching for our other half, and we judge the others for doing the wrong thing, and give up, but one reason is its detrimental to my character, the core of who I am, or it’s detrimental to the other half and their character, the core of their being.

I pray to God, of the many females I’ve been attracted to, and pray/feel that they don’t like me, or not enough faith to take care of me, cause I see myself in a hospital bed for the rest of my life, if this bedsore doesn’t heal, from the failing healthcare in  the US, if I have to go to another country to heal myself… then God’s doctor needs a ticket to the US.

I don’t answer the phone, unless they leave a message, and the message is addressing the healing of bedsores, I’ll call back… otherwise it’s a telemarketer reaching their quotas…

To get a date with me, I haven’t dated for over 23 years now, so I don’t expect, what you expect in dating anymore. Dating is a commitment based to me, and I need forgiveness to be upfront, with us both, and fidelity too on top, as a cherry on an ice cream sundae.

Whatever the flavor, is OK with me,  if it’s true fidelity with forgiveness in love… commitment based too.

That’s what I’m looking for… it sounds like a nursing application.


and Narcissism

This is a video by Lex Fridman and Paul Conti, speaking about AI and Narcissism and the correlations between the two… in my view everyone is narcissistic, only there are different levels, like mountain ranges in a painting resembles the narcissism of the artist, that was a bad esoteric explanation, I could come up with a better example… but I’ll leave it in my mind right now, cause I cant understand it, it needs more digestion… no one wants to share their vomit. 

Paul Conti displays his egotistic narcissism, talking about narcissism… everyone is narcissistic, only the amplitudes are different, since I’m an audio engineer, you see, even I’m narcissistic in this explanation… the ego is narcissistic.
But he said a thought about the Envy principle, that I saw truth in, and requires me to digest, and to see other understandings about this subject.

My Mom was a narcissist, but I think age made her narcissistic, cause with age your body decays and atrophies, what was once young and vibrant, is now old and decrepit.
Making you feel sorry for yourself, and becoming more narcissistic as a symptom of a disease… but it brings you comfort, and grows from a freckle, to a mole, and to a very large cancerous tumor… I’m going into a rant, so here is the video.

Envy is one thing, that Paul Conti said, that hasn’t left my thoughts, and is haunting my mind’s thoughts, and its correlations with narcissism.

He spins the web, forming a cocoon around me with words, like a spider, and makes a cocoon around me, as his/her prey. I’m stuck in their web.

So, I’ll say bye for now, and let you judge/digest this video the way you want… thoughts feed our humanness with nutrition that we need, and there are so many absolutisms that we feed our mind, and sometimes brings nauseousness and vomiting, yet sometimes healthy feelings and clear cognitive feelings… we are all different, and what makes one sick, it makes another feel good… we all have different needs and wants, and our culture is reliant on that fact.

Narcissism is like the blood flow of a human body, it has very important qualities of making us do something, calmness of the decisions we make, and high blood pressure causes stress on the organs… it’s just a seed to plant in your mind, hopefully weeds doesn’t grow from it, but hopefully it blooms with a very beautiful flower, that has a nice relaxing scent… that gives you a very relaxing feeling… like lavender.


Pink Floyd
Breathe in the Air

I never heard the “Run Rabbit Run”, and never heard “Don’t Sit Down, Its Time to Dig Another One”, I remember hearing it, but no consciousness of it.

It would explain to me, from not hitting rabbits with my 22 rifle, when I aimed at them from (10ft-20ft) close range … it must be something spiritual… I thought.
Cause I fired the rifle, and there was no reaction from the rabbit, like I missed, so I moved closer to the rabbit, more like 10ft, and fired and missed again.
It boggled me… I didn’t want to eat him/her anyway… so I felt a spiritual presence, cause I wasn’t a murderer. I was about 12-14 years old.

(When I was in my ProHunting, before I went into AntiHunting Mode, after I killed a deer at home on Leave from the USAF, then it was like killing a man, cause the dying deer looked into my soul, and asked “WHY?”, I didn’t have an answer for him.)

Breathe in the Air”, was the first song on the Dark Side of the Moon album, when there was only vinyl albums in 1973.

I don’t like the “Dig That Hole, Forget the Sun” line of the lyrics. Though it wasn’t upfront, and in your face, that it entered in your consciousness, it only hovered over your mind.

But now that it’s in my mind, I need to come up with other words, to replace the lyrics that I don’t like.


Fascism is a Danger
We Face Everyday

This video is of Fascism given by Jason Stanley, is something I think about very slowly and methodically, with the past presidents elected in my life.

I see every president has a little Fascism in his blood, cause they serve the economy, rather than the people… that elected them. They get in office, and their heads blow up like balloons filled with helium gas, and they start to float above all the people… and they start to see them as stupid and manipulative, which turns them into politicians… and the lying rhetoric begins. 

These images are described by my imagination… I’m a sick individual.

The “Truth Shall Set You Free” is something Jesus said, and believed… but he was so ambiguous in that statement, cause he spoke truth in parables, instead of telling you the truth, cause he saw it was stifling your growth… he wanted you to find your own truth, from the perspective that God chose.

God’s vastness is immeasurable, and has many perspectives that we have yet to experience.

God ≠ Fascism, God is greater than Fascism, it’s like shedding skin, like dandruff… a one moment from many moments, that make up our lives.

I‘m being a bit rhetorical, like the politicians on a campaign trail… so I planted the seed, and we’ll see what grows in your mind’s garden… I only plant the truthful seeds, but occasionally weeds get by, and grow up to be weeds… so it depends on your nurturing of those seeds.
Weeds are just seeds that haven’t the known purpose of their existence, and it hasn’t been discovered yet, remember that all seeds have their purposes… whether it’s medical, cosmetology, etc. … there is some benefit to the human existence, however lame it is.



Everything Is Propaganda


Every word that comes out of the minds and hearts is propaganda, it tries to convince you of what they’re sharing.

Propagandainformation, especially of a biased or misleading nature,
used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view.
Definitions from Oxford Languages


We all are just babbling heads spouting of on the media, blogs, articles, etc. … and we find that we don’t know anything, it’s only our fears that we are comforting or misleading.

I feel I’m ripping off King Solomon, when he stated “everything is vanity under the Sun”.
Everything is Propaganda, meaning we are trying to find the truth by debating and talking about what we don’t know, and finding the first step, not the whole journey of the whole truth… the universe is as vast as the unknown, and we are like a baby journeying into space… taking our first steps in walking/exploring.

We set out to the Moon in 1969, and we found out that there are others in space already… but we keep that private/secret… and haven’t made a base on the moon…nations should join, and make an Earth base on the Moon.

I’m just a babbling head spilling his propaganda on the world’s face… it’s all propaganda, we just have to sort through the propaganda, to find the gems that we will take from this world.

Death is just a doorway at the end of life, into another classroom/life, or another bedroom to get rest that you need… someone will wake you, if there is a necessity to wake… you need the rest.


Mental Health Tyranny

This video of an interview of George Grant by Ramsay Cook in 1973, is a bit prophetical after the Pandemic scene, I didn’t read the Orwellian books they mentioned after he said “Mental Health” tyranny.

It referred to the novel by Aldous Huxley called the Brave New World where we were taken over subtly by prescription drugs that produced side effects, some mild and some extremely bad, I didn’t get through the Audio Book of, it might’ve been the narrator of that Brave New World… but I kept falling asleep to it.
Here’s a re-visitation to the Brave New World in 1958… it isn’t the book, but a revisiting of what’s in the book.

There were a couple of movies of the Brave New World one was a TV movie in 1980, and the more recent one in 1998 starring Leonard Nimoy, and another one a TV series, that makes a melodrama about it.

I read the book 1984, in 1984… it was ironic/coincidence, before I knew what ironic was defined as , which is as ambiguous as ever in understanding it.

I could write a book in understanding the definitions of “irony”.

But I didn’t start this, to go off on tangents everywhere my mind goes, but to reveal to myself and understanding of the future of this world… this technological/techniques world.

I’m stumped, until I get through the Brave New World, to see it from another perspective… it’s another rabbit hole I have to go down… I’m tired of going down rabbit holes… fantasies that produce nothing real, and are in the pretend realms of life… which are good for making plans, but plans can be destroyed once you make them.

And you’re left alone in a dilemma.


Pink Floyd –
Loss For Words

This song was already won, when you asked to wipe the slate clean, it was your attempt at giving an olive branch in love… don’t forget, that they won’t forget… they are no longer your enemy.

It lives with them now… and they can’t forget about it… it haunts their thoughts, and they told you to fuck yourself, but they fucked themselves.

We create strifes in cauldrons hatred, to make our lives harder, and less peaceful.

We wipe the peace of our harmony away with spiteful actions, we grow darker and more spiteful, until all we see are our shadows, and we lose ourselves in our hatreds, in our judgments of others … we need to find ourselves again.

I went to that paralyzing field before, and found feelings of hatred were the chains, that kept me there.

Only you can set yourself free.



Billy Joel –
We Didn’t Start the Fire

I always liked this song, for my personal reasons, and the message it contained… my interpretations are what’s personal.

We all fight the fires. that look to destroy ourselves, with attacks on our egos, and self confidence… bringing us down to new low. If we worry about our lives, and what choices we make, and how much is it going to cost us, then we’re no different than the politicians we elect to serve the demigod we created, aka MONEY.
Which will change to digital credit in the future… it’s in its birth stages right now… encryption x-ray stages, saying you’re preggo.

But we’re too blind to see, of the upside down pyramid, where we elect leaders, that are supposed to be our servants, and they’re now our dictators… looking and scheming for another session with their victory of elections.

This song by Billy Joel is like a prophecy of the times today, at least his life… I’ve been alive almost as long.

I know I sound mesmerized by this song, but it opened my eyes again, to look at it with different eyes, with a new perspective.

It still is true… no matter how many times I hear it, there is always one line that comes out of the song, that gives me a new feeling, from a different perspective.

Oh and I like the music too.

It has a little rock and roll tang to it.


Biden’s 2023
State of the Union speech

This is the first Speech of the State of The Union in 2023, I think this guy is the worst president in our history, mainly the jobs that he created, is low paying jobs.

I’m not finance economist expert, but I know how to lose the math skills that creates understanding… when you create loopholes you journey into the Alice in Wonderland fantasy, with printing money at command, so it’s not worth a thing… we already got conned by creating the FED, and the more I study it, the more lost I become.

It’s monopoly money, and no longer about paper money, and walking to edge of the digital cliff where the drop is quick and permanent, and leaving the control in tech industry’s court.

I get sick of watching the State of the Union speeches, for at least 50 years… I just wrote the “Organized Crime or Trade Unions?”, and this speech is making me thinking about it again, cause I can’t get it finished, cause it’s a rabbit hole.

Union Dues, are nothing more than Protection Money from the Organized Crime… and the protection money is disguised from politician’s corruption tactics, I thought we are their bosses, and they are our servants.

Instead they get in office and have the legislative powers, they treat us as their lists to funding, and sit at their desks and create junk calls. 

I understand the Unions, and the correlations between the mob’s protection money and the Union dues, I don’t see a difference… the Unions have their Pros and Cons too, I like the cheap labor of non union workers that can’t afford the Union Dues, and makes it more complicated to the simple minds.

Which is the Politicians Job, to complicate the simple life, to construct an architecture that is like a house of cards, and will fall at will. Without a strong foundation, and will fall by the slightest breeze.

The laws and regulations are litter in the road, without law enforcement.
Democrats and Republicans are the two sides of the same coin… nothing but protection money from corruption from the corruptive garden of politics.

What’s the point?
The state of the union is just a moment of pick pockets fleecing our wealth, through taxes and fees.

He has a way about him, yelling at the people he addresses to “Name me One”, we are trying to figure out what he is talking about… I went back and he was talking about China before the “Name me One” comment, so let’s start a war with China… so it must be the end of my life…

Cause I was arguing with Shawn, my childhood friend, that war with China while we were throwing hay bales into the neighbor’s barn… I saw them as people, like us, they have their problems too.

So as we progress to one president, to the next president, which will be less to us, than the first U.S. president… cause we never grew past the light, and was marveled by the other nations that we want to lead, but we lead them to the whirlpool of society.

Which we ascend to the top of others by following professional liars, that step on the backs of their constituents… which doesn’t grow you towards the light, and surpass it… it grows under the light, and there it will stay… until someone invents away around the light, to surpass it.

The only way around it, is through eternal life, but we’ll probably fuck that up too… we did that at the beginning of life already… with the creation story… Adam and Eve in Genesis.


Queen Band & David Bowie
Under Pressure

I always liked this song, and I didn’t know all the facts about it, that David Bowie was a co-author of it.
It’s always been in my heart, the message of it… without the sexual messages, I’m more of an abstinent individual… not indulging to the dark side… I know it’s hard sometimes… I already was conquered 3 times by my rage/lost temper moments today.

But I still try to get over my obstacles/stumbling blocks in my path, and try to follow Jesus, the Jesus not of the evangelist persuasion… but the Jesus in my mind and heart. 
Freedom of Religion, and all that… my own personal Jesus… he said a person in the closet/room, not in the temples worshiping God has more chance of being heard by God.

This was like a cup of tea, I would drink to relax at the end of the day… maybe that’s why I’m up till well into the night and early morning… even tea, like coffee has caffeine.

This song is my personal Jesus anthem, there is so much more to God, than Jesus, as Jesus explained through parables so many times in the new testament.

He told simple stories that anyone could understand, but they hold the keys to your imaginations, that could be the wrong door, or rooms filled with lies and pleasures, but this is to weed out the people who steal, and look out only for themselves, instead of  the commonness of mankind.

You have to seek God in truth by your spirit… in secret, and God will reward you in the flesh… you then have the danger of your ego, becoming unbalanced, and you falling and hurting yourself.

Jesus claimed the light side, so I’m following him to the light side, but I’m aware of the dark side too… the enemy I like to know more about, it’s like the whole picture with lightness and darkness, white and black, the balance between the two gives you more details, then one side’s dominance, overexposure or underexposure, it masks the details.

It’s like the flashlight shining it in your face, or shining it on your path… one blinds you, and one enlightens you.

Well, no more pressure… to end this on a good note.


Sent By Ravens –
Salt and the Light

I just wanted you to hear it first, before I typed, “I came here with Nothing, but I left with Everything”… So, it goes with every word of this song… I could pack my bags long ago, but I came with Nothing, so no need to pack… I have a lot of treasures I found here, so I leave with Everything… some unexpected treasures.

I’m still coming out of the dungeons, in my mind and heart, and going towards the light/understanding of the data in my mind, and it will feed my heart with all the data I understand.

Feelings live in the heart, and is the language of the heart… feelings, emotions are the words of that language… I don’t know the reality yet, I guess I’ll be student into the next life.

I’ll share what I learned before I go, but not until I understand… cause it might be beautiful weeds, but they have no purpose, only the beauty is its reward. Vanity is quickly fading with age, and looks decrepit in old age, till the next Spring.

I collect them only for their beauty… I have a lot of beautiful bookmarks.

But I have a collection of meaningful principles, that are treasures to me, and me alone… they’ll be going with me from this world… thus “I left with everything”.

I’ll try not to horde the special principles, and I’ll share them with you… if you have the same interests as me… I’ll leave those cookies, as crumbs to mark the trail I came down, where I found those principles.

“I came here with nothing, but I left with everything”


I Don’t Wanna Pray

I just want to introduce you to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros with “I Don’t Wanna Pray”.
I want to be the prayer, instead of to pray… God created both Good and the Bad, Love and Hate… it’s deep and needs to be thought about… we pray for God to talk to like a friend, and whatever God gives me is the rewards that I deserve, or are persecuted for my views… we are here, for a short time.

At least that’s what the Australian Aboriginals think, we are here temporarily… like a nano seconds of our life.

I would rather be the prayer, instead of the prayers of desires, that lack the faith to fulfill those desires… because the lack of inspiration.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.
By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God,
so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.”

I’m at my lowest form I’ve ever been at, I’m almost to the town of Despair, but the call of faith in my heart is calling out loud, and I need to see some improvement in my health, I see no evidence, which is what’s said… it’s a bait on a hook, from my past experiences, and I learned not bite anymore.

Debates are only the rewards of being hooked, by the fishermen… I’m already talking to God as my friend, and since “God is Spirit” by Jesus’ account, I don’t want to piss God off, by judging others in debates… which gives rise to judgment when you debate a point.

It’s fine you see that point, God is great and covers every point in the world, and you’re seeing your viewpoint of God, and I’m seeing another viewpoint of God from a totally different point of view.

This world is already complicated, no sense in biting the hook, and end up in disagreements about God, cause you see a different part of God than I do… God is like a Phoenix Bird, it’s beautiful, but every form of the Phoenix is different, cause it’s not real… or no evidence has produced proof of it.

Thus explaining all the different religions of the same God… God inhabits our minds, and speaks to us everyday… in silence with feelings, but we are not listening.
How do you listen to feelings?

Empathy is our listening ears of the “feelings” language… I’ve been introduced to it, when God stopped talking to me with words, and continued with silence, and trying to feel feelings, that has been our communications, for about a year or two… well since the Pandemic started in 2020.

This is a very weird language, and I don’t know the structure of it… I know the feelings, but I need a tutor, where I can speak English, and learn about it… all the other shit, like education, is like taking another language course, which resembles a hook.

And I ain’t biting anymore… I’m an advanced student learning about another language, that is silent and doesn’t use words… So I need a tutor… which I’m going to surf and browse the internet, for someone who talks from the heart, where feelings exist.


of Song’s Lyrics

I needed this song for my personal development, and feedback… for the reader’s development.
It should make you see life differently, than you do now… the “Whole World” is talking to you/us, when will you listen

I think we are listening, just missing the highlights, cause society moves too fast… and I’m getting old, too old to move that fast.

I’m an old soul, that’s just too fed up with ultimatums and failures… it doesn’t keep me motivated to succeed… truth, is the light I seek.

But hypocrisy is an annoyance, that I would like to avoid… I’ll just blame myself, if deal with personal failures anymore.

“Love is waiting patiently, when you start to listen”

When love isn’t a bitch, that wants to be heard like a tyrant, and an oppressor talking shit, and doesn’t wipe their mouth.
Cause it can be an Ass in control of love too, and farting with ass gas, and stinking up your presence… which could be stoning protests too… the mean disciplinary love.

It hooks up to your veins, and sucks the love out of you, like a vampire.

I have feelings, and when they’re ignored, I get fiery mad, in hopes that you bend with love… the forger’s fire. Fire is one source of love, it can keep you warm, or burn you… or it can mold your character.

I like the message of this song, but the ignorance of the feelings hurt by the tone… I guess this is my personal peeve, cause it sounded like a mockery of me, talking/singing from the sirens of bitches.

I have a lot of unsettled issues with my past, it was easier to leave, rather than surrender with reasoning, cause I value my integrity above all else, besides God.

If this was an acoustic version, I would have a more favorable review, but maybe not.

But “I’m lost”… so I’m not heard above the third.


What’s On
My Mind Today

I woke up today, and started thinking about God, and how I could witness/speak of God today… and came up with this.

If it perturbs you, then you think of me, and my burdensome mind, and the crosses I’m meant to carry with all the news stories pulling me in another direction with their own agenda.

It’s like computer code writing another program, if you’re a coder, then you’ve got to debug to get rid of the errors/sins.

Since, PCs, Mac, Linux(distros- Android, a whole host of OSs built on the Linux core) are modeled after the human soul. With our being as a reflection of the tech world, it makes it different/difficult to understand.

I came up with this image in my mind, and I felt the needed to write this down, and then I made the mistake to go on the Internet, to do that… where I had to be distracted in my mind with email, FB, and new stories… by the time I got here, where I could write my thoughts… I had a hard time remembering what I started in my mind.

The mind is like a computer screen, where what you think, you see the images… and it all follows that route, unless you rely on the OS to write your thoughts… and after the Stroke in 2004, I need to type to write and record my thoughts, cause I even have a hard time reading my handwriting.

I should’ve just went into the Open Office Writer, and not go on the internet, and be distracted by all the hype of the world… with their own agendas and reasonings.

I can deal with just a word processor, instead of all the browser tabs I have opened, so much clutter that leaks into my mind’s ram processing… the working memory of my mind, and rewriting my thoughts/memories.

You can deal with long term memories, which are the hard disks space… but RAM is the working memory of your thoughts and your new thoughts… and I had a epiphany when I woke up… on the spiritual side, cause emotions and feelings, live on that side.

The spirit is the closest to the thought processes of the minds, without it/spirit our hearts and lungs would be dead or asleep. Life is connected to the spirit world.
It’s spirit that are the mediums, to guide us or enslave us, the uneducated are living in the slave’s chains, but God’s a liberator, and tries to lead them into the light, where they can see and be free.

Darkness is the warden of the slaves, and they’re afraid of the light… the shadows is another world, and requires more study to understand… cause like the yin and the yang, it takes a lifetime to understand the meaning of the symbolism… there is a term a picture is worth a 1000 words, comes to my mind right now.

The “truth shall set you free” was a term spoken of in the New Testament, it meant, shining a flashlight on the topic that lived in darkness/shadows before, and gave you a new understanding or a new fear… fears are shackles that entrap you in the chains of fear… fear is the great manipulator.

And politicians are working with the armies of darkness, and use fear to manipulate the masses… aka the Pandemic.

There that’s the closing sentence, cause I’m getting spastic from laying in one position for too long… I need to eat.

This is the video that sparked this fire of thoughts, that burned down the the forest of thoughts and shadows… it’s a bit destructive, and evil with fires of destruction, but revealing at the same time… ridding the shadows.
It only sparked my thoughts about God, I didn’t see it all, cause my mind was on fire, and the thoughts are the trees of the forest in my mind.



What Are You Looking?

Inspiration, and it’s not on Google products… and it’s not Youtube either.
I just googled inspiration meaning and this came up.

the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something,
especially to do something creative.

This is the best I could do from all day on youtube, I finally found the following song by switching to my playlists, rather than rely on youtube’s algorithms…and stopped wasting my time.
I found a music video singing about the searching about the “Mystery” of the sea of life by Shawn McDonald.

I found some other songs I posted on FB, but I had to switch to old playlists, and NOT the youtube feeds.
They have really lame algorithms, that feed those feeds… I know they feed those feeds, from what you choose to watch.

So, I must’ve looked at pretty boring stuff, cause they showed the same videos on a loop, no matter how many times I refreshed it.

There is something about this song that inspires me to keep looking for love, but I keep getting depressed by not finding it. I make friends easily, but I want the other half type of love. I’m going to die soon, and I have a lot of love to give… of course my multiple personality disorder gets in the way with my moodiness, some of my personalities are extremely sad, and its catchy moods, the sad ones.

Anger is a little catchy too, it makes my partner angry too… the moods grow and they takeover the other party, so I guess I need someone who doesn’t mind being alone too… and leaving me to myself when I’m in a bad mood… I’ll have to work on myself, till I’m presentable again.

But I like my demons, I find they’re looking out for the best for me, unless the light(angels) speak up, and guide me to what’s right.

I’m imperfect in this life, as we all are, and I’ll be moody with the demons, but they’re not flesh like the companion I seek…
So don’t get the wrong message with the assumptions of this pouring of my heart, cause I have a lot of virtual companions, but they’re not flesh either… they’re in my imagination, they’re not real… though we have very truthful conversations.
But those conversations aren’t real either, they’re my mind talking for them with my biases… so it’s a delusional conversation.

I guess I’ll be a lonely old/decrepit bachelor for life… at least my demons will be happy, with sitting in my lonely cell with me.


Sound is the
Birth of Earth?

This is a new perspective of an old subject of the study of sound. It manipulates matter the dust on a plate into new geometric forms, depending on the frequency, and different frequencies create different patterns of geometric shapes.

So sound is the designer of small particles, and the cohesiveness of the small particles to keep that shape, is a mystery to me, cause when you change the frequencies, you manipulate the shapes.
So, I’m left with the questions of what’s happening with our minds?

And all the different frequencies that exist in the world today… this is the frequency timeline of light waves… everything is near impossible to understand, it’s a lot of burden to carry… this illustrates what I want you to understand.

It covers vibrational frequencies of light and loosely audio… everything that exists today is a vibration, of some sort, and the cohesiveness of the correlations between particles of matter is beyond my knowledge, right now… but I’m willing to learn.

He that increases knowledge also increases sorrows… so I’m still a student, and will be continually a student of life… eternally a student, that gets bad grades… there are times I get a Star, but those times come once in a lifetime, and I haven’t seen it yet, this lifetime… maybe next lifetime it will be better, or I’ll be locked up in a nightmare cell, forever to sleep in darkness.

Well, whatever it is… I’m just doing my best.

This video of sound vibrations on plate… aka Cymatics.


Here is the video that sparked this rant/rabbit hole about sound.



This is a new month, February 1st, 2023…
and I want to write a good Headline

But you don’t always succeed in your hopes, and the stress takes over, and your helpless/hopeless and in despair

But I’m still breathing and eating, but the stress comes in waves, and when the waves go over your heads, it’s weaker in the troughs… so you can float in the troughs… the spaces between waves. Rough seas aren’t pretty, and the navy seamen/seawomen can attest to that, so in the sea of healthcare, it comes in waves too…

I’ve been fighting these waves now for 65 years, and I see all of you fighting the same rough sea waves… we just have to agree on what’s causing the waves, instead of bickering with each other, which is the turbulence in the water, instead of the calmness of the water.

So many things are interconnected with each other, like social media gossips and dramas, they cause their own waves… in my opinion, it’s a force the waves are, that are used for manipulation of the masses… swimming in the seas, is freedom to go where you want to go.

I was a very good swimmer on the elementary school swim team, but that was when I was younger… now I’m old and decrepit, and hope that I’m less a fool, and a little bit wiser… it’s a hope that will be revealed as true, with a little faith in meeting God soon.

IDK when it will be, when I go to sleep and dream of a new day, that the world will be pure, and no suffering anymore. I can always hope that I’ll wake up to that, and not this hellhole of a world that exists today.

It would be a nightmare for me, it’s already a nightmare for me now on Earth.

I fear Love, but I give it freely, and there is no return for me… or people say he can take care of himself… he doesn’t need it… there is only so much grace, that I receive, eventually it will run dry.

10 years – Waking Up