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01 Tomidjah’s Say – November


Tomidjah’s Journal

Where I talk to myself, and make sense of this corruptible world, and remove the errors from my mind, for sanity’s purposes… when I read, what I’ve written here, in my peace of mind in silence.


It’s Over

This is one Mike’s songs(RIP 2020) he came in one week, with about 5 songs sequences. I liked this, and because I was leaving for out west of the Mississippi River. I had no problem coming up with lyrics for it, I don’t know if he called the name the sequence, or I did… but since the closing of Rain Studio was coming, I might’ve.

Mike was a musical man, and he always moved by music… Since he died in 2020, it was a coincidence, that he died on the day I went into the Hospital September 6th.

Say I had to work out rhythms, and he was there, cause drummers are always full of rhythms.

This is Mike on a trip to Juneau, AK standing in front Mendenhall Glacier, when I was living in Sitka, AK.

There are no road systems in southeast Alaska, you have to take a ferry between towns.

You can drive your vehicle on the ferry, and off too… but as roads go there is up to Haines, it is the last stop, to where you can get off, and connect to the AlCan highway, and take it up to mainland Alaska.

I miss him, and I hope he didn’t disagree with me, and I didn’t cause any regrets in his life. He was an epileptic too, and he had fits many times in our working times, and said some stupid shit sometimes when he was having a mild fit, I think I witnessed 2-3 grand malls that he had.

He was sensitive to light, and it would cause a fits/seizures. Fluorescent lighting was the major cause of fits, but I didn’t know about that… at the time, until after I read about it.

Well, this has been an experience, and I’ve been under the weather the last few days, upset stomach problems, I felt like I was going to puke/vomit last night.  So, I loaded up on vitamins instead, and felt a little better, I fasted for 2 days, and I was weaker.

It sucks, that you only have 4 hours to eat and wash dishes, and laundry… while sitting in an electric powerchair. Manual chairs I was in, for over 40 years, and at least I got exercise with a manual chair, and could maneuver under things like the sinks.

Oh no, I’m whining again.

This my last day of this public journal, and now all the rest becomes part of my human character… and if you seen my house, the hoarder’s mess, it’s a wonder, how I could find anything here.

Well, I’m sick of digging wells… it digging thinking of not using the word WELL.

It’s not a preposition.

So, I need to get up and eat, without vomiting this time, cause I put the last night’s dinner into the fridge, and went on with fasting, so now it’s been 3 days… I could drink a cup of tea, and a yougart cup, but when I tried to eat the main meal… broccoli and meatballs in a casserole dish, my stomach couldn’t hold it, cause I felt the feeling of vomiting, so I put it in the fridge,

Anyway,  and it is not well… I feel I need a precursor for my last thoughts.

I got these quotes here
“Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.”


Rage Moments
Some Like the Morning

Some like the Night, it’s a world with very diverse likes and hates, but it’s their personal right, and continuously will be by God’s standards.

God gave us a free mind and a free will, and we base our decisions, between those 2 nodes. We have to break down the structure, to understand how it works. I learned that in mechanical school, you have to break down an engine, to know how it works… and what parts are connected to other parts.

It’s like a schematic drawing, labeling parts and routing between parts… I’m not an expert, or can draw the schematic drawing, but I understand it’s purpose.

It brings it into the arena of understanding for me, the way it’s laid out, so different minds have a reference to it, so everyone can understand… the universal language for the mind, and what you conceive in the mind.

Free Mind = free to use it
Free Will = conceived plans

We made up our country, with the US Constitution, and supposedly guarded our civil rights, but it took over 247 years to get where we are now.

Many diverse characters trying to live with one another. Pieces of the engine of society, that’s connected to other parts of the engines of society, cause each engine is another nation in the world.

I’m breaking it down in my mind, so I can relieve the pressure of the Media, cause it causes oppression on the soul. Trump’s labeling the media as a our enemy. I think that was because of all the scandals he was involved in, but I see his point, the media has the power to twist the news in any position, that their agenda calls for.

So, we give the media the ammo, that serves their will(Conceived Plans), like a gun to wound or kill their target… they pick their targets. So, in a world run by the MIC(Military Industrial Complex), that mentality needs to be put in check… it requires strength to fight it’s size and scope.

I’m a peaceful man, and I would rather love everyone, than be at odds with everyone. It’s my personal freedom that I cherish, and since the MIC took over, and has grown in power, since the sword was created, they changed, and grew stronger over the many centuries of time.

We need strong people, but once they grow strong, they grow more numb to the individual’s feelings. They don’t feel anymore, unless they acknowledge it.  How they would feel, if it was done to them?

It’s called a conscience, and that part of the engine is inoperable/dead, there must be a way to revive it… it’s called sensitivity, which requires an individual to reflect on where they lost, and a way to retrieve it.
I may be making this more complicated, than it is, for you to understand it like me.

Cause I like the night, and I like the day too… I want it all… I thirst life in all of its forms, but I like sleep too. A rest from the daily routines of life, a short vacation, you could say… but the vacation ends, and the new day begins.

I started this in a rage moment, cause I was sick of the hackers and the OS authors, at war with each other and their constituents their pawns, with their hierarchies like in a game of chess. The OS authors are in war with Hackers, and it’s being played on the WWW, or fought on the internet behind in the shadows, with script coding, just remember there is a war going on digitally.

It’s beyond my understanding right now, but I’m sure I’ll learn it, if the it’s my time… just remember when you want to visit a site, there are trackers, hackers, robots, and OS writers… etc. … too many to list.
And one of them is causing the error… cause I see all of them as parts of the global engine.

And errors cause me rages… and this has calmed me down reflecting on the reasons for the rages.


I Long for Spring
to Come Again

I didn’t go with the Cubase program, cause it meant learning it all over again, I’m too old to learn anything new now, I have a little time left on this planet, and I’m not going to waste it.

So, I downloaded VEGAS Pro 21 Suite, which I learned video editing on, it also included Magix Acid Music Studio(Which is a DAW too), which has the same interface I learned on, and SoundForge 17 (Open Source) was something, I tried before… but it was only one audio file at a time, then but I remember reading they were going to go to multitrack.

I miss Sonic Foundry, they always made it so intuitive in their designs of the interface.

Last night I tried Acid music studio and reacquainted myself with the interface, and came up with this scribble of rhythms with 4 tracks drums, bass, distorted guitar, and pulsing synth voices.

It was more getting reacquainted with the interface… and it all came back to me, without a problem.

But now I’m going to open up Vegas Pro 21, and activate it, and see how much they’ve changed, from I think it was version 17 last time I used it.
I want to make videos, that I want to post on the internet… there’s always stock videos that I can use, but I want to take videos too… but since the pandemic started in 2020, I’ve been living under the fear dome, in and out of the hospitals trying to heal this sore on my left cheek of my butt.

But they always made it worse, and I got 2 more sores on my hips laying in the hospital beds.

Don’t even get me going about hospitals care…  nurses and doctors… it’s like going through an amusement ride of the horror house… or the haunted house… there’s a new fear around every corner.

I‘m a firm antizionist, but not against Jewry, in anyway.

I believe in the chosen people, but not the Zionists. They are a secular organization, practicing genocide against their distant cousins. I understand the effects of the holocaust, it makes you fearful, and you want your home back.

“And no more diaspora/exile… we wanted our home back”… as if God listened to them, and was taken orders from an unruly children. That’s reason for their exile, in the first place.

I could go back in history, but I’m not a historian, and make a case for their exile, but their prideful profoundness over the last 75 years, as if they are entitled to it… and changing the names of town, as if they owned it.
I see a very mad cook making a very bad meal… and leaving all who eat it, with an upset stomach… or food poisoning.

Hamas killed 1200, and the IDF retaliated with 12,000 dead… 1000% increase from the Hamas mass murders, what wrong with that image… if to fight terrorism with more terrorism is not righteous, it’s more terrorism to process, and plant more seeds of terrorism.

When we want to end it, it’s called a ceasefire… and open the doors of dialog… a truthful and sincere dialog, to bring it to its end.

“From the river to sea”… you both came up with that… the Israelis and the Palestinians, they both want that land, but the Palestinians lived there first, and then the terrorist came from Northern and Eastern Europe, and claimed it as their own, with the UN’s blessings… and the country of Israel was born in 1948… just after the Holocaust.

I long for the Spring to come back, and make everything green again, with water from the skies making everything bud out, and melting snow from the mountains to bring nutrients to the valleys below. Spring is peaceful, and the dangers of the floods, with rising rivers from the Spring rains, and thawing out of the mountain snows are our only dangers.

Which would make God the terrorists… which God stated in Isaiah 45:7
I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things

God is demons and angels… God is darkness and light… God is everything that you see, and don’t see.

God is a mystery, and it’s in searching for God, that we understand God, and realize God is part of the whole universe, but if you knew where was, then you could usurp God from power… cause God has many enemies, but God loves them too.

God loves God’s anonymity, as all of you do on the WWW/Internet, so you can relate God’s anonymity.

Cause hackers are looking for God too, and they use mediums that aren’t physical, but spiritual, cause that where our connection to God exists. According to Jesus “God is Spirit”, we don’t know what is beyond spiritual existence… I see many levels of existence, but I could be wrong about that too… cause I’m a blind man feeling the walls for the way out of this Earth.

I’ve come close many times to buying the ticket out of this world, but God wants me alive… cause it’s not my time.

Well, this song Spring Will Come, is an analog version of a short song, that brings hope into a long cold Winter.

Everybody is playing their instruments, Mike playing drums and bass, and Lynn singing backup vocals, and me singing main vocals, and guitar, and keyboards.

It’s like a warning to me, and the whole world’s populations… we have to stop wasting our time with ignoring our wrongs, and go humbly, and not proudly into the darkness, cause the proud go with a flashlight into the darkness, but the humbly, carry the light within, and see all within the darkness, and see all in the daylight hours too.

I wonder what I meant by a cold Sunday night… I guess, I’ll find out.


One Day,
You Won’t Have Feel the Pains

One Day is one of my first songs, with creating songs with loops… and it’s about the intolerable stumbling blocks that the devil/fate/errors/mistakes puts in your paths throughout life… and One Day it will be right, and shine like new… without blemishes.

I hope that day, comes sooner than later.

Let’s speak of what’s on my mind, it’s easier for me, rather than think about it… cause it’s a lot of work for me, and I feel you didn’t understand me.

It’s my little insecurities.

Pride is your enemy, that you tolerate, but it will stab you in the back, if you trust it… don’t trust your enemies, but be merciful with love for them, and they have to return that favor.

Life is a mystery, we’ll see that all over the world, and people are led by their emotions… which is anger, passions, love, truth, deceptions… and a whole host of others, that indirectly effects your emotions, and you react to the emotions… which you can’t control.

Unless you are disciplined to silence the emotions, like a dog on a leash, and you tell it to sit, and be quiet, and stare at your enemy in silence.

I can’t keep quiet when I see wrongs, and I’m quick to judge, and string me up in a noose, by my tongue.
I have an anger management problem.

So, this is the song, I’ve chosen for today… it’s been made by copyright free samples, and arrangements in the Acid loops program. I liked it when it came out by Sonic Foundry, it seemed Sony Creative Software also liked it, and bought it, but then they sold it to Magix… a company in Germany, which I had a problem downloading it.

So I always used it in creating click tracks, which I don’t have that power now… cause it’s a full fledged DAW, made by SONY… well maybe it was a DAW before.

I included the lyrics, I couldn’t find the lyrics file, so I put in on certain sections loopings of the song.
And typed out the lyrics… I know I can be hard to hear… but I put my heart into my lyrics… it’s my blues release from the weight of this world.


Update on Curing the Walls
for the
Foundation of The Extension

Raped virtually by hackers or Windows 11, makes me short of temper, cause I don’t know who it is right now, cause I think its a little of both sides.

People write scripts, and make a program/app from it, that’s why they’re called “script kiddies”, they are the new recruits into the digital army… they are a spiteful bunch.
And then they get promoted to code writers, and build their own scripts… and need to understand what they are building with their code, and it needs a trimming of bugs(Errors in the Code).

MS is a pro at it… they designed the C programming language… I’m beginning to think that C stands for cunt… cause the coding sucks dick… most of the time.

But I’m not a code writer, so I’m judging, which is against my faith… I’m only witnessing it… it’s like staring at monkeys in a zoo, and wondering if they’re conscious, or not… but watching them makes you want to judge them.

Well, that was an unexpected tangent, with the hackers and Windows 11…
I feel better now that off my chest.

Anyway, these are the updates on building the extension of the kitchen, the curing of the concrete in the forms, takes days for the curing.

They poured it Wednesday, and then Thanksgiving happened, it was curing, which is slower than the summer temps. It’s dropping below freezing, all the weekdays ahead in the forecast… it’s dropping in the teens at night, and during the day it’s 26 F° now at 2pm, it’s not going to go above freezing today.

Which makes concrete curing slower…
Winter is here… but there is no snow, except on the mountain tops… but it’s been cold for about a week now… maybe 2 weeks… the days seem like time stopped like a Twilight Zone episode, and I’m on bedrest with bad eyesight.

So, the lonely time is as heavy as a cross, to carry to my death… play me the smallest violin with your index finger and thumb… I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

Click on it to see the original size

Click on it to see the original size

Click on it to see the original size

Click on it to see the original size

Well, I’ve had time to think about my narcissism, of course when I wrote this song, I was in an ego pool swirling like a toilet and suck me down to the septic tank, where I’ll ferment into a vinegar like liquid, and drown not knowing the truth of my existence.

But I survived the flush of the ego toilet, and went on with my life… cause I never give up… according to the spirit’s counseling my mind, inside my mind… it’s the prayer, that Jesus talked about. Inside of ourselves, the spirit of God lives, of course it’s your choice, whether you listen to the demons that are negative, or the angels that are positive…

Remember life is full of energy, with negative and positive terminals on a car battery,  you take advantage of and without the energy of a 12v battery, your car won’t start.

Well, the same with your vehicles in this life… you bodies, they need a recharge every once in awhile. Which is why there is the sabbath designed by God, for us to recharge for the week ahead… it could be whatever your comfortable with, but NOT WORKING is the main focus.

After I spent a year in the UK, for Freddy’s graduation from NEC Arundel, I wanted to understand the transitioning from analog recording to digital recording, in that year off from the routines of daily living, I attended a class at Kingston Polytechnic College in Surrey… it was analog classes in 1988, but now it’s digital recording classes.

This is one of the first songs I did on the Spectral Synthesis DAW.
Since the beginning of the DAWs, the digital recording DAW is Cubase 13 is the one I’m going to learn how to use, it’s up to version 13 now, they have one for cheap $100 …  the $60 Reaper no longer works for me, because of their open source coding.

I need to find a solid DAW that’s enabled with encryption, it requires more storage place, cause encryption increases the file size of the recordings… but it stops the hackers… or Windows11.

The old days when you had 640k of RAM, believe me was a lot back then, and hard drives were measured in kilobytes and megabytes…

Well,(I dig a lot of grammatical wells) this is the song

“Why So Hungry”.

We all did our parts Mike’s drums and bass, and maybe the keyboard accents, and Lynn’s backing vocals and maybe a keyboard bit as well.
I played the electric git, and sang the main vocals, and added the keyboard accents…at least I think so.

I’ve been called a Poser many times, with bad looks, but I enjoy it, and that’s what music is supposed to do, to comfort the ears and go inside of you, to calm the souls from the need of expression to the world.

I’m friends with God, and God tells me it’s alright, don’t feel the cursings of others… cause it’s how you feel, that is important, not what others think of you.

I say AMEN to that.


Modern Daze

These modern days are spinning us round and round, like a spinning top, that will eventually stop spinning and fall over.

The spinning must go on, for whatever the reason for spin is beyond my understanding… but there comes a day for the spinning to stop.

Lies are the forces of spinning momentums, and they’re on every news story of the mainstream media, cause once you are forecasting opinions on facts, you are assuming you know the whole story, but it’s nothing, but a bunch of lies and false hopes.

Spinning tops all fall down, when the lies fade in their force, the spinning top falls.

I don’t want to be depressing, but I’ve been spun with news stories on the Gaza and Ukraine wars, and all the other wars around the world, that don’t take a global focus in the mainstream media.

I’m tired of spinning like a top from editorial reporting, which raises the momentum of the spinning, with little forces(assumptive lies), and keeping the spinning going… cause we all have something to say, and no one elected them to their positions of reporting the news, which is a machine dispersing the weed seeds in their reporting.

Editorials are not facts, and only get us arguing with others in the spin of factual tornadoes, that are not facts. News is supposed to be News, not entertainment talk shows, raising the issues to paint them in their own way.

Delusions are coloring books, and I’m tired of weighted coloring books, with everyone’s agendas/colors painted outside the lines, that can be done in the comics section of the newspaper, or on youtube…
I treat all news stories, as the comics sections in these modern days.

They’re not factual anymore, they’re just a lot of shite, for entertainment purposes…
I’m just wondering who’s entertainment, who’s the audience, is it us, or the scriptwriters?

Well, this song is called Modern Daze,  was me, Eric, and Mike playing our musical talents after returning to the NY studio, after our trip from shopping in Albany… and came up with this song.

It was what I remember of it, at least… there might be others that, remember it differently.


Black Friday is The Start
Of Christmas Season

Christmas time scene

Click to see the original Image From @alex-gruber

Why it isn’t white Friday, is beyond me.

Sometimes the messes we make, get us in a frenzy, and cause more dominoes to fall in our lives, from the frenzies we create.

The time of the season of hurry and worry, and looking in your wallet, and see it getting smaller and smaller, and some friends go by without love from you.

I’m a worry wart, and this season makes me very depressed… but that’s my personal problem.

I remember it was a good time, sitting in front of the tree, and opening up presents, but money and Santa took to the stage, and all hell was let loose.

I don’t mean to be a Scrooge, but bah Humbug…
It’s unless, Santa is Jesus… in disguise… then why not say it… no need for masks, it ain’t Halloween.

It’s Christmas time, I think it should be celebrated everyday of the year, no matter the time of year… but everyday.

Well Thanksgiving was yesterday, and Christmas season is today… well everyday to me, but I forget, from all the daily shit I put up with… I guess I need a reminder… but not in control of the corporations.

Like a poster on the street or some musical piece to remind me… not like the song I have on the end of this post, it’s depressing, but it sounds Christmasy, reminding you of “whose birthday it is anyway”.

But Christmas songs were made into a commodity, instead of a loving feeling, that should propagate like a seed… not like an invasive weed by the corporations, cause they treat it as a profit making commodity, with Santa as the seed bearer and sower.

But I wonder, if every seed that Santa carries isn’t weeds…

I’m badmouthing Santa again… but I know the history of Santa, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, etc. … they’ve all been modeled after “Saint Nicholas, who is the patron saint of children”.

This song is by me making melodies of the song, and main vocals, and Mike singing backing vocals, drums, and bass… it was before I began thinking about it becoming a commodity to be sold, and the hypocritical nature of Christmas time.

It reminded me of Jesus getting angry and overturning tables in the temple… making it den of thieves… cause I saw it that way too.

It’s supposed to be a holy feeling that you meditate on, but it has been made into a den of thieves all along.


Cherish this day
and everyday

Today is Thanksgiving…
I hope it’s happy for you, just don’t watch the TV news, or youtube news, etc. … or you’ll see your happiness shot down out of the sky, and rest in peace on the Earth.

You must cherish your dreams and hopes, if you want to fly again, after this life.

Cherish  (Verb)
1. Be fond of; be attached to

So, cherish your hopes and dreams, so you become attached to them in mind and soul, and when your soul leaves this planet, you’ll see your hopes and dreams. At least that’s my hope, it might be dreaming to some, but it’s my reality.

I have the strongest of faith in my eyes and heart, and I just do my best… without giving up, even though it’s tedious and depressing… it shines at least… like the sun in the day, or the moon at night.

The shining, inspires others, to do what they do, and not give up.

I need more time to get things right in my life, so I understand God, and the collective nature of God, that God needs more time to make us perfect… even Jesus was not perfect, as he had his bouts with anger too, with overturning the tables in the temple of God, crying out that you have turned the house of God, into den of thieves.

I have a short temper too, and I wrestle with the devil in anger too… but I hope for peace with a strong will, and hopefully, I’ll see my hopes on the other side of life.

It takes time to pass to see our lessons, in educating us when we look back, and reflect, and watch our fruit forms in our branches… and not get mad at others stealing our fruit… or innocently taking our fruit.
It all depends on their perspective.

If they’re thankful and appreciative, then they’re just harvesting what they planted, but if they’re profit driven, then they’re stealing.

I hate corporations, probably cause I don’t appreciate them, cause they’re so organized… and I am Not… with a taste of jealousy, that grew and turned into a HATE weed.
Don’t hate, or it will propagate wildly.

This is the one song I will always CHERISH, it covered an incomplete picture of what happens after death, but it’s my reality.
Mike and Lynn are accompanying me with their talents, and I’m the main vocal, and rhythm guitar, and the little sax keyboard playing and accenting the changes.

It was all good, at least to my ears.


On a Rainy Day

Rainy Days has always put me in deep thinking mind mode, and I watch the news, and I go deeper into things in my mind, and ramble on with senseless noise… but there may be gems that wash up in the waves of noise.

I just ramble on with what’s on my mind, I sound like a retard making noise like a dog barking, and then I sound intelligent and use big words… to describe something.

An Arabic proverb says when “the lion shows his teeth, it doesn’t mean he’s smiling at you”, I got that gem from a college buddy… he wrote in the College Pub’s blackboard, one night when I was drunk with my regular drink of Southern Comfort on ice. I thought about it into obsession and deepness of mind, while I sipped my drink.

It brought to mind, a veiled threat, seducing me with drinks and drunkenness… while the lions smiling at me, he is thinking of taking a bite out of me…
Well go ahead, and bite me, cause we’ll all be going to the same place in the end, hopefully as friends.

Daniel was put in the lions den in the book of Daniel, and they didn’t bite him or eat him… so he must’ve had the same frame of mind… cause animals sense your feelings easily, and felt no threat… cause God was calming them down, or they just ate, and weren’t hungry… well whatever it was, it was a peaceful feeling.

“On A Rainy Day”, is something I sang from the heart and soul, and didn’t write down the lyrics, except for posting this.

I just went with the feel of the music, and picked up the mic… and I sang what was in my heart at the time, and moved to the groove of the music… I heard the song while I was arranging it… it took me about 1-2 days of arranging the song… with copyright free loops… I like saying that.

It’s my personal grudge, and I get off on saying that, it’s just music… it’s like saying, you own a word, or a feeling.
How do you copyright feelings?

The rhythms are just rhythms, they have uniqueness in their own right… but it’s a rehash of a tempo, or another copy of a beat… with breaks in between other rhythms and breaks… I’m talking about the whole song in general terms… I like living as a minstrel, if I had to pick my musical style, I would’ve to say, I’m a whats on my mind rocker with a taste of folk, and a taste classical & pop… oh and tech added with it.


Shine like the Sun

One day you shine like the sun, and with age, you hide behind the clouds of wars for control of the resources of the populations like thieves… collections takers for the mobs/corporations.

That might be too hard of an outlook of corporations, but you can see the similarities… the metaphorical comparison.

It might be a over harsh comparison, but I’m the fulcrum on the seesaw of life, as all of our minds are.

We weigh between rights and wrongs in all of our lives, and it’s going up and down with the shifting balances between right and wrong… it’s the seesaw from hell.

There never is a balance that makes God happy, permanently… it’s a constant monitoring and a just balance.

Proverbs 11:1
“A false balance is abomination to the LORD: but a just weight is his delight.”

There I go preaching again, but deaf ears is all I talk to… and then when it’s accepted as factual truth, I float away in the minds of people, as a feather in the wind… never to be seen anymore.

I scatter the weights on the scales to balance the knowledge in your minds, and it’s a hard work to keep them in balance… the conflicts and arguments in debates of the quest for truth… like King Arthur’s quest for the Holy Grail… which is the TRUTH… it turns the lock that the lies has placed on you, chaining you to the walls of this prison in your mind.

I’m done preaching, and set you free… you can go back on the wall like a good prisoner, and pray for parole on good behavior, or go out a free man, and cause no more crimes… cause there will always be chains with your name on them.

I once shined like the sun, but with age my Sun has grown dim and darker… I don’t see as good when I was younger in my 20’s, but I’ve learned a lot of knowledge, that I collected as a hoarder, cause I lack the organizational skills… it’s just piles of data in my mind’s space.

I wish I could organize it… but that’s a lot of work, and I’m getting lazier and lazier, as time goes by.

This is a song about my life, and I dreamed I was preggo and gave birth to a baby girl, and they took my baby away from me, and I was left in a hospital bed wondering where she was… I feared death to the girl, and when I feared death by the doctors and nurses that took her away from me… I’d see flashbacks of the dream, and I wanted to see the ending of the dream where she was alive and all my friends were visiting me in the hospital where I gave birth to baby girl.

There was no headline saying anything about a man giving birth to a baby girl, cause it was a nightmare for me… but I saw her head between my legs coming out of me… which was nightmare to me, and then I woke up.

This is the Late Mike drumming and adding bass to beef up the tempo of his beats, and Lynn signing backup, and me on main vocals, guitar, and keyboards.

We all get old our shines diminish into fading into darkness… cause the shine of our youth fades into old age, and we feel sorry for ourselves… cause I have nothing to show for our lives… except failures, and rotten music… but maybe my optimism is my only success… and hopefully you kept going, from witnessing my failures, but kept on going… it’s a neverending process.

I hope you like this song… it’s a true story.


without the hyphen

This is the reality of antisemitic talk, not to be confused with Judaism, cause I’m not against Jewish my faith, is the basis of the Jewish, just anti zionism.
I’m a hardcore antizionism.

Soldier, fighting for what’s right spiritually, and fleshly too. I think that, Jewish faith hasn’t changed in 2000+ years, and they don’t see the light of the words Jesus spoke of.

They are blind his anger of the Jews selling their Icons, and turning the temple of God, into a trading post… so we ARE NOT IDOL WORSHIPERS, did you even read the New Testament.

We are reading 3000- 5000 thousand years old text of God.
You know God is as vast as the universe? You know God is as big as the Universe… the Earth is a small planet in the solar system, and there are many hosts/galaxies, in that universe… that you call God.

So to me, God is a collective of many, and everyone alive is of God, and everyone who has died is of God too… not just on Earth, but on the other side of the universe too.

It gets more complicated, than on Earth, and couldn’t be revealed to yous, without crushing your minds… there so much you don’t understand about God, and it takes a planet to raise your consciousness to enlightenment, not one individual… so worshiping one person, when it’s God, you should be worshiping. 

The Jews couldn’t make up their minds about God’s name… Yahweh, Jehovah, ELOHIM, etc. and whatever they wanted to flatter God with. Allah, was what the Muslims called God, Allah Akbar… and Father and God to Christians… Jesus to the Catholics was God, there too many interpretations of the New Testament, that makes it a nightmare to list all the faiths of the Christian faith.

But Jesus said “God is Spirit”, but he didn’t elaborate what spirit was, but we had the spirit of God in ourselves, when we were born and breathed… so a part of God was in us, and that’s where we should start our search for God.

Not in the world, cause all I see in  the world is sin/errors. Making wrong decisions, and starting wars, that eventually will fade, at least I hope it does.

I have the hurt you caused Jesus, by rejecting him, and he continued to love God the Father… on the cross, I don’t know what he said in his last words… but they said, he said “Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they do.”… asking God to forgive the Jews.

The Muslims think I’m a dummy, for believing the lies that he was crucified. But I was raised in a Catholic school by Nuns and Lay teachers… so I was raised to believe Jesus was God, but I was suicidal by 19 years old, and before that too.

I’m jumping ahead of my thoughts… well, silence I should end this on… but there is a lot more to say about Christianity, whatever what Christianity you follow… here’s a link to the Bible page… it’s linked to the New King James version, but you can pick your version any of the acronyms, and you can choose your books and chapters at the top line of the site/page.

So I don’t have to write anymore… I’ll leave you with my searching mind, cause I studied it for 20 years, and still look up memories of it… cause you learn about righteousness, once you get passed all the formalities… God is not to be feared, but loved with all your heart… like Abraham did, where he talked to God as a loving friend.
I need to wake up, and be glad to have woken up.

I would like to Wake Up from this world, and get a break in Heaven.
I’ll give you 2 versions of the same song… one with vocals & lyrics, and one without vocals, and without lyrics, and let you write you own lyrics.



I need my time too

I‘ve been drowning in death, and bad news in the world’s scene/news… but I’ve been trying to do some work at my house too, with some work with surveying with the property next door, and I need to contact the Missoula shop to have my van converted with a ramp, and a turn around driver’s seat, and also if the van could be outfitted with high low raising… which BraunAbility sells.

And I need to take an eye test online, so I could renew my expired diver’s license with prescription glasses. We could renew them online, but 63 years old was the limit, and I just turned 66 years, and I have trouble focusing on the TV writing… but I need prescription glasses… I need to take an eye test online, so I can fill out a form with the the prescription data, and get my license renewed online.

Well, this is what I’m working on, the extension out the glass sliding doors, it’s going to 7ft x 9ft, with 2ft deep cabinets of storage along one wall. 

extension out through the glass doors

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hole dug for concrete footings

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concrete footings for the 4ft concrete walls

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concrete footings for the 4ft concrete wall

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This is the closing of the entry, since it’s dated for today… and “Love Survives” is a song that I wrote sometime in the early 90’s… it’s amateur scales on a keyboard… my limited musical talent on keyboard, but there are no samples in it, though indirectly synth voices are samples… with a lot of parameters to change the sound.

Anyway, I can safely assume, it was the early 90’s, cause Mike was playing drums, and Lynn was singing backup. So with my limited memory talents, with age’s wear on the brain… the vitality is going/fading.


Love Has No Desire

I wrote this song with the this title, but now that I think about it, I would rather it be “No Self Desire”… but it’s been recorded this way, but I meant it, Self Desire.

Love is a complicated subject, who knows what love is, and how to express it without carnality, and lust in the forefront, and calling it “making love”.

When love is on another dimension, or level from heaven, and it covers all our aspects of our characters… meaning our patience, and kindness with each other, and to be able to forgive, and show mercy to others too.

It’s a lot deeper, than humping someone’s leg like a horny dog.

“Desire is a wildfire” and is controlled by the stones(love), that surround the the fire.
Desire is like a flame, that needs to be controlled, or it will burn down a house, and the trees that surround it… it needs to be controlled with love, so it doesn’t spread to destroy, all that they have built.

Love is the stones, that control the fire from spreading… but desire is not love, it’s lust… you have to have love first, to deal with sexual involvement… or it’s a one night stand, a whoredom moment without pay.

Love is on a fulcrum, and a well balanced love leans, between lust and desire. Love keeps it balanced, meaning it doesn’t favor either side, desire or lust… meaning it’s separate from love, it’s only the clothes that love wears.

There is so much more about love, that I don’t know about… I feel like I’m talking out of my ass, cause it sound good to me, but I might be causing a stink in the air we breathe.

This has been a heavy weight on my mind, all day… the subject of love, cause I’ve failed in it all my life, and I don’t deserved to be judged for it, cause it seems yous don’t understand love either.

You start wars and destruction, cause you don’t understand loving ways either.

I’m being too cynical, so I better stop talking about love, or I will cause a Big Stink from one my farts.


Love in Your Life

Puzzle Pieces

Life is a Puzzle

I would like to have a chance and have some words with you.”
I started this song of with that line, it reminds me of my lost loves over the years of my life.

It wasn’t as many, as the rumors and lies going around about me… I was a gentle child, and became a monster, by the the thoughts and unfair judgments… cause the data that filled their heads, were error ridden, and exponentially multiplied those errors.

Cause errors built on errors, is shaky at best… the foundations you created are in quicksand, with gossip stilts foundations standing in quicksand, and it’s still sinking into the end in death.

I need to stay shallow and gentle, so you don’t get lost in my words… or I get lost in my words too.
Then we’ll both be lost in our thoughts, I’m already lost… and this reflection time I’m trying to find myself.
It’s like trying swim upstream, like a salmon waiting to die, and needs to give birth to a new generation of salmon.

I’m always finding myself, in another animal in the world, that doesn’t talk, and try to communicate with words… so maybe, that why I relate to the Palestinians being depressed/oppressed, Israeli’s compared them to animals on youtube videos I saw… in my views the Zionists are animals, not the Jewish faith religion, and the Palestinians too… you go back in history, they’re both the descendants of Abraham … step brothers.

I find all of life, as a reason for the glory of God… but we grow impatient with the lack of love for others, and judge them with prejudice, and stereotype them as being savage animals… in the most extreme circumstances.

Excuse my belch with the truth… I get forced to tell the truth sometimes.

This song was done by all 4 of us, Mike, Eric, Lynn, and me… it was in 1992-93, I don’t know which year… my mind is fried crispy now, with my memories.


All You Can Do

The world comes around you, and takes you apart piece by piece, and you’re left in a thousand pieces on the floor of your bathroom, and you struggle in your thoughts to get you back together… with all the pieces that are cut into a pieces of the puzzle… but the image of the puzzle, you don’t see, and it’s a mystery to you.

Such is life, it’s a mystery… that needs to be solved one step at a time… there’s hype on the news media, and trends, until the next trend takes the stage… but you have that puzzle piece, it must fit somewhere… keep it, if it isn’t an overbearing burden, it might fit something in the future.

Gems like junk will surprise you with grace… if you’re blessed with grace, or you might be a hardcase, and frown on grace, and want to see, if you can make it work on your own with faith and work.

They both have merit, one is thankful for the gift of grace,  and one’s a loner, and wants to supply his own blessings, but is thankful for the chance to live and breathe.

They both deserve blessings from God… or whoever you see God as… the God I see as my friend, God is always with me in my hermetic times of loneliness… but I talk with him like a childhood friend from Brooklyn, or somebody from the Catskills in upstate NY…

My arrogance comes out with God, when I’m angry, especially now with what’s going on in Gaza right now, and my displeasure with the Zionist regime, and we pay them 3.8 billion a years, and who know what goes on under the tables… I’m guessing alot more of our tax money funds their intelligence services, and under the table arms sales.

Zionists, must capture Hamas soon, and give them a fair trial… not like the checkpoints everyday with normal Palestinians who are seeking to visit the shore… it takes all day with checkpoints… it might’ve been an embellishment of lies and exaggerations of the reporter stories… cause I never visited Israel… it never seemed a welcome travel site.

They wanted you to bow down to their rules, and serve them like a fool… I’m not happy with being a fool, I want to be treated, like the wise man, that I aspire to.

I’m an arrogant Brooklynite, and wanted to be treated like royalty… just kidding, but it sounded like I feel right now… we all feel sorry for ourselves in our narcissistic moments, we all are narcissistic, at times in our lives, but some are lost in it… like a feather in the wind.
And don’t know it… cause when you’re narcissistic you’re flying solo on the winds of time.

Here is the song, All You Can Do. The lyrics are there too. 
I made up the music with arrangements of copyright free samples in 2002 before my stroke, and it sounded good to me, so I sang over it one time, and whatever came out of my mouth was the lyrics, and I added backing vocals in the choruses.


I Can Wait

Looking out over the World

Click on the image, it opens another tab

I can wait for the world to change, it takes patience to figure out the problems, with people seeking the power and control, over other people, on the digital battlefields online, and emotionally offline.

Hackers are my new enemies, and are my new friends too… I love them both … the hacking and stealing is a sign of not being satisfied with your lives. So you take from others, who seem satisfied with their lives.

“World keeps spinning round in the dark”, is one line in the song, and I can wait for the light of Jesus to shine on everything in the dark… with truth, love, and the positivity of hope.

We need a politically positive outlook to see the future steps to resolve of the problems, and not hide behind our pride blinders, like it hides a horse’s eyes from surprises in a parade, it also hide the wrongs that we do. Pride can see no wrongs, it’s attached to your ego like an alien parasite, and sparks in you another proud child, that will be just as blind as you, if not worse.

The Zionist mentality is occupying my mind, like they have invaded Gaza, and are looking to kill Hamas, not arrest them, and give them a fair trial, but get them off the planet by killing them.
Which is the way of the terrorists … ISIS, Daesh, IS, ISIL… etc..

Judge, Jury, and Executioner… it satisfies their hunger for vengeance… I was sort of thrilled, at when I saw them firing missiles October 7th, I didn’t see them breaking down the prison walls and going into Israel to get hostages, and killing the Israelis.

I don’t know how many were killed by the missiles in their sleep, that didn’t thrill me… but the fact that they had enough oppression, it’s like cornering a dog in the corner of a room… you that you threaten him too much …. you get bitten.

It doesn’t make it right, but I understand it… too much oppression is like cornering any animal in a corner, and it will turn on you viciously.

I dropped out of College with a Major of “International Relations/Diplomacy” in 1984, cause I wanted to feed my ego with music production… and songwriting… instead of tuition. I chose music production… which was much more expensive, than tuition costs.

I guess I should’ve followed the tuition paths… but music was always my art… I’m still trying to find myself, and find what makes me happy, and buying things, that I never use… since the stroke in 2004, I quit making music… and started listening to other’s musical arts.

I began admiring their music, and stealing their techniques, and claiming it as my own, with my thievery styles, we have been stealing music all along, since the classical period, the classics were stolen too from folk and minstrel years… but the minstrels weren’t concerned with ownership.

I guess I’m a minstrel minded… I don’t care about fame and ownership… it’s more therapeutic for me, to spend the time of creating the song, and feeling good, after listening to it… but it was an ego drain on me before with copyright pills, and ownership madness… and biting at everything that resembled Fame.

I’m glad that I didn’t get hooked by fame and wealth, cause that destroys the soul with a slow death… I’d rather be educated about life, and gain principles, instead of money… cause that’s the treasures I seek… the gems of principles.

You know how hoarders claim, they want something that’s junk to others, but no one knows what experiences they had with that junk, but it was special to them, and they wanted it… cause you don’t know what goes in their minds…
Unless you are a mind reader.

See if this song, reveals my mind… and what’s in it… see if you can figure out my sickness… or blessings.
I’m both have a mental sickness, and a spiritual blessings, at the same time… I talk to God.


The Wind Blows
Some Things Change
Some Things Don’t

With the way the world is now, with the war between Israel&Hamas…
I see war crimes on both sides, but I favor the Palestinians side, and not the Zionists side. Cause they equate with Hamas in the War like actions. Hamas hides under the hospitals, and the Zionists bombs the hospitals… one death of an innocent person, is a war crime in my mind.

I see the Arab world side going to war with Zionists, the Armageddon script has already been written… so why not finish the actions of the script.
Megiddo is up in northern Israel , it’s supposedly our last war, and people will build plowshares out of guns and bombs(Isaiah 2:4), if the script is true.

I find wars are a waste of time, but some people need trauma to engrave the law onto our hearts… I’ve been kicked to my ass with trauma, and I ain’t finished with life yet… and I’m forced to watch people killing others in wars, of the same genetic make up… like family.

But the European Jews became Zionists, and wanted a homeland of their own, and I find it, a foolish pride need. Hitler lost the war.
Why you didn’t stay where you were, is beyond my understanding right now?

When we find who is the Messiah is, I say it’s Jesus, cause I’m a Christian by birth… but maybe Jesus is not, but he said God was Spirit, which opened the heavens to a new understanding for me.

I go where the wind blows me, and I accept where I land… and be able to make my home, where I land… which is Montana right now physically, but my spirit is my home, and is ruled by me…

I know I have to communicate with the world, but not be ruled by the world… cause the world is corrupt, and corruptible forces rule the world, with the authority of governance, and make laws feeding their greedy needs.

Which is not righteous by my standards, they live by lies and untruths… I like the truth, and can rely on the truth… but not the scams of the lies, wearing masks of truth… wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I wrote a song of Where the Wind Blows, and it brought out my spiritual side from my fleshly body… saying some things change, and some things don’t. It was the main message of the song, your mind goes into the windy thoughts, and it takes you where you are needed… or not needed.

I can’t communicate with anyone else, I’ve had trouble with it for 66 years now, but in my mind I’ve been in the beginning too, so whenever the beginning of the world happened, I was there… at least in my mind.

It could be side effect of the MK Ultra project, I suspect that I was a part of with the PCP, they said it was THC… but it wasn’t THC… it was PCP, and anyone who did PCP could tell you, that, it was different experience than smoking a joint.
They probably changed the name to some doublespeak name, but it never stopped… only the name changes.

They were trying to control my mind… and Jesus holly rollers were doing a missionary visit at the malls, and I sought their minds into my mind’s space, but I didn’t believe in Jesus anymore… so while I was trying to OD on PCP and end my life, I had a visit in my mind from Jesus, and I said I didn’t believe in him anymore.

The story is shaky in my memories, but I have it written down in my early journals… right after my accident, when it was fresh in my mind… but I just watched The Other Side of the Mountain movie, she was paralyzed before I was, and I said to Jesus, that if I was crippled like her, and you made me walk again…

But I added, “NO you didn’t have to make me walk again”, cause I would see that you were real… and I would have a beacon on living my life forever… cause I was in dark place and cursing the world, and wanting to die.

Well, that’s where I had a meeting of my mind with Jesus.
I was raised in a Catholic school, with Nuns… who were the devils at times, but there were some Nuns who were nice, and the whole communion thing was a nightmare for me, cause I didn’t go to church on Sunday, and it was a mortal sin by the Catholic’s standard… when you tell a child that, and the child believes that you won’t lie to him… it’s trauma to him, my first meeting with trauma.

I went to visit my Grandparent’s in NJ, and it was a Sunday… and my Grandmother was a very religious lady, and she went to church in the morning, and by the time we arrived… my time had passed, I was going to hell… in my mind.

I just went with the wind again telling that story… and went through my memories… which are shaky to me… shaky = prefabrication … meaning they might be made up facts.
Which brings up the journal writing things… so you know the truth of what happened… cause you mind is susceptible of shakiness with hyperbole of the true facts.

But I digress into the winds directions of gust… I added lyrics to the songs… I had to listen to the songs, and write what I think I sang… the link to as at the right of the Cloud download, the Stack Of Plates is the link to the lyrics.


Peace from Both Sides

Wall of Peace

Click on the pic for the Original Size

I sought the answers for true peace, but like sun and the rain, it’s out of my hands, but is it?

With Geoengineering in the picture, it gives me more power… science and tech are the new weapons of war.

And it populates the WWW, and all the info/ammo is on display, for the people to use freely, and without merit.

It brings into the picture propaganda too, where it invades your minds with simple persuasions, and decision making potshots… mainly marketing ads.

This video by John Oliver, gives both sides of the Israel-Hamas War, he talks about both sides, and not the complete picture, but more than the propaganda in the mainstream media channels… in about 20 minutes

It gives both sides of the conflict, or a portion of what his writers found.

I guess, we both don’t have the solutions to world peace, but the desire is there, as all of us have the desire of true peace, but are met with the devil’s walls separating us from it, and locking us in the little solitary prison cells in our minds, behind the prison walls of manipulations… ads, propaganda, etc. …

We need to become aware of it, to achieve our freedoms, and be free. Palestinians and Israelis need to see each other’s sides, and create a dialogue towards peace… you can have debates and judgments, and argue to your hearts content, but with love and truth, along with forgiveness and tolerance, for the heated times in your discussions.

There will be many times, you’ll be going back to your old ways of fire and brimstones, but you’ll have to lock up your emotions to reach the point you seek… with tolerance being given control, so that the peace you seek comes into focus.

This song Go Deep, is a song by all of us, Eric, Mike, Lynn, Joshua, and me, it sings about going deep into your minds, and working out your problems, and to come up with resolve, the best you can… cause that’s what we all can do, and respecting other people’s space… and not invading their personal spaces with your views, and how you see it… blogs take another form, cause you have the choice to click off the site.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the song… we all need a break from reality sometimes.


Peace to the Wishes

Well, this is a time of Peace, but there is a perpetual war going on by Zionists, not to be confused with Judaism. Jews are alright in my book, they fill up the Old Testament of my book.

I’m a true follower of Jesus, but Jesus said a messenger would come after him, and he admonished them to listen to Him.

John 16:12-13
I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.
However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth;
for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak;
and He will tell you things to come…”

He somewhere in the heavens preparing a place for us…

John 14:1-4
“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me.
In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you.

I go to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come again and receive you to Myself;
where I am, there you may be also.
And where I go you know, and the way you know.”

I just want peace of mind, and to survive this hellhole. Which I believe, when Jesus returns, he will turn this world into heaven on Earth, and free everyone that has been trapped into their own minds. The truth shall set you free.

I believe that heartrendingly, I don’t expect you to see it, like I do … but I’d rather hear the raw truth, than sweet little lies, that the spiders tell you on the world wide web. Sugar is the food of cancer, it’s acidic in nature.

I’m just babbling like a brook right now…

I want to get back to peace, and I wrote a song in the early 90’s called Peace… and it has to do with Israel, and their chosen status, they create divisions of the populations, and judge them of being anti-semitic, of anyone who says something, that pisses them off.

So there is no dialogue, without judgment… there is no compromise, to see it my way… so “Chosen” is just a breath in the ego balloon… and it goes to your ego head.

Thanks to Mike and Lynn for this production too… I’ll see you in the future, and share the love and truth with you.


We All Change Our
“Understandings of Things”

Our understandings of things change daily, and our viewpoints change too. What we are locked into, opens up, and we are free again. Like the time in the penalty box in a hockey game, the more serious infractions, the more time you have to stay in the penalty box.
But when your time expires, you get back to your life… or game.

I had weak ankles, so I couldn’t ice skate with ease… but I had a lot of fun trying.

I was upset by Zionism, thinking God was beholden to them, and claiming the Palestinian’s land as their own.

Hamas killed 1400 Israelis(Now 1200 Israelis) with their surprise attack, which should be seen as a war crime in itself, and then 12,000 Palestinians(now 11,078 Gaza residents)  were killed in retaliation with other war crimes by the Israelis.

When does this tit for tat stop?
When does this warlike nature of humankind, when will it stop?

We need to shine the light, on the understanding of the prideful mistakes, that make you blind, or closely focused on one thing… revenge.

The random murders have to stop, and we need to see the whole battlefield, and wiping out our enemies, is not the way to peace, it only irritates them, and they become more inflamed, and seek retaliation in return.

“Love your enemies” a very famous Jew said that, and then his followers made up the Christian religion.

Learn to forgive, and heal with love, not war and retaliation.
It only causes more discontent, and reasons for murders.
Genocide, only murders them from your lives, but their spirits are still alive in their hell.

We need to forgive them, and hope they see their wrongs… cause righteousness is a heavy burden for the proud, but a light burden for the humble. The proud is full pride, which wants to control their surroundings, I learned it by living it, and I wasn’t content with anything… I had to realize, I was a control freak, and be happy with the truth.

I’m not perfect, but I did my best, and I should be happy with that… we all fall short of our aspirations, but we should do our bests… and not fall into the pit of apathy/indifference, cause that makes you bitter with the climbing out of it.

We ALL for short of our aspirations, but with encouragement, and a forgiving soul, we’ll see the fulfillment of our aspirations, and we’ll see a way around it in the future, when we meet the same stumbling blocks in our paths in the future of our lives.

I hope you got a positive hope out of this essay… but you have to listen to this song, to think about it.

This song was before the NY studio was ready, and recorded on the analog 12 track recorder.  What I started making recordings on, with a basic guitar and vocals at the same time. It sounds unpolished, and a time when the distortions come through in the choruses… I tried to compress the shit out of it, but you have to hear what it was before.


Lost Humanity Following
Falseness into the Dark

Rolled up NewspaperI guess that you don’t know it already, but I watch on the news daily… that you’re blind to it… and takes those into the darkness, everyone who follows your megaphone with constant chatter.

Humans, I mean by using the word “Man”.

We all have that spirit, inside of ourselves to change the world… we start wars to make someone rich/wealthy/prosperous, and we leave the rest of the country poorer, than when the war started.

Palestinian or Zionism, they are both lost in the darkness of the unknown, and the victor lives in the delusions of success, thinking they are winners, but they lost more humanity, making them condemned to lose over and over again.

We all have ideologies to prove, or not… and no one has proven anything, cause nothing has changed in the world… we still have conflicts/wars with each other.

And some live in the land of delusions, thinking they have won, and are successful, but they are the biggest losers of all times. Once they followed lies into the darkness, and they live in the pretend world, and they see everything, and make up in their delusional sight, everything that they could ever want.

It’d be nice, if that it was that way… but it isn’t. We have a view that God is an old man in the sky, but it’s everyone alive in the Universe, on Earth and beyond. The spirit where we return to, when we die, and leave this physical body/vehicle.
Is God, the spirit itself… and it better be run differently, than here on Earth, without corruptions forming, and murdering made legal, because of disagreements with wars, and thinking you have won by the body counts.

I’m guessing, you get what I put down with your reading of my words, but I assumed before you’ve got it, but I was wrong before… and I think I’m wrong again.

This song is my understanding of God, cause God’s a mystery, that will never be solved, but its in the search, that we will learn about God… this was what I’ve learned about God over 30 years ago, and I continued to grow to a truer understanding of God, to what I understand about God today.

It’s like a tree sprouting out of the ground, and I’m a lot taller, than that sprout that formed, and my roots below ground grows too. And as I grow older,  my trunk grows wider, and my branches grow spindlier growing towards the light… new understandings… new branches.

Eventually, I’ll bare fruit… might not be, till my next life… but I’ll be a fruit tree to nourish the minds… cause I want to give you sight

You have to eat the thoughts, given by my words/seeds. I learned that by Jesus’ words in parables… every word we speak, is a seed into the minds of the listeners. We have either good seeds, that are nutritious to the soul, or bad seeds, that produce the weeds in our lives.

This is only a song, it was before I learned this lesson… I did my best to produce Good seeds… but there might be chaff in there.
Man Where Have You Gone… it was a chore, I hope that I won’t regret.


Masks are Easy to place,
but are Hard to remove

Sometimes fears put the masks on, so easily upon your face, but reality is so Hard to see, and your nakedness comes up front with the truth… which is the opposite of the mask’s portrayal.

I wrote a piece in college on Masks, and the relationships with our character… this is my historical account with a second sight of that essay, and what I’ve learned, since that assignment in 1982 in Sitka, AK.
I have it in my documents, but it’s not in my possession at the moment… but I’ll get it, and make a link HERE.

Now, what I’ve learned about Masks since 1982, it will carry heavy burdens, that you will have to tediously carry with reading, and try to understand what I’m saying.

It’s like playing the game of telephone, where you wear the mask of ignorance, and where you learn of gossip with each whisper, the story changes through embellishments, cause you weren’t sure of the whisper, of what the person said in your ear… so you made sense of it in your mind, and whispered to the next person in the chain.

It can be what you aren’t sure of, such as like generations of humanity. They wear masks of superiority, naturally, intelligent, technological, etc. … whatever what you’re scared of not being.

Fears put the masks on you, and you must over come them, or they will subdue you… and chained in your own personal cell in the prisons of your minds. Get free, with the truth, and the reality of your life.

I wear the mask of brightness, but I cower in silence, cause I don’t talk like that… but I think like that.

You can take it, anyway you want it… I was always wearing a mask of a city slicker, when I first wore a mask when I moved to upstate of NY, and no longer was from the concrete jungle of Brooklyn, and I never saw a cow before.
The Farmer across the road from me asked me to gather his cows from the back of the property to cross the road to get milked.

I’ll take the narcissistic tangent mask off now, and get back to the subject of masks… and how I wore them.

When I take them off, I’m like a black hole. Where the mask was before, covering my deepness of a black hole, which must’ve scared people before… cause I didn’t have many friends… I was deep in my alone times with God, but I had to wear a mask in public… be someone else, or they made fun of me.

Cause I couldn’t be as deep with them, as what I was with God.

We all wear masks, of who we would aspire to be… want to be, but we fall short daily, and lose hope in our depressions and alcoholism… cause they’re both same. Alcohol is a depressive drug, and alcoholism is the root of depression…

I mean alcoholics are not always depressions, they can be therapeutic, if they can stop drinking, and have only one drink to relax after a hard day’s work… but if you can’t, then you’re a hardcore alcoholic… bordering on alcoholism.

I’ve gotten drunk many times in my life, in fact, I was drunk, when I had the accident… and many other times in my younger years, but my Dad talked about my sobriety, and he influenced me into being sober.
Addiction’s talks with my Dad, was a blessing in my later years, it was a cursing at first, but a blessing occurred over time, with constant reflections of it.

Oh no, I’m babbling again.

I want to stay on topic of the masks, and not get lost on tangents with babble talk. Babbling like a brook takes you off course, of the direction you’re going.

Masks are what you want to be… and realizing that, is a way of concreting it into your character.

Like I just got finished talking with the contractor/friend, talking about the extension room I’m building now for the kitchen, and we needed to tie the 4ft walls, with the existing 4ft crawlspace foundation with concrete.

It’s like your character has a foundation, and the framing, painting, and property of the house is only the masking built on that foundation, but that’s hidden from the public… and underground, but you need it to survive.

Well, this next paragraph is the the song “Take the Mask Away”, to close this entry into the journal, it was when I was analog, and before Lynn came into my life, so I guess that why I was solo in writing it… with Donna Brice-Eby as a secretary, and assistant.
I moved back to NY in 1985, after I dropped out of college. I remember writing it in the NY studio… but you hear the dreaded Roland drum machine… it kept the time with a click track anyway.

I hope you enjoy it.  Click on the Cloud for Downloading it to your hard disk or Smartphone.


We All Have Time
To Learn New Things

Time in HandTriteness of life, requires a new learning, otherwise it’s a boring mess with dealing with tiredness of life… the same old, same old actions to make our life, not trite, but exciting and educational.

You learn something new, and gain a new understanding of life…

You breathe out your carbon dioxide, and make a small micro contribution to global warming, according to the false profits of the world. Plants need carbon dioxide to produce oxygen, they breathe it in and exhale oxygen.

A very synced design by God, plants need us to breathe, and we need plants to breathe… and all is symbiotic in nature… each benefits from their mutual existence.

Humans and plants need each other, to breathe and eat… like the animals that eat grass, it’s a mutual symbiotic relationship, where they poop cow shit, and it’s nutritional for the grass to continue to grow.

Extremes is where the understanding is distorted, and made to deceive, for the corruption’s advantage, usually by thieves, or lazy workers who likes making jokes on people, cause they’re bored.

Don’t think about those things… live life honestly, and use the time to benefit yourselves and others… love and truth should be the way, not lies and anonymity/secrecy.

We are living here only a short time, compared to the infinity of life. We are the workings of the inside of a clock, and whether it’s many lives or one life, it will be temporary time or existence of our breathing, according to the indigenous  aboriginals of Australia.

I don’t know what happens after death, but I hope its better than this life…

I’m a cripple, and it’s hell for me, but it’s better than somewhere else in the world… I can get out, and get food, water, and anything else I need to live and breathe comfortably.

Well, love I need too… we all need love.

It’s the main supply of whatever we need… so whether it’s on the other side of the world, or here at home… we all need love to have a good life.

I wrote this song for my niece’s(Not Biological) 16th birthday, and it’s about time, and her insights at that time, and her desires too…

Hopefully they’ve changed, and she sees it as a work of love, and gains more insight from her reflections of it… or it lays in garbage heap of her thoughts… but there is a good message there, wishing for a good life for her, and a loving life too.

Maybe played an original guitar, and main vocals… but the rest is copyright free loops.


Silence is where you Pray

What’s on your mind, in your mind to God, whoever you see God as… as a thought train to the future.

God as God appearsI’m not that fussy, you can see, what God has the grace to appear to you as.
Silence is the church/temple/mosque, that you build in the silence of the mind.
My simple understanding of the mind, is your brain and the heart in sync.

I’m sure I’m wrong, cause God shows me my wrongs all of my life, God’s changing more and more each day… look at the heavens in the dark, you can see the revolutions of the night sky around the North Star, where it might look different from some other planet, which would be revolving around another star on the other side of the Milky Way galaxy… it’s all in the perspective, and your relationship to the measurements of directions.

I guess I’m just a flashlight shining on things that you need to see… and my words are the rays of light, to reveal to you what you don’t see, or refuse to see.
I’m not shining it in your eyes, and you would tell me if I did?

When cops pull you over, they like to shine their flashlights in your eyes… which can be annoying to you, but you forget how many cops got killed, cause they didn’t see a gun coming up in their face.

Fears are motivators, of doing something wrong in our lives, and finding a resolve to a problem… it’s the motivator of actions, whether it’s shining a flashlight in your eyes, or shining it on something to reveal the existence of it in the shadows.

Wars start with the fears upfront as your motivators, cheering you on in the murders, you need to kick your fears butts, before you turn on your brothers & sisters… cause they could be your future friends… instead of enemies.

You can kill your fears instead, they’re only principles and feelings… cause in Ephesians 6:12, Paul writes from jail a letter to the Ephesians in his mission… remember the ways it was 2000+ years ago, there were no motor vehicles or planes.

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood,
but against principalities, against powers,
against the rulers of the darkness of this age,
against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Wars start out as fears, with a touch paranoid talk for the taste of fear, to go down smoothly… and wash it down to your gut with a glass of blood.

It’s like a feast for devils, celebrating another conquest on humanity… cause they caused another false belief in the world. It’s more like a vampire party on TV shows.

We need to come to our senses, and is the reason I wrote this next song, I called it the Jew in The Rain… this was my beginning with God, and how my understanding of God changed overtime, and I’d like to shine on myself… with a spotlight/flashlight in my face… and hopefully you will learn from it.

RM Tomidjah – Main Vocals, Guitar, Keyboard, Drum Loops and bass samples, and sound fx


Humanity under
the Microscope

We elect leaders, based on our knowledge of those leaders. We pick winners out of those candidates, which are usually wealthy. “Money is power” is the slogan of success, but I disagree with that outlook.

Physical riches, such as wealth, it doesn’t reveal their character’s wealth… which is in their heart.

The heart’s wealth is compassion and empathy, with truth and love as their guides, but PR(Public Relations) is their guides right now, in these modern times.

With all the wars and tragedies in the world right now, they seem like gods playing chess, and manipulating the public by manipulating their minds… and moving their pieces on the chessboard/world.

PR is willing to use deceptions in their tactics, to manipulate, rather than pure truth.

A little lie, can turn into big lies, if there aren’t revealed… it’s like a little kitten, with a big ball of yarn, and with each unraveling is another little lie, until the whole ball of yarn is lying, as mess on the floor… like a bowl of spaghetti where one end is not connected to the other end, like a ball of yarn.

I got lost in the scrambles of raveling it up again… the mind is a complicated mass of yarn, with trillions of connections with other parts of the mind… which is a duality just the same, between the physical(brain) and the spiritual(heart) of the mind.

These are my personal understandings of the subject of mind, I might be totally wrong, and we get to other levels of the mind, it might take on another appearance… and the rules change… like science is complex too, and laws of physics, rules the scientific outlook, there’s different rules for space, some rules we have to learn about, hopefully before we meet them.

Anyway, we have Election Day tomorrow in the USA, and it’s mostly small time players as the candidates, the little lies comparison, I made with the big ball of yarn… we have that big ball of yarn for over 225+years being unraveled and raveled up again, and causing knots to be unraveled from the last administration.

It’s a mess like the unraveled ball of yarn from the kitten scenario… I was in part of the unraveling, when I voted, but went back to NOT voting in 2016… I gave it 8 years, cause I started voting in 2008, and I saw the lack of truth, and I needed truth to grow.

The darkness of lies, not revealing the light of the sun, was like a room of artificial lights, that had a switch, with humanity in control of it… and we all know of the corruption that is contained in humanity, and when it’s let loose, then there is greeds/weeds growing everywhere.

I’m sorry my mind is all over the place, like the unraveled scrambled ball of yarn, I used in my comparison of the voting elections tomorrow, it’s the little lies as the candidates, next year is the big one for the President… which is just another little lie… unraveling of the big ball of yarn, that contains all the nations of world, included in the big ball of yarn.

The kitten is us(the public), and the mess that we make from unraveling the big ball of yarn, from wars and greeds from the corporations that make those weapons of war… it’s a mess with the blind humanity, that we deal with.

This is a song I wrote with Mike in the early 90’s, and it’s about elections, and the sickness I saw… I was only in my early 34-35 years old, and now I’m 66 years old… and feel like I’m lying in the road, like roadkill, but I’m still breathing.


Narcissism is a disease,
if not kept in check

I feel narcissism is another phase of being self absorbed & self centered… to the detriment of your character.

You need it, to be self aware of your surroundings, but too much of self centeredness, is like walking down a hallway with reading cheaters on, it throws you off center… at least me with a power wheelchair… I’m always running into walls.

I wanted to include all the songs, for this month’s last close, but I saw it as narcissistic, and phony self promotional… like an annoying ad.
Heck I’ll do it, but not at the top of the post… I’ll include it at the end of the post.

“It’s hard to love someone like you do, but you do”… is a line in the song, I wrote at the beginning of the 90’s. It was close to my heart, before the ego distorted it, and claimed it, as a piece of property with copyright attachments, as a parasite.

Ego’s have a way of distorting it, to serve the parasite, and once you realize this, you will be free from the prison of the parasitism. The parasitical nature of egos, is opening the door to others in love, but sometimes hard love is needed.

Or it spins a web around your ego, and encases you in a cocoon for your transformation, to serve the masses… that sounds sick and demented.

Well, back to Narcissism, and see how it’s connected to your ego… and this rant will finally make sense to me and yous.

Ideologies are like prison cells, in the darkest wings of Ideological penitentiaries…
The cells, containing narcissists, and a whole hosts of other prisoners, with other ideologies. The cells are locked, and no way out for the prisoners, that are in those dark cells.

They lack understanding, which are the keys to get out, they live in fears of getting out, like Agoraphobia is the fear of going out, and leaving your home/prison cell, and a whole host of other fears.

Well, judging others in their ideological prisons is depressing me into an oppressive cell, that’s why Jesus said don’t judge others, then you will be free from judgment by God… Self.

And another anxiety to be born into your life, one that should’ve been aborted.

I’m a pro-lifer, and I’m more antiabortion, but ideological is births in your mind, and it occupies your thoughts and conclusions/decisions. It has to be conquered, and be set free from the tyranny of your thoughts, or self passiveness of living under dictatorial rule. 

So ideas, are new births of living thoughts…
That should be aborted from entering your mind, or not, but don’t go into the dark thoughts without an understanding/light, to find your way out of the new cell/birth.

Each idea, it opens the doors to other ideas in your mind, in the Wonderland of ideas.

They could be delusional ideas, that needs to be sculpted more to make sense in your mind, before making it public to other minds.

This insight came after, I had a dream of childhood friend, that was weird, cause he was visiting me with his daughter, but I was talking with him on the phone at the same time… and his wife didn’t sound like his wife in the background… it was confusing to say the least… but the ideological prisons were the after effect… the birth of new ideas, can become a prison, or a paradise… it’s what light, you illuminate it with.

It’s your choice that the rooms are dark, and full of darkness/shadows, or bright and illuminated, and you can see the scope of the entire room. It can be a dark prison cell, or it can be a bright room making you feel secure.

Well, that’s me dealing with the demons of narcissism, which are demons, and they distorts the reality of what’s real… cause you’re looking at reality, through the narcissistic lens, and it only focuses on yourself, and doesn’t take it into account of other’s feelings.

So why do you love some like you do? You just do, and let the love dictate your life… love and truth go together, hand in hand, heart in heart.

Deceptions enter the stage, and it needs to be caged, or it will cage you… or aborted/avoided, instead of caged… there is so much ideological wars going on in today’s world.
I can’t imagine it, ever ending.

We’re building prisons, or building paradises… but they’re all bureaucracies… not elected individuals, administering what goes on in those bureaucracies… prisons or paradises.



The thought of letting go of the hate in the world, makes it calm waters for life to flourish. but there is the danger of becoming static and stale.

Stagnation is dangerous where bacterias forms, and become toxic to everyone, if it isn’t set to clear up with mild stirring of the bottom of the pot. So you need a little gas for the idle of the engine… I’m sorry I have a mechanical background, from 46 years ago, so I understand life that way.

We all have many different understandings, but the diverse understandings, are interconnected with everything else… and many of the interconnections are understood with the logical understandings of your talents and backgrounds.

This is simple. but trying to communicate to you, is very complicated… it’s even confusing me… and getting me lost in this forests of logic.

I see everything as a metaphor, so if you don’t live in my mind, I speak in parables, to convey a deeper understandings of the subject in hand.

I also put a player with a repeat button “∞”  So click on the fallen “8”, to hear it again over and over.

It keeps my mind on the song, so I can write about it, and hear it over and over, in case I missed some points or principles, I wanted to make about the song.

Belief is a very important message in the song, “Just Believe” is something I say/sing from the bottom of my heart, of the being/soul.

You have to believe in what I’m saying, cause belief is where convictions live in your life, and you have to believe to follow me… not as new messiah or false prophet, but you walk the way Jesus taught you, at least my understanding of it.

You have to stop judging others, to see the lights that illuminate, and not be led by fancy strobe lights, which is distracting to your senses… like trending news stories, they repeat over and over again, and hypnotize you into a stupor, like a robot… and programs you to serve the commercial programming, that was installed in your mind, by the corrupt marketing companies.

I guess, I’m out of fuel to accompany this song over and over again…
I put it in July’s post of this Tomidjah’s Say public journal also.
In my mind it’s my strongest song, but I could never sell it to the public… it was my ego singing, for therapeutic effects… only.

And thanks for Lynn’s background singing, and Mike’s bass & drumming talents… I will be forever grateful for their talents in the production of this song.




I Fell Down

This song has a back story of me laying on the ground in the pouring rain in the dark, and needing the help of Mike in the studio to come out and look for me… cause everything I grabbed slipped out of my hand with the pouring rains slipperiness… the pouring rain and darkness of night.

I guess there is a message here, and I’ll try and figure it out… and give you a sermon from it.

I’ve been on my FB pulpit, since I woke up at 8am this morning… and it is now 2pm in the afternoon, I won’t post his till Nov 3rd, which is tomorrow… but my anti zionist, stance is still strong in me, but I’m not anti Judaism, cause my Christian faith is based on Judaism… so but Zionism is a different beast, it’s like a vicious dog chained to their egos post, and it’s growling at you, with every turn around their egos. 

The more it spins around their egos, the chain gets tighter, and it gets angrier, but they’re narcissism, and their blind too… well not all of them, but they’re too proud to apologize… as all of us are.

We have a planet with a political views, making our course in life based on lies, which is the politics. We need to gather all our aspects, spirituality, and not only physicality, which is ruled by the political realm.

I get tired of claiming the same points of my visions, over and over again… cause I don’t understand my visions, but they flash in my mind, and you don’t see them.

I may be seeing them wrong, or they may be blurry with age… cause I need to get my driver’s license renewed, and when I went to renew it online, I needed to take an eye test, and I think I need prescription glasses… I just turned 66 years old, and the limit was 63 years old to renew online.
So now I have an expired license.

And I can’t see anything, like in the dark with the pouring rain, and the slipperiness of the rains effects, I can’t get back into my wheelchair… it made me feel hopeless and helpless.

And this thoughtful rant with no direction, just alot of spinning thoughts… and hopefully the feather of hope will land on the ground in a peaceful manner, and it will make sense to us for this read.

I guess the feather has landed, and it needs a gust of wind to soar… again.

“There are many winds full of anger, and lust and greed.
They move the rubbish around, but the solid mountain
of our true nature stays where it’s always been.”

— Rumi



This is one of the first songs I did in 1984 called UH-OH, when I recorded it in Roanoke, VA. And I had a keyboard player that jammed out with a solo, at the end of it, but I don’t remember his name, except he worked in the Christiansburg, VA music store. Where I was a regular customer for the year I was there. I took a class for music at Virginia Tech, Blacksburg.

It was a time in my life, that I was thinking of quitting college, and stop wasting money on college tuition, and gathering knowledge to educate my life, cause I wanted to learn, and music recording money was expensive… it was all analog then, it became digital in the 90’s, which was astronomical ($20,000) in the beginning, like a 600 GB(3 X 200GB drives) for storage, and they had to be SCSI drives.

Now, I could get the same recording with $200 sound card, and a host of external USB drives for storage…on a laptop, and a lot of VST effects.

But I wanted to be on the cutting edge.

This is whining about all the wars the US fought, from Vietnam to being an ally with Israel, as an Apartheid State against the Palestinians. We went against South Africa, and we had our Civil Rights movement, which was similar to South Africa, but it was under a different name… but Palestinians are the Blacks, and the Zionists are the Whites elites… so there is so many correlations between Apartheid South Africa, between the Blacks and the White, and the Israelites  and the Palestinians.

Wars was always a bluesy feeling for me, when I was a senior in High School, they ended the Draft for me to join in 1974, but I enlisted anyway… cause I saw it as a way to leave this country, and get stationed in Thailand, but when I was in Boot Camp, they closed all the USAF bases there, so it was no more of me being stationed there… and all my other choices were NY bases.
I probably would’ve died there anyway.

So, I’ve been listening to UH-OH on loop for however long it took me to write this… I lost count on how long the song repeated. But you can download it, and put it in your VLC Player.

Well, that’s my story of dropping out of college, and writing this song… a journeying into the digital realm of recording, from the analog world of recording.

It was more expensive than I thought… but that’s education… so I didn’t save any money… it was more my design of a major, which I put in for, when I was in NEC campus in the UK.

Well, it’s back to youtube algorithms seeing the current news on the Middle East debacle with the Arab countries surrounding Israel… I think that Israel should see they are an Apartheid State, and make changes, and not funding for more wars against the Palestinians… it’s easier to make the Jews pay through our taxes for Israel, but I have no say through it… where my tax money goes.

I guess I have a say with my vote, but I voted for Obama, and he showed he was just a liar, as all other politicians are… so I went back to not voting… it stressed me out.

Nothing is gonna change, unless you have a voice… and my music is my voice… it’s the best, that I can do.


Mockingbird had a Red Shield

The Mockingbird Had A Red Shield, is a song I wrote about the richest family in the world, had its hands in every corruption in the world… and they had a red shield to protect them from the public view.

It was my conspiratorial mood, where everything was falling apart in the world… with fake stories in the mainstream media, manipulating the ignorant minds that follow them. Like moving around chess pieces on the individual boards of lives…

What’s the population of the world now?
8+ Billion, individual’s chess boards in the minds/lives, which are simple numbers to AI, to manipulate with their hidden wits.

The Operation Mockingbird was the CIA’s plan to insert their control of the media, to battle the Soviet Union in the Cold War days, and it spread like a weed, where the headlining Soviets were doing the same thing as the US, and all news became the manipulators… with weeds and truths.

Which brings up the question, which came first the chicken or the egg? CIA or the KGB?

So, you didn’t know what you can trust anymore. I saw it before every war, the news stations, became the cheerleaders taking sides, and manipulating with slogans and wise saying… moving the minds like chess pieces.

And the interconnections with the richest family(Rothschild) making their riches from being involved in funding the wars, they started in the manipulations of the masses.

I wrote this song as a release of the weight of the truths, I found in this corruptible world.
Not to propagate the conspiracies of what’s going on in the world now, with the wars between the Zionists/Israel and the Hamas/Palestinians, it was designed by the Rothschild’s in my narrow mind in my conspiracist mode back then.

I began to see the dangers of music and lyrics, they spread the growth of weeds and very few truths. Words/lyrics were the carriers of weed seeds, and the rock beats made it catchier to spread, on the winds of popularity.

It drove me mad into madness, and then I had the stroke… and cursed the God I loved, and fell deeper into madness… it took me 3 years in silence to recoup from the stroke, and finally answer a phone without stuttering.

I finally made peace with the God, that I saw as the source of our corruptions, and our free will is where the corruptions grows like weeds, and very few beneficial plants.

So I no longer blame God, but our free wills are our personal gardens, and it’s where our sins/mistakes/weeds grows exponentially, at times, where we have to de-weed with maintenance of our personal gardens of our lives.

I don’t want to harp on this subject, cause it’s more weeds propagating… I feel like I’m propagating weeds in your lives… life is good and evil, and we must discern from good and evil and nurture them with water and nutrients, until their time to seed… and you must kill, them to control them.

My mind is all over the place… and I get dizzy from trying to figure out it’s meaning…
Which came first the chicken or the egg?

That question has no answer… and is spinning like a miniature twister in the minds of humanity… and I would like to take a nap, and get rest, from the winds, that echo in our human minds.

Did I ever tell you what McNerney meant?
It means a “steward of church estates” another word for a simple gardener… or grounds keeper, to be more precise.