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11 – Tomidjah’s Say – January


Tomidjah’s Journal

Where I talk to myself, and make sense of this corruptible world, and remove the errors from my mind, for sanity’s purposes… when I read, what I’ve written here, in my peace of mind in silence.



This is the last day
of the month

This is the way I decided to arrange the personal Journal, rather than insecure/unsecure plugins, I don’t trust, cause I’m not a codewriter, and I would write code with all sorts of holes/backdoors in the codes.

I’m left with manually designing the page, and posting what I want…youtube videos, royalty free images… so I have to deal with APIs with youtube, and they strain my documents when each page reaches a months worth of youtube videos… I know there is a way to design it, but I’m not a designer either… I’m a learn as I go type of guy.

In other words, a real person type of guy. But this is turning out to be harder than usual, with plugins that don’t conform to WordPress standards… Like Wordfence security firewall, which makes me login, but it doesn’t login, cause Siteground’s login is the only login that will work… It just came popping up again, the login screen for Wordfence… which doesn’t work, and I have to go through Siteground login tabs.

Anyway, this is what I have to deal with with Wordfence, WordPress, and Siteground hosting… 3 different companies, serving one service to you… there is a infinite number of companies, like an infinite people that populate this planet, cause it’s always growing and decreasing, like the soundwaves I work on…

I go off on tangents once in awhile… and I try to login with Inmusic site, since last Friday I already had an account with them, but I forgot my password, and I had to scroll through many open tabs… I tried to contact them, and ask for a number to call, cause they set time limits on their communications, and I was stuck in a loop that repeated over and over again… email me a new reset password.

And it expired and failed each time… I’m ready to give up, since Friday I’ve been stuck in this loop.

Just a frustration loop over time it will pass.

I already have a frustration loop with healthcare to deal with… and this song is what I have to listen to.




The Five Man Electrical Band – “Signs”

I came across this with a Youtube feed, and decided to make it known to you, I think heard it, before Tesla remade it with their version of “Signs”.

The Five Man Electrical Band – “Signs”

And the sign says “long hair freaky people need not apply”
So I put my hair under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said you look like a fine outstanding young man I think you’ll do
So I took off my hat I said “Imagine that Huh Me working for you”

Signs Signs
Everywhere there’s signs
Fucking up the scenery
Breaking my mind
Do this, don’t do that
Can’t you read the sign

And the sign says “Anybody caught trespassing will be shot on sight”
So I jumped the fence and I yelled at the house, Hey! What gives you the right
To put up a fence And keep me out Or to keep Mother Nature in
If God was here He’d tell it to your face Man You’re some kind of sinner

Signs Signs

Everywhere there’s signs
Fucking up the scenery
Breaking my mind
Do this, don’t do that
Can’t you read the sign
Oh Say now mister Can’t you read
You got to have a shirt and tie to get a seat
You can’t watch No You can’t eat You ain’t supposed to be here And the sign says “You got to have a membership card to get inside” Huh
And the sign says “Everybody welcome Come in Kneel down and pray”
But then they passed around a plate at the end of it all
And I didn’t have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own fucking sign
I said Thank you Lord for thinking about me I’m alive and doing fine
Signs Signs
Everywhere there’s signs
Fucking up the scenery
Breaking my mind
Do this, don’t do that
Can’t you read the sign
Signs Signs
Everywhere there’s signs
Fucking up the scenery
Breaking my mind
Do this, don’t do that
Can’t you read the sign


Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Les Emmerson


This has been the worst session of my life, working with WordPress… it made me work more than I had to…another hour time, trying to get rid of google’s formatting coding… I’m going to go to lyrics sites from now on… I’m not a coder, but I can figure it out, with a little time… and not going into a rage… controlling the rages… read the signs.



Lost Lyrics Found!

This one the many lyrics of lost songs, that I found today… it was in the old college papers bundle, I’m a marvel at filing, I just make bundles like a hoarder.

I Turned to Songs

Like a baby I’ve come into the world
Clean as a whistle, and in culture shock
Angels were singing on the black and white tube
The Beatles sang too, and then they broke the lock
There was Vietnam, and there was questions of rights and wrongs
They were burning their bras, and erect nipples everywhere

I was in puberty, it was intense, so I turned to songs
There was “Do your Own Thing”, and I was happy to oblige
I was in High School, It was intense, So I turned to songs

Standing Strong with The Prince of Peace
Is firm in his belief
The World conducts its business
Blinded by the golden shine
Of the trinkets that she sees
Inside the hearts of every dreamer’s  dream

The peace is in yourself, it’s as a seed, so plant it
P-P-P-Plant it in the World ~~~

There was were fast cars, loose women, loud music, drugs
Let’s not forget about the Booze, and how other’s lose
They played the vandals, and I picked up a gun
It wasn’t from paying for what you choose
I self-indulged, but I always questioned why
Was there a truth to God, then the angels sang
They took my wings, and then they cried
I went back to school, and was made a fool

Too Many Books, Too Many Looks, So I turned to Songs
Too Many Politics, Too Many Crooks, So I turned to Songs

Trusting in the Light, to reveal what is right
Hoping for a sign, to settle your mind
With Some


I thought I recordered these lyrics, but I didn’t find it in the old songs… so somewhere out there in the void… I did record it.
Just remember, I’m not a talented singer, I just sing to get it out of my heart, so it doesn’t depress me any longer… and this is the world of blues and rock… I came from an earlier generation… and I was depressed about the divinity of God, and if it’s a lie constructed by the fools, to tame the beasts in us all.

That proved to be a lie, not to tame us, but to make us humble… I still haven’t figured it out yet, there is so much more to learn before I die.



MPC Should Stand
Migraine Production Center

Today they delivered the Akai MPC Key 61 and it turned out to be a migraine production center, instead of a Music Production Center( which it changed from a MIDI Production Center).

I tried to make an account with them, but my no script security software, or it may be the no script software that is the culprit, but I have a headache right now.

They said I have an account with them already, and I changed the password, which expired, and I had to change the password again… this is HELL unleashed on me being on bedrest, and the MPC Key 61 is on the table across from the bed.

I just turned 65 years old this year, and I’ve been on bedrest for 3 years now…and the reason for my bedrest is this decubuti, I developed 3 years ago, I think this is from the Denver VA hospital where I lived for 6 months, and it was draining fungal fluid, and it closed still draining fungal issuance, I think it was from those bandages you leave on all the time, instead of ABD gauze pads which I had to tape over it, to get air which kills the fungi.
That’s one cheek which developed another butthole crack… so instead of one butthole, now I have 2… which the wound nurse would fade in about a year… she was SO WRONG.

Now back to my Migraine with Akai MPC Key 61, and what came with it… the QuickStart Guide in English, but it doesn’t give you instructions on what to do to register it, and I already have an Akai MPK225, that’s why I forgot I already created an account with them.

I bought it second hand from Amazon Warehouse for closer to $1633, instead of the $1900 that it regularly goes for.

Then all the forgetting I joined the Akai website before to register the MPK 225, and the time limits on Akai software and the accounts… it gave me a migraine… which is why I’m writing this entry into the Tomidjah’s Journal.

Hopefully, it will pass, and the pain in the head will go away, and I will not be in pain anymore… I’d much rather pass away, and RIP from this cruel world…cruel, but beautiful Scenery.

Which gives me eternal joy… the physical beauty of this world/planet… but human nature makes it ugly.

Well, I’ll try again in the morning to login and see my account, when I digest the nutrients that I ate, and not have the migraine that I got from Akai…

They started my Music Career with their first 12 track recorder in 1984… it brings back memories for me, I bought in Albany, NY at a music store, that I forgot the name of … I brings back forgotten memories, partially remembered, like a memory cloth with holes covered with Patches… which is why I liked this song from the 60’s on AM radio… some memories are filled with patches, and brought this memory of falling asleep listening to AM radio with a mono earbud, and hearing this song.

Clarence Carter – Patches



My Mind for The Day


I‘m just documenting my bedrest time, and giving you a glimpse of everyday of my life and my mind, with a 4 hour break in getting up out of bed… which makes my bedsore worse.

I figure once the cat dies, then I’ll look into serious care for the bedsore… she’s 21 this winter, sometime in February or March is her birthday… I got her from the Vet.

This ain’t Raini, but it’s the best I can do…
it looks like her anyway.


Trees(My first name for the band, before I changed it to Rain) – Keep on Moving

I went looking through my Old Music files from 1984, and came up with this from my last year in college, with someone from Australia, I can’t remember his name, but he was an exchange student and could play a mean lead guitar, and he attended Roanoke College in Salem,VA…. It sucks that I can’t remember his name… but I remembered his continent.

And He could Jam to his heart’s content, it was my last year in college, and I built the studio in NY where I spent the next 12 years of my life, before moving again to return to Sitka, Alaska in 1996, the home of my first year of college… I always felt at home there.

It was very expensive to buy a city lot, which was 1/4 acre up to 1 acre for $200,000 up to $1 million, so I was forced to move to Montana in 1999, that was 24 years ago… and bought 5 acres for $38,000, or I should 4.9 acres, it has something to do with taxes.

I had to build this house with wide enough hallways, where I could turn around while going down the hallway, but I always forgot something, it was nice to turn around in the middle of the hallway.
The reason I built the house, is for that reason, while looking at the houses, every house had small hallways… and I couldn’t turn around.

I had to back up down very thin hallways, before this house was built.

Well, that’s enough narcissism for today… I’m sick of seeking attention for myself… myselves, I have a brain disorder, I have multiple personalities … all with moods of displeasure and rages… but that’s why I’m alone.

Awwwee, lets feel sorry for Rich… fuck off one my sad pathetic personalities… it’ll change before this sentence ends.

Alright, let’s see where to end… shit, I don’t care anymore… so I’ll leave it at that… it’s 5am… and I need sleep.



Quantum… proceeds everything
But what does Quantum Mean?

Quantum mechanics, quantum theory, quantum computers, and whole host of other names, it will marvel you, and find how unsure we are about Quantum.

Quantization was always musical timing to a beat with me, I don’t write music, but the technical side of music I understand, it’s making it follow the beat… since all modern music follows the beat… and creates grooves and satisfaction to the listener.

But then quantum came on the scene which screwed it up the understanding of it… the only way I can explain it is the Tasmanian Devil a twister destroying all understanding of it.

It goes wildly with their own delusions and illusions of the facts, that they gather, and make their own conclusions which may be true or just a blatant delusional lies.
Which is the history of science, the new religion, but it’s enlightening with the old school scientists, that studied all their lives to enlighten with the truth.

But there are lies to be disproven first, and then it becomes normal to be accepted as true…
There is always Quantum Theory that sees it as, Microscopically, here or there at the same time… which just confuses me, it has a lot of missing links, like the Looney Toon Taz destroying everything in its path of understanding.

Microscopically or on the electron level, is a new universe only on the particle level, electrons of atoms are on the particle level… from what I understand of the particle level. It would take a whole wall full of books, some would say several libraries full of books on the quantum subject.

So I’m piecing what I understand of it, from this giant jigsaw puzzle of the Quantum meaning… it’s not finished yet, so it’s always changing, and new pieces have to be invented to understand the new meaning.

The world of Earth is a mess that needs to be to understood with the truth at top, so that they’re not deceived by the marketeers/thieves… well not all the marketeers, just the unethical morally are thieves… the others are locked into their little cages, and need to be freed.

I’m just babbling here… so



What to write Today?

I went and looked on Youtube for what to write about, and then I saw this by Neville Goddard on assumptions, and he’s so balanced on assumptions like a stubborn delusional trying to sell you something.

He’s imposing his views on my mind, as I’m imposing my views on your mind… but everyone is different like geometric shapes, you can’t push a square into a round hole, or some multi-sided shape into a round hole either. You can present it, and I can make up my own mind… it imposes chains, instead of freedoms to choose from.

I agree with half of it, but the other half is more like dictation, and doesn’t allow for you to think for yourself.

He tries to communicate with a physical world, with the insights of a spiritual world in the imagination, and it’s like my geometric shapes analogy. We are all different, and our experiences determine our shapes, and the complexities of our shapes don’t fit in the hole of Neville Goddard.

Our imaginations design our worktable’s designs… it’s a powerful tool, but what lives on the spiritual side, doesn’t fit on the physical side, unless you are willing to change… not dictate, but giving the freedom to choose that, if you want it.
Otherwise you’re a tyrant imposing your views on others.

So live in the spiritual world, and make your plans and get your insights, but don’t dictate, no matter what you saw in that insight, you may seem crazy to others, but your insight is in your mind, and it needs to be presented another way. So that the ones your trying to communicate to can understand, and has the choice to choose, if they find it credible.

Just present it as multiple choice question with multiple answers, and all of them are right… you can imagine that scenario.
I think you came up with that, or something like that in your Feeling is the Secret” mini book…
I can’t remember what floats by me in this river of life, but I have a flashback of something like that… it might not be what you meant, but to me I perceive it from another perspective, and it shows a different form.

We all have different perspectives than yours, and you’re lucky to present it in you perspective, and someone will understand what you’re trying to communicate your views with… it’s not in dictating your views, but only the sharing of your views.

And leave them with the choice to accept the gift, or not… they should have the freedom of choice to choose, or not… just don’t be tyrant in your presentation.

Your dictatorial tone is excruciating to the trained ears… I tell myself that everyday… but do I listen… well I’ve been dictatorial in my views of your interpretations/insights… so don’t mind me.



Neville Goddard is/was
an insightful individual

This book by Neville Goddard holds correlations with the Holy Bible, which was designed in the canonization of the holy book. Where they edited out the all the other writings, that were written. 

The holy bible is the first step in thinking of the long staircase towards the ascension of consciousness, which is a mysterious connection to the soul… which you have been given at birth, it’s you… imagine it, it’s the truth.

There is one way to find yourself… so if you want to find yourself, then look inside…cause all that you seek is inside, not the greed of delusions, but honesty of the truths inside… nurture it, and grow the fruits that you’re given.

This is the book written by Neville Goddard called Feeling is the Secret”.

Since, I just started my studies on feelings, it’s the new language, in a long endless list of languages, that face the human race.
It always marveled me, when someone spoke another language, that I didn’t understand, the spirit of God calmed/protected me from the fear factor, that they were talking about me.
God knows what they’re saying, and God would comfort me in my ignorance.

The “Feeling is the Secret” talks of being a puppet at the end, going to sleep with solved problems, never unsolved problems, or you wake up with unsolved problems, which is what I need… a restless soul, with understandings, as gems that adorn me… a true narcissistic view, but the narcissism sheds like skin, when necessary for growth.
The serpent grows from the shedding of its skin, it’s necessary to rid ourselves from the skins of narcissism, eventually, but what’s before us then, is a mystery to me.

The correlations between the Old Testament book of Solomon, where Solomon was talking of God as a woman… in the Songs of Solomon, and the negativeness of, and positive side of Ecclesiastes(audio book) another book by Solomon.

The bible has many early mysteries of mankind, and humans revealed in that the marriage of the subconscious and the consciousness, is the keys to heavenly kingdoms on Earth…
What comes after that? I don’t know.

It could be Hell or be Heaven… it depends on the doors we open, and nurture with our gardening skills, which is why I’m not married, cause everything I grow, quickly dies… there is an endless requirements of watering, some arid, and some likes to be flooded…there are some fertilizers, that will stunt their growth, and kill them all.
That was always someone else’s job, I’ve learned to appreciate it more now… and feed them too, what they need.

I’ve always been the lazy gardener, but now I’m appreciative of the plants that God gave me, mainly the Soul of life itself… to breathe… cause breath is like water for plants, they sustain plant life, and breathing sustains fleshly life… but there is so much more, that I don’t understand about life… especially the spiritual side… but that’s in the future of my life.

It’s a long road of learning, with little vacations, along the way… just “Don’t Give Up”!



World Party – Words


This is a music video by World Party about words, and it’s a different perspective on it, though a very common perspective too… WORDS makes the world go round.

Words have meanings, that are masked with feelings behind them, when they should be on their faces… and upfront.

But they’ve hidden agendas, and the feelings are hidden behind the masks. I’m just making noise here, but my words are hiding the meanings… it’s just rubbish to someone who is not listening, but there are hidden meanings… masked by my feelings.

What do I feel?
Love is one answer, but is it true?
My answer is yes, but I could be lying with falsehoods… am I lying?

With a world who gets rich by lying with marketing practices, that deceive the people to get them to buy whatever they’re selling. After you’ve seen a 1000+ commercials playing before your eyes, trying to sell you something, it’s a wonder that you can think at all.

I can critically think, that is all I’m left with… lying in bed with a ball and chain on my ankles, and thinking about the future of the world, and all the darkness and the brightness of the image of the world, and try to come up with a balanced contrast, between the darkness and the brightness… it’s work to say the least.

Overexposure hides the darkness, where the details are hidden, and too much darkness hides the details too… there needs to be a well balanced contrast between the darkness and light, to see all the details.

Words are just masks, that hide the reality behind them… it’s just noise to others, but gems to others that listen.

The truth is hard to bear, and must be presented, so that the other person has to look with deep listening, to get the crumbs of truth that you leave behind.

Have fun with the crumbs.


Time Travel is
Paradoxical Moments

I was starting this book of Time travel of an ancient man, before history was written, and he witnessed aliens landing and taking him to modern times, where he didn’t understand the languages that were spoken, and he didn’t understand the vehicles they drove, or the airplanes that they flew… he was just dropped off by aliens.

He was in total shock… and he had weird people around him… he was just an hour ago in ancient times.

There is a backstory going on with the aliens, and their political backstory, it has to do with their politically minded govt, and how different it is from ours… they don’t lie to get what they want, and there’s bigger picture of a whole universe in their consciousness, that they have to deal with.

He goes back in time to speak to himself, as a wise old man in a cave, the way the story started … the  opening of the story, but you didn’t know it at the time.

I think I named him Demarkus.

My friend from NYC said she found it upstate in her home, the original handwritten story… in a notebook, I originally started the story with… so it’ll bring back memories… so I’ll travel back in time when I get it.

And dream towards the future… and see if I’m a winner… but like my past I’ll be a loser, cause I don’t have to change, by signing something to protect their careers… oh that’s my personal confessions to the medical healthcare… I don’t need to sign my life away, I did that first when I joined the USAF.

I’m getting wordy and unfair… with a little fiery accents… it’s getting too spicy.



Milton Friedman is a PHD,
He’d make a great MD or DO

Milton Friedman PHD, is an economist dealing with the mastery of finances, and the connections we all have, with the pricing we have now with inflationary situations… but this video is talking about drug legalization, and bankrupting the prison economy…. which became a big business in the 80’s when they privatized it… drug wars were now profitable, and incarcerations ran amok.

This is the Video of Milton Friedman giving his views of legalizing drugs.

With the prison system out of control, with incarcerations running amok, it goes against the grain for a smooth surface, for a carpenter… or a jailer’s profits… the War on Drugs, is a wasted war, with no end in sight.

Legalization is beginning to take focus for me, much enlightenment is given credit to Portugal with their legalizing all drugs, and their incarcerations went down drastically.

Incarcerations are a mistake of big business, and promulgates more evil on the public, instead of protecting them from it… and it’s jails innocent people in the process… it makes them criminals, when they had an innocent possession of it.

It frames them from doing nothing, but harm to themselves, then making them guilty for just possessing it, and making profit for the wardens/prisons with incarcerations… is anyone alive in this situation, with prejudices running amok. 

I rest my case.


Matchbox20 – Bed of Lies

Sometimes I feel like I’m laying in a bed of lies, to serve a sentence for all my mistakes, but I’ve been framed by your prejudices, it wasn’t that bad of a thing, after all … it was like swatting a fly, cause they bugged me… so I swatted yous too… cause you’re too blind to see, but I’m not, and you don’t see the stop sign, and get run over by an 18 wheeler.

It’s horrible, cause you couldn’t hear me, and there was blood all over the road of lives… and I had to clean it up.

I would not sleep in this bed of lies, “I’m marking it down to learning” for all the mistakes I made, and feel the aftermath of those mistakes.

“God Help Me, I Need This”

I plea for help from you in the form of grace, cause I’m going down for the last time… emotionally it might be different feelings, but I need graceful and loving feelings, instead of bitter and hateful feelings… it makes me kill my immune systems all over again.

I guess I can always float, but I don’t know how to float, I’m always sinking, no matter how much I try to relax, I’m always sinking over time.

It might be the weight of all my worries over yous, that’s bringing me down… so I’d rather not curse you, and float till eternity passes over, and if I drown, then I put it to “I love you”, and let it be done and gone.

There is always tomorrow, and it’s a new day to be sorry for all my mistakes.



Just Pouring
My Heart Out

Well, I feel a need just to pour my heart out, and say what’s on my heart and mind… the mind feeds the heart with water, or is it the other way a round… IDK… but there is a piping system between the two… it seems to go both ways.

I like to be in perfect balance between the two, it makes me feel at peace, in harmony with the world.

But sometimes I feel like this, and sometimes it’s just the opposite my heart is heavier, than my mind, or it’s just the opposite my mind is heavier, than my heart.

It’s a weirder world when you worry about it, and you’re no closer to understanding the truth.

Confusion is the burden of the mind, and it tries to figure out the problem in your heart, and sometimes it’s the other way around… the heart’s broken and the mind is the comforter… so it’s setup, that there is a cooling system that runs both ways.


Free to think for myself, and find the God, that is real to me, even if it’s hard for me to accept their words… it’s my wall, that I face… and saying since there is no door, and you are not allowed.

It sucks, that I don’t have the choice, to choose what you see, and I’m left with, what to do with what I have to give.

It makes you pause to think about our lives, and our choices. Sometimes are hard, and difficult to mesmerize about, the ethics and feelings, involved in your decisions about others… it makes you think, which you don’t want to do, cause it’s work, and you have critically think about it.

Sometimes it’s depressing, pouring your heart out, it’s only one way… and nothing refreshes your heart, since it’s a one way piping system… and there are no way to receive your feedback, unless you open a troll feed lines to this personal journal… but it will only distract me from pouring my heart out.

Like all comments do, though some post what you feel is missing from their post, like lyrics for songs… but you’re too lazy to open a new tab in your browser, and go to a lyric sites to find the lyrics of the song.

Well, I’m done pouring my heart out, I’m sucking the shit on the bottom of my heart out… and I have no more to pour.


Matt Maeson – Cut Deep

Sometimes you feel this way, and you want to go on with your life, and breathe anyway… I like this type of music, and sometimes I feel this way… it’s normal to me.

Sometimes you just wanna bang your head against the wall of reason and rationality… and let loose your feelings, of course you don’t know what they are, that make you feel this way.

“Talk My Shit, till the day I die”… It’s like taking a constipated shit session, the food that you eat, constipates you, making it hard to shit… truth offends sometimes, but when you are forced to relieve yourself, you just have to shit on others, as you would want them to do to you.
It’s kind of a sick love, but sometimes you need to roll in shit for those you love.

“They won’t muzzle the mouth that just bit ya”… so why should I try to control my mouth, and not offend you, but consoling is the way towards salvation sometimes, and sweet treats other times… I’m not in sweet mood.

Sometimes you just have to let it out, and bleed till you die… and wake up a new creature, but you didn’t die… only a long sleep.

Sometimes, you need a long sleep… to make sense of this world… it doesn’t feel good.
I just keep moving til I’m numb” and feel the truth of the world, but you don’t want to see it… it’s shit, you just have to put up with, to reach the next day.

Remember you have to smell the next person to breathe with love, and console their feelings, if need be, cause no one who breathes is numb, and feels pain, but pride is like an armor that makes them numb, but subconsciously they are effected… it’s a fact.

The shadows are around, it’s inevitable… we all have a dark side, and learning about the dark negatives, is a way to fully understand yourselves.

And free yourselves from pain… and face the truth… it’s annoying like a fly, it keeps buzzing around your head, but tolerance with the flies, they don’t last long as you, and they eventually die… a natural and loving death, and you’re free from their buzzing around your head.

But you didn’t have to swat them to speed up their death… I learned that this year at the beginning of the Winter, I just had to cover up the cat litter, so they couldn’t reproduce, or close up the garbage cans too.

Well, that’s my SHIT… you like that shit?

Not meant to offend your senses, but love is sometimes hard and cruel, and has a odor… you need to look at all aspects of it, cause everyone needs to sit on the toilet, and shit to expel waste out of the body, and flush to forget it… and go on with your life.

Keep moving on.


Ren is in Trouble,
And Pleads for Help

This was just before the debut of “Hi REN” and the lyric version, which I enjoyed more, it sounds like the conversations in my mind.

I find the medical industry is a big farce, they complicate it more, than you can survive it… you just need a different perspective…

I have the same problem with fighting the demons in my mind too, and when I make friends with them, cause they are a part of the whole existence between you and God… Carl Jung is dead, but he’s a psychiatrist you should read at least.

Here’s a video of Carl Jung’s dealing with the shadows… personal and societal. 

I‘m 65 this year, and I went back to self medicating myself in Montana, Marijuana was made legal to grow  last year for recreational use.

I found Carl Jung was my connection to my personal shadows, I don’t agree with him a 100%, but 80%-90% has helped me to live in peace, with the demons and angels… trying to communicate with me.

This perspective is an insight to your problems, I assume… but sometimes you need to assume, instead of making an ASS out of U and ME, it’s the first step into any journey… it’s the first step towards healing by Faith, instead of despair.

The medical industry has gotten fat with their egos, and pride has taken over their minds… especially with the pandemic… it stopped my rages, and I found out that I didn’t have to kill flies, they eventually die naturally in about 3 weeks, if they don’t have a food source to reproduce.

I hope and pray you live to be my age, and find a cure for your disease… but you have to research it on your own, by making friends with your better angels, so they can counteract your demons… Just know you have power over them in your song “HI REN”… they didn’t win, and you were victorious.

So have a glorious life, my friend Ren.

I’ve been in a Wheelchair for 45 years, and I was awakened to learning of my spiritual body, from the kindergarten of learning to read the bible… and was going crazy, cause every religion wanted me to join their religion, and I went through that already with the Catholicism.

Not to bad mouth them, but I felt I needed more, a clear concise view, the parables were a help, but I thirsted more… so I went to college and learned about creative writing, it’s not writing some novels, but writing in itself… blogs… like this intro into myself.

We all have insurmountable odds against us, we just have to devise a way around, or over them.



Jesus Army – Thank You

This is a song I saved, and became my Thank You God song… my God is different from your idea of God, as it should be… cause God envelops everything in this world and beyond, God is as vast as the universe, and beyond.

I could write about God, and it would fill several libraries with books, covering every aspect of God, which is endless and without numbers, so it never can be counted… oh I said the forbidden word “Never”, well forgive me.

The Jesus Army is a religion based in the UK, that’s filled with scandals, as all organized religions are.
I wanted to find out about them, and from the scandals they closed their doors in 2019, from what I’ve been told.
This is scandal #2 of the Jesus Army, sexual abuse of youngsters.

It reminds me of my new born account with the church, I was raised a Catholic, so the new Christian Churches were different, and they didn’t believe in sacraments. Catholic Churches did believe in sacraments.

Anyway, to make a long story short… it was different from my 12 years of Catholicism, and revealed a lot of about Jesus, cause I wanted the life he preached about… but I wanted to learn about the Father/God instead, and it would require me to learn about Spirit, and the mystery of the Spirit of God.

It evolved to be everyone, alive and dead, our ancestors, and family enveloping all without petty judgments.
People make you mad, and it’s like a Petri Dish with bacteria or viruses, and they multiply and bump into each other, causing conflict and stealing the food that they seek.
Well, the Earth is like a Petri Dish, and the populations are the cells to be studied.

Wars are created by the conflicts between the individual cells, and the greed that lives in the populations, the groups grow in numbers, and make separate nations, and then they need a govt to be born, and organized into neat pile, through laws and regulations, without fighting continuous corruption, cause corruption follows organizations, and try to take them over.

I always treated corruption as a dirty engine with grease and gunk, cause I was a mechanic as a child, and if others saw it that way too, then we would have a way to clean up this society/engine. It might change then from my vision, that’s OK with me just as long as, its the truth.

Evolution is true, our ideas change with true facts, and our understandings follow, but beware cause lies can be masked as the truth also. Life is that way, and you can not change it… you can’t walk on water at the first attempt, that is if it happened at all, we heard of third party stories of that happening, but I questioned it happening, like the doubting Thomas that I am.

I put this song as a continuous loop, where it repeats over and over… it’s relaxing though what I learned of the Jesus Army is fired up my belief system… like a refinement fire, making my belief system, stronger than before than the refinement fire… it’s like steel, it makes the steel stronger than before, so it does to the belief systems also.

God is great, and my understanding of God is even stronger now, from this refinement fire… organized religions are mere schools, that you can educate the populations of God, it’s just that you need to worship God on your own, and not in churches, it’s where you meet for fellowship with fellow believers… but it made Jesus mad, when it became a money changers scams and rip offs, and Jesus even lost his temper and surrendered to anger and went into a rage, and started destroying property and turning over tables.

Thank You God… for shining your light on this society, and the populations and all their shadows/imperfections/sins.



Third Eye Blind – How’s It Going To Be

It’s a lyric video, so it makes you think about life and your heart’s feelings… just another lamenting song, about your sufferings and pains.

The Third Eye Blind is an interesting band name, it’s consciousness’ eye, it makes you think you’re blind… which we all are.
One day, it will be different!

“I don’t Care” How’s it going to be… I’m looking to get out of here, and make sense of it all without the Third Eye Blinded by pride, and the rest of the sins, to cloud my visions of the third eye… of consciousness.

Cause that’s where the world changes for the better or worse, hopefully better, than worse.

I want a clear vision of the third eye of consciousness, and make plans and set goals of my life, but I know that is not possible in the dark, I need to see what’s around me to make plans, and see what course I should choose.

We all feel that way, should be our course for the future of our lives.

I choose to listen to this, so you don’t have to, and bring up the Third Eye Blind’s song, and “how’s it going to be”…  but “I don’t care”, so you can make a decision and care, and feel like a human should.



Click on the CC Button for Lyrics

I was only listening to this song, cause I had a very hectic day in my mind, and this was comforting… with few minor hiccups.

“All we’re gonna do is live and play, no one opposing our way”

I’m guessing here, that she didn’t read the Lord of the Flies, since this is the world today… politically even  more.

The world is so detrimental to the individuals seeking freedom, and calm solace from tyranny and hypocrisy… in otherwords the storms of today…

It might be different from the middle east, I never was there, I drove to Italy from Switzerland in the 80’s, but no further south… but maybe I was wrong, I saw no difference from the people, but the cultures,languages, religions, nationalities, etc. … I chose to be educated by the book and reading, instead of learning it first hand.

And the “Home and Dry” line is the other hiccup, if you flying through a rainstorm, it’s hard to be dry… I guess you could dry yourself off, when you get home.

I’ve been wet before, by the storms I had to go through in my mind… and the flying sped up the journey, but sometimes you have to fly in bad weather, and you can’t fly and hold an umbrella to keep you dry… or you couldn’t fly with wings.

Ask Beelzebub about flying and landing dry… oh no, I said a booboo joke… he was the Lord of the Flies.

I’m sorry Emily, you didn’t deserve this… but I liked the original songs, copies are good too… but I favor the originals.

It’s hard to be a songwriter when you meet rejections at every turn, and feel sorry for yourself, and lamenting of all your failures, while trying to smile, and go on, and live the best you could.

It’s hard to be dry when tears fill your eyes… from what I see… that’s the last hiccup
“be thankful you’re able to see”

It depends on what you see, and are ignorant of.
When you see sadness all the time… some people like living in ignorance, like the Good Brahmin Story.

The ignorant are just as valuable, as us ignorant fools, along with knowledgeable troublemakers, as well as the knowledgeable rationals… they all make up this sick world, and breathe this life.



This was copied from Jung’s Wikipedia page:
“Jung described the animus as the unconscious masculine side of a woman,
and the anima as the unconscious feminine side of a man,
each transcending the personal psyche.”

There are two sides of the soul… thus explains all the trans shit going on in the news in recent years…
I think it needs more thought and research, to have a say about it.

So even the soul language needs a feminine and male connotations.

Just speak in the English language, you don’t have to address the feminine and male side altogether.

I can’t wait till telepathy is second nature to us, you don’t have to talk words.

We address both sides in our addressing ideas, cultures, and languages… you don’t have to clutter your ram with conjugating verbs.

It leaves room for misunderstanding, and confusion if there is no feedback between the two… or separate physical parties, in otherwords who you are trying to communicate with.

It’s a rabbit hole of the unknown, and it goes deeper and deeper into the Unknown… until you find water that is bad to drink, or water to test to see if it’s good for you to drink.

The Unknown is a tyrant as a master, or a humble servant… it depends on your arrogance and attitude.

I’ll leave you, with that seed/thought to ponder, and see what grows out of it.
I’m trying to learn more about the soul, so it’s slow going, I like to go slow in my old age… I can’t be as quick minded as when I was in my 20’s.



I Just Learned
About Jung’s (Anima)

The “Anima” is defined by Jung as the inner self, in sort of a fantasy like minded existence…

” the inner self (not the external persona) that is in touch with the unconscious “
According to the WebWord app

It is another word for soul, by Aristotle and his ponderings.

Then there is Animism, it’s defined as part of God, the breath of life… which makes sense to me, cause it’s in the story of creation with God, in the first chapter of Genesis, where God was described as a collective group of beings… before He turned into an angry God and blamed us for his anger.

Not that I believed that, but I was dumbfounded, and didn’t know what I believed… but I thought he was a cruel God in the Old Testament.

I need to read through these new things, I’m guessing I will agree with them, and not believe other theories of the soul’s aspects, but it opens the doors to reach new hallways in the fantastical mind.

I always knew subconsciously that God, was cruel and merciful… the duality of life gave me that insight, and made me curious about God’s real nature… I was Dumbfounded/reborn to amazement, after I broke my back, so I didn’t understand the marvelous aspect of God…

Was he an old man in the clouds,  or the lord of hosts?
Or a collective of human groups, sent to infect/populate this planet with like minded people, in their images?
 I have a lot of questions God, and only you can answer them.

Well, I have to get up by 4pm today, and I’ll have more to read about the Anima/soul/breath… it’s a neverending study… you need many lifetimes to learn all about it… from differing perspectives about it too.

It carries the danger of narcissism too… I hope I don’t get trapped by the claws of that beast… we carry a whole new universe inside us, and it resembles the real physical universe around us… so don’t get lost in your mind and go crazy… it’s a mental nightmare.

You just have to wake up and take a break from dreaming… and think rationally before your next session with God’s kingdom and prayer/communion… or whatever you see God as … God is miracle in God’s self.



I‘ll just post no videos, and make an entry of what I thought about today… how the tech industry is planting the seeds of machine technology, so inhuman character seeds… taking the humanity away from humans, and creating a world without human feelings.

If we don’t feel, then how do we love, and feel compassion for those who need it.
It’s so subtly introduced into society, that it creeps slowly on you by surprise, and before you know it, it takes over.

I was a mechanic in my younger years, before circuit boards took over, now there are no more carburetors, it’s fuel injection systems, and circuit boards to run anti-lock brakes, and instead of skidding out of control, it is pumped fast, so it doesn’t lock up and skid.

Then I went to work on B-52 Bomber and KC-135 Tankers, they both had the same jet engine the J-57, the KC-135 was retired from service… I don’t know if it was sent to the graveyard of airplanes.

The tech industry I saw in a different light today, and the dangers of their research with AI, and plants DNA, and gene technology, which I know nothing about… but I know a little about everything, but no master of anything… a renaissance man… I dabble in the arts, but I’m not an artist per se.

I saw them as puppeteers, and makes us puppets, and the strings are their new inventions, like the iPhones or Smartphones, and a long list of new marvelous inventions to buy, and be manipulated by the ads displayed by the media… to hook up the string in hopes of newer strings in the future.

I saw them as puppeteers manipulating their puppets for the sake of their future wealth… it depressed me and I’m quitting the Starkink service, it was $99 per month when it was only the Ethernet cable then they went wireless, and screwed up the service and raised the service to $110 per month.

Why does taking away the cable port and creating only a wireless port, with a range of neighbor’s access to be nosy, or hackers to access your internet connection, and frame you for visiting sites that you never visited… but the hacker did.

So I wired my network with ethernet cables, and I turn on wireless only when I need it.

I know some puppets like wireless, I would too in a perfect world with no corruption and no crimes, but that’s in the future, or maybe not… it’s human’s nature to sin and ask forgiveness… I need to think about it more, and make my decision to forgive or not, I think God wants me to forgive…

Matt 18: 21-35
Jesus said a parable about an unforgiving servant… and the master was forgiving his debts to him, and in turn, the servant that was forgiven was seeking another who was indebted to him, and he didn’t forgive him his debts to him… and jailed him.

So, I will forgive, but grudgingly… cause my patients is wearing thin… there is no human feelings in the tech industry, only the focus on profits… cause $$$ are in their eyes, and they’re hypnotized by it.

I’ll pray for them to see what’s beautiful in the world, and not the $$$ of profits… they look at it as signs of life, they need more of it to survive… I need air to breathe to live, or kill me and put me out of my misery.

I’ll just breathe and pray for the whole world to accept the spirit of God…



Starlink is Sucky
needing to
be refreshed
with ID accountability

Every so often, Starlink goes into paranoid mode… at a $110 per month price, they mask their paranoia with the security mask, for your benefit, but it’s their control and benefit in the end.
Everyone wants to be in important and in control of the masses… the “rule the world” syndrome.

Which brings up this song by the Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams and how they want to abuse you, and be abused at the same time… “Hold Your Head Up, moving on”.

Click on the CC button for Lyrics

Try breathing, instead of being grateful, or pricing for the chance to breathe… it was given to you by divine grace, and you want to get rich off of it.
I’m longing to go home, with those thoughts, you want to own, where no one charged you for it… the ideas… but you patented it like it was your property.

Copyright of ideas and words that articulate those ideas, are nothing more than a personal scam… a delusional ownership… to motivate towards your death, and being transformed into your next cocoon.
We own nothing here, but are breathing here, for a short time.

I long for the sanity of where I came from.

I’m this close to canceling my Starlink subscription, even though your upload speeds are superior to DSL… I wonder if my youtube videos are worth the expense… cause I’m scamming you with delusions of ownership, when we all die in the end, and realize the things we thought we owned… were not real at all.

We are here to breathe only, and live with truth and love, but everyone thinks they own everything, like the board game of Monopoly, corporations play the game, and charge humongous rents to the poor, that play the game… Life is not a monopoly game or any game, but sometimes I compare it to a game… so I’m going crazy with the changing views of different cultures and religions.

So, I’m left abandoned in a shell of confusion… and like a prison cell, I’m sentenced to isolation away from the world… quarantined in isolation, so I don’t infect others with my thoughts.

So I feel censored, and hide behind the shadows I face… get me a ticket home.



A New View of An Old Post
of Previously Posted Song


Well this lyrical version of the song, has a little history attached to it, and I learned more about it… the Kings and Queens analogy in a new light.

This is singing about people who were songwriters that died, and were the kings and queens that were playing the music, I wondered why it always made me feel good.

Now, I know why.


I guess, I can feel content knowing, but my work is not done… IDK what my work is though, or when it’s finished, I’m only going by faith, hopefully before I fall away, it will all make sense to me.

It’s a great song though, no matter what I know about it or its origins… thanks Hughie Thomasson for authoring this song it, it brought me back to life more times than I needed it.



Humans 2.0 – WTF

I guess we are already ongoing, and becoming a new human in a new world. I would like to become all that we can be… the best in what we hope to achieve. I once subscribed to this individual, but after watching 20-50 videos, he always started the videos with reading a script, and ending on a script, so he is locked into the script writing as all programmers are… I don’t want to be programmed, so I unsubscribed to him.

It goes back to the Nazis, and how they programmed people by the script writing, of repetitions of saying it over and over again, until they got sick of it, and it became true… to them, but it was a lie.

I would rather become Humans infinite version, but that requires living many lifetimes.
I’m such a failure, I wonder if life is kind to failures in the future… or it prosecutes them?

So, Here is the Video of AfterSkool and Infinite Waters collaboration, and I’ll have the last say on that video you watch, below this video.

Thinking of a new version of humans, it’s inevitable that we are always changing, and becoming new creatures everyday… but we have reservations on the horses/vehicles we drive, and try to govern them by pulling on the reigns, or limiting their fuel sources with a mechanical governor, it’s the tech industry that is the culprit, or the rational nature of humans… you choose with your freedoms, or you’ve been bought and sold as slaves.

We are both spiritual and physical creatures, the spiritual lives in our hearts and minds… the language is spiritual, effects, feelings, emotions… etc. … I just started this class on emotions and feelings, so I haven’t studied effects yet.

It’s our true nature, and I want to keep it alive, with only this blog entry as my voice to keep it charged.

The Tech industry wants control, like an addict needs the drug called control, and it continues to push for control supplies.
Only Control is the food for tyrants and dictators, it’s a nice treat, but there is no nutritional value to it… and they grow weaker and fade away in the end.

Killing spirituality is not going to happen on my watch by the Tech industry, I don’t know who will replace me at my death/(fall away), but I hope that they are of the same mind and heart.

Everything is a food source or drugs that you feed upon, and nutritiousness of what you choose, leaves you like an addict, or nutritionizes you into healthy a healthy body making sound decisions.

It takes time or many lifetimes, to solve this mess of humanity, and resolve it for God’s satisfaction.

To me, God=Everyone alive and dead.
You can follow your own interpretation of the term God, freedom of religion and all that.



Gin Blossoms – Until I Fall Away


This is singing about falling away, but I question what is he “fall away” from.

Life itself? From the Moon? Seeking for God? I’m left with questions, with no answers.
I Loaded the music Video, for clues, but didn’t find anything, but correction to the lyrics, it should’ve been “Scene”, instead of “Saint”, but no closer to a clue of what he is falling away from… by clicking the CC button for the lyrics… I came up with the lyrics correction.

I’m guessing here, but when he is falling away from life, and it’s now my death song… until I die/falling-away.

I’m so deep, I’m depressed, and went too deep, that I can’t get back up to the surface, it’s depressing up there anyway… I’m better off down here, away from the light of the sun.
Shining the light of the wrongs on the surface, to the blind, that are content with their wrongs, cause of their ignorance… ignorance is blissful, I guess that is a true observation.

This is a depressing entry in the journal, and I’m trying to layout the format of this site, differing from posts and writings in this journal, and it gets confused… the borders between the 2… personal and public… it’s confusing me, and depressing me… it’s my questioning of my character… self doubt, and swimming to dark waters of the deep, so I don’t have to face it.

We all get like that, in life, but we have to return to reality to breathe again, and face our lives, no matter how bad it is… no suicidal thoughts/demons to taunt you.
You need to take your faith, and taunt them instead. “Get behind me Satan”, in the words of Jesus.

I’ll make my way slowly towards the light of the day, from these dark deep waters.

I’m being a bit esoteric in my words… you’d have to be in my mind to understand… but by morning I should’ve figured it out… how to get rid of the dark mood.

Click the CC button for Lyrics



Hi Ren

This is “Hi Ren” by REN, who is very musically talented individual, speaking to himself, about telling himself to chill, and himself confessing the chaos he creates… and they go back and forth trying to better the other’s response… but I like the ending at the close of the song

I have many demons and angels that I converse with.
It’s all drug induced voices from my old days, with experimenting with many types of drugs (LSD, Speed, PCP, Cocaine, Marijuana, etc.), I gave up the hard drugs, and now I get high once a day, for the pain relief with marijuana, some times 2-3 depends on the day, and the pain… since they made it legal for recreational use in Montana last year, now I grow my own.

So, I get where he’s coming from, I managed to give them names of the moods, that they cause, I found that it gave me more power over them… they are me… so why not overcome them, and treat them as unruly pets, and discipline them… instead of fight them.
My life is already hell, why not make them as pets, but they’re allowed to roam free, and haunt others, but me no more… I’ll protect the people I love from them, but they have that same power from Jesus, when he said “get behind me satan”.

And then he went on to do what he did… preach about the truth, and the future of humanity… and the marriage of bride and the groom.

I would like to attend that wedding, but I guess I did not receive an invitation.

Anyway, I enjoyed this display of conversation, and I had the words to read, like a story to read… it was enjoyable.