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08 Tomidjah’s Say – April


Tomidjah’s Journal

Where I talk to myself, and make sense of this corruptible world, and remove the errors from my mind, for sanity’s purposes… when I read, what I’ve written here, in my peace of mind in silence.


Tick Tock

This is the latest mix of the songs that I posted on Soundcloud, they say I have 58 tracks, and never changed for the last three song I posted… it might be… it might be 5+ songs.

I need to contact them, but that has proven to be a negative that wastes my time, ever since the internet appeared on the world. 

This is one of the last songs that was produced in the NY studio before it closed in 1996, with Mike and Eric musical accompaniment.

This song is lamenting of the passing of time, and what the future holds and hopes…

But I digress into memories, and hope you get the message of what I’m trying to express, because I don’t know anymore. I’ve been trying to communicate with the world through the internet, but hackers, false profits, throw lies, stumbling blocks, to stop me.

I know about how to get by on the internet, but don’t have a crew to accompany me with the truth… I’m going solo/loner on the internet, but spiritually I have a crew, it’s a massive as the universe itself, I can’t even attempt to give you a number… cause it’s numberless.

Spiritually I live, so why not go spiritual/ghosts… all together.

Merciful, is what I guess… you have someone to hate, instead of yourself.
It may be delusional mercy, but it’s better than pharmaceutical mercy… cause that drives you mad for a price, I give you mercy for free of charge… I’m hated anyway.

You’ve killed everyone who showed up, and gave you a message from God, and then glorified the after they died… but hated them, while they were alive.

So, you can make me famous after I’m dead, but while I was alive, you treated me with pity, and disdain… but there is a glorious future after living life of pain and hate…

I‘m just joking… my sense of humor is in bad taste… hopefully, next month will be better.


Closer To You

Audacity is something I need to learn to master audio old stereo files, does the Speed settings does it export the speed settings.
I thought it did, but I don’t know anymore… or do I have to do it manually converting WAV files to MP3 files in the export setting… my mind is tired and confused.

And my ears are even worse… I’ve been intermediate fasting for 48 hours for a couple of days, so I think that is my problem… so 5 days passed, and I ate 2 meals… so maybe I’m not getting enough protein, your brain needs protein to work properly.

I feel drained, I never did 48 hour fasting consecutively, one after another… that was one thing I liked about Raini living as long as she did, I had to get up and feed her.

But now I don’t. I need to mix the multitrack projects, that I created in Vegas when Sony owned it, and still works on another laptop, and see if “Closer To You” is there as a Vegas project, so all the projects the tracks are there, and I can mute them… cause I don’t like the distorted guitar in some sections.


Well, this song, I needed to export the speed settings to the WAV file, when I exported the MP3 files and then the conversion happens

I thought it did… cause it changes the pitch of the song when you speed it up… I need to eat, and read through the manual… it’s an Open Source program and it’s free… so I’m growing more in love with Open Source programs, but the progress of changes is at snail speed.

I first used it when it first came out, I think it was version 1.XXX, it was just a stereo file editor:

“The project was started in the fall of 1999 by Dominic Mazzoni and Roger Dannenberg at Carnegie Mellon University, initially under the name CMU Visual Audio. On May 28, 2000, Audacity was released as Audacity 0.8 to the public.”

But now it’s a multitrack recorder, with many new features and functions… a bit clunky, but doable.


My Ranting

My ranting today, my mind is ready to explode… the pressures from the media, hackers, and anyone else who thrives on pissing me off with mental games… Go Fuck yourself… well not really, you just piss me off, and I have to let off steam, to offset the pressure on my mind.

I would like to feel normal for one day, and be blissful with my personal company… in myself, but it’s a war everyday in my mind. I’m an ethical soldier in that war, with an unethical world, and constantly saying the same things over and over again, and constantly failing… to get my point across.

I just need to blow off steam… and calm down… Microsoft is giving updates all the time, and messing up my settings… cause it gets changed every time I sign off and close my laptop… so it’s either Microsoft, or some other hackers with a personal chip on their shoulders.

This is what’s bothering me today, I want to look at porn today, well not hardcore porn, but soft porn… innocent seeds of porn, which will grow into hardcore porn, if left unattended.

Like a garden of weeds, that isn’t attended to, it grows wild, and the crops you plant, will suffer from the weeds growing uncontrollably, and stealing all of the nutrients that benefits your crops.

This is a seed that will grow wild, if not maintained by constant gardening of weeds, and will grow wild… the way I feel today.

It’s a feeling daily that I deal with… this isn’t my taste of a woman, it isn’t the look, that I want, but the insides of their heart has to be deep, and be willing to explore the deepness of this world’s marvels together.

I’m not talking about the deepness of oceans, well maybe the virtual oceans of a social society.

I’m more into exploring my own mind, and the deepness of the pool of my own soul… I’m just so unsatisfied with life, as I see it.

Mostly, I’m unsatisfied by other people… or maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself, and living in the self pity of a narcissist.
It think it goes two ways, and not just my fault.

But it could be my critical judgmental nature, and that’s partly my fault, but it’s two way streets, and I swerve out of the way from your maneuvering towards me into a collision of forces… making us both at fault.

I tended to pull out weeds as I type, and staring at her crotch on this small laptop screen… well I got the sexual fix that I needed.

But know it’s only temporary, and it’s addicting, you’ll need another fix in a couple of hours. If you’re not careful, you’ll start growing wild, and become a weed filled garden again.

Well, not much pressure is on my mind right now, so I must’ve relieved the pressure blowing off the top of my mind… I need to turn down the flame in my heart, when I feel this way again… I never thought of that, the only thing is it is hidden… the flame control, you can’t control it.

It is what it is… it’s more like a puzzle for you to solve… every person is different, and has their own way to understand the languages of the hearts… what works for one, doesn’t work for others.

Different strokes for different folks… I’m just forcing the dribbles out of this pot, no longer any pressure.


Anyone Home?

This was just Mastered with Ozone9 through Audacity, cause it now accepts VST3 plugins, and Ozone9 is a Mastering VST3 plugin.

All I have is time to try out all the new audio stuff, I’m running out of time, as we all are… but I want to leave a footprint saying I was here, and my music is my footprint… it might not be anyone’s taste, but it’s saying I was here.

Probably be faded into oblivion, but I made the attempt… that’s all the best I can do.

I’m a failure, probably cause I’m stubborn, and don’t take shit from anyone… especially poseurs, cause I was one for the first 20 years of my musical life, I’m slow, I thought I said that before.

This is turning into a narcissistic rant… so I should shut up now.


The Reaper
the NCH MixPad

It works with the master out, unlike Reaper. The MixPad multitrack software has a lot of video tutorials, on their youtube channel.

MixPad Link

Mix Pad Link, just click on the Image for the Download Page

It seems I’ll like it has a lot of video tutorials on the interface and the tools also… it looks promising, but I’m sure I’ll find problems with it.

That’s the curse of critical thinking, you’re never satisfied and something stops your workflow… whether it’s something you don’t like, or some other stumbling block.

Just click on the image to the right to be taken to their site, and download it, if you have an obsession with Audio recording… or go here, it takes you to their site too.

Well, I only found out about it to replace Reaper multitrack software, cause it’s master outs were disabled on April 6th, from updating AMD drivers for High Definition Audio, or something with downloading the Unreal Engine from Epic Games.

But it looks promising… is all I can say about it, and I like videos tutorials, instead of reading tech manuals.

But I found it in mixing stereo files through NCH WavePad, it had a lot of video tutorials with narration instead of trying to figure out what they clicked on with silence… my eyesight is going bad.
I need cheaters/glasses for reading anything now for the last decade at least.

NCH software was always free spyware… from sites that were used as brokers for NCH software, they are an Australian company too… so they speak English… I know a little Spanish, but don’t speak it fluently.

Anyway, I need to post this… if anyone reads this Journal… I need to make this an interactive, but I did that before, and was wasting my time with spam comments, so I closed that spam collector through the WordPress settings.

So that’s why I don’t want to hear from you… no more SPAM comments.

UPDATE: It doesn’t load VST3 plugins, it loads basic VST, but not VST3, which Ozone9 for mastering is… so not a direction for anyone to use, unless you’re a beginner into digital recording… I bought it, before it not taking VST3… I was so disappointed… So I went back to Audacity for mastering.


2Rains – Sink Or Swim

I mixed this today with Audacity.
My Reaper was disabled as far as the master out is concerned, so I don’t hear anything coming out of the speakers, but Audacity wasn’t effected, and I hear the sound the sound of the stereo file.

It’s been out for over 2  weeks, cause I downloaded the 21 GB from Epic Games already, where they made me update the AMD drivers for HD definition audio drivers for superior performance… it just disabled my Reaper master outputs, so I didn’t hear any sound…

No matter what I picked for the outputs, ASIO, ASIO with Fruity Loops, Realtek(R) that also got corrupted I only have one choice now, the (L) and Stereo (L and R) is now gone, and direct sound is missing too… but all I get is silence through the Reapers master outputs.

But with the Audacity works with the Realtek outputs… even though it’s Realtek (R), but produces the stereo files… the audacity of them trying to confuse me.
Which isn’t hard to do right now.

And Audacity  still work with VST plugins, and Ozone9 was used to mix this with, so I still mastered this with cheap laptop speakers, so the EQs maybe tinty… and not a lot of low end…. I don’t have the sharp ears of when I was in my 20’s – 40’s… I began losing my sharpness of hearing in my 50’s-60’s… it was all that loud distortion pedals and FX.

It made me deaf in the end… and saying “what?” a lot.

This song was from my analog days using an Akai 12 track that used the video tapes for the recording, and Lynn Voorhees started working for me in 1986, this was the first song she sung.


I was awakened by a recurring dreams in my head of AI creating a paragraph ad, trying to sell you something, but I thought it existed on youtube, but every search for the paragraph, of someone reading it… it was a short paragraph, and it was on a continuous loop in my dreams… but was not on youtube.

The youtube searches was only retrieving marketeer’s tools through using AI.
You can be even lazier, and collect money using the AI tools, so you didn’t have to think or work anymore.

It would be a good life, but being on the dole all my life, all I was left to was to think, and I turned to art and music to stay sane in this cruel world, and I retreated to nature and loneliness to stay sane… cause I wanted to see the beauty of this world, instead of the cruelty.

I went to Alaska first, it’s the biggest state, but you couldn’t find a 1/4 acre under $50,000, there was no buildings on it… I moved to Montana and bought 5 acres for $35,000… the rest is history to me, I built a house through contractors for $210,000… and I kept adding on to the property over the last 24 years, that I moved to Montana.

The house needs a paint job, and it needs painting to be done to the interior rooms too… but I’m glad I left NY to come out west, I thought I was moving to California, but it was a nice pace to visit, but never would I want to live there.

AI made it a hell hole, in fact anywhere I chose to live on this planet is a hell hole, even here in Montana with the Devil’s Tower… oh that’s in Wyoming… I became confused of it being in Montana.
It was close to the border of Montana, and  Interstate 90 ran through it, and I took Interstate 90 to Montana, but it was Sitting Bulls/Custer’s Last Stand when I entered into Montana was the tourist spot.

So, rather than pine about my life, living in this cruel, but beautiful world… and seeing the fight between good and evil, up close in the populated urban environments, which makes you ignorant of the world around you… like where your food comes from, with farmers growing it.

You just have to go the grocery store to buy it… so that’s where it comes from, to the urban/city dweller.

They don’t think of where it comes from… since many farms were taken over by big commercial farms.

This entry is depressing me, so I should be free… and claim the bliss in the peaceful thought of ignorance… but I get bored with ignorance, and choose to run the rapids again.
To be continued …


2Rains – We Are Free

I found this from Fred Hage, he mailed the records I made up in 1984, back to me… I never saved the 45 rpm records. He saved them for me… I never thought that they would ever produce fruit, that would feed my ego.

I guess I was a failure, at the music industry, but I enjoyed it at their expense… they made me carry the cross of a failure, but I will get payback in the end.
I had the experience of failure and suffering. I could’ve had fame and successful wealthiness, but that wasn’t in God’s plans. God asked if I enjoyed it, I said “yes, but it would’ve been more enjoyable, if I was successful at selling my songs”.

Such is life, we deal with liars and fools, and try to be one of them… so I’m glad I failed.
Cause, I’m not a fool… well, I can be, and was made a fool, more times than I liked… such is life.

And I enjoyed making music to burn off what was bothering me, and my talents were not geared to fame seeking fools and marketeers, but I had fun.

I enjoyed the people I made music with, and their talents were my joy to work with, I hope the same feelings were on both sides.


Dax and Tom MacDonald

This is one way to look at Propaganda, but it covers more than this. It covers all aspects of the human minds, both sexes… males and females… they’re all the victims of propaganda.

Sometimes unknowingly, and other times they’re directing and designing it. I’ve noticed it, and discovered it in the 80’s and 90’s, but kept silent, in being led by my ego, which is the doorway for propaganda to enter through your heart into your mind… once they’re in your heart, then all is lost.

I became more knowledgeable of it after my stroke, cause all I had was time to recover from my stroke.

So I decided to learn about it, and through the internet all my resources were at my hands and eyes, gathering the puzzle pieces to put together, and form another picture of propaganda, there is more to it, then I can display here.

The media has become the cheerleaders of propaganda, with disinformation and misinformation tactics, and some ignorantly reporting being led by their egos, like puppets on their strings, and some sit behind closed doors and design the propaganda, that manipulates the masses at their will and whims.

It is humanity, that is at fault… our corruptible natures that build up grime/corruptible forces, that taxes our systems, and make us run harder to the point of exhaustion… thus breaking us to the surrender to the corruption armies.

I’m talking metaphors/parables here.

I’m giving a big chunk of what I know about propaganda, but not all of it, just the facts that I can prove.

Propaganda fuels wars, and captures truths and locks them in their prisons, to be twisted, and to be portrayed their ways to suit their agendas.

It’s depressing to say the least, there is so much more, but it scares even me… I’m numb and dumb, so that it scares me, is saying the unthinkable has control of me.

Fears are the strings that the puppeteer uses to manipulate their puppets… so clip their strings, and set yourself free.


I‘m working on fixing this error ridden computer laptop, and you ever have moments, when you take 2 steps forward, and 3 steps back, along your progression to solving your errors, then you know what I’m feeling like.

Slowly the solution on the horizon, is slowly not shortening, but getting more distant.

I need to go to Firefox browser settings and retrieve my login information, so I can access it on another computer… but I never had luck with that… It was difficult for me a couple of years ago.

I’m too old for this shit… I’m not computer illiterate, but I’m hacking illiterate, I don’t try to figure things out… except by grace, and I make a mental note of it.

If it’s in my brain, then I know what to do… but my recall abilities could be lacking… since I didn’t get up to eat yesterday… so maybe I need to eat… bedrest sucks.


Garden of Eden’s
Tree of Knowledge

I was wondering if I posted this before, but if I’m repeating myself, then forgive me.

I found this interesting, and true to a point. It was inspired by ALVIN BOYD KUHN, and his writings on the Tree Of Knowledge.

You can read along with it, and think about it with your own imagination, and see insights for you, by God.

He talks about the duality of life, more than once, I have a soft spot on the duality of life, the Yin and Yang, the light and dark of the nature of life.
It was the basics of the religion of Taoism, and where I found the symbolism in 1983, when I took a class on World Religions.

There are many balances between extremes, and you need a fulcrum to balance between them, and the many extremes to understand and you find understanding by balancing between them… the duality of life… hot and cold, right and wrong, anger and calm, fulcrum and indifference…there’s too much to list.

In fact everything has another extreme… its opposite, or a branching opposite… it’s like trees in a forest, it’s darkness is in the underground network, in it’s root systems, and the branching above ground towards the light, and it fuels the roots in the darkness.

Its my understanding of the duality of life, and what it is… there’s so much more about it… I haven’t found out about it yet. I’m still learning, and have so much more to learn about life and the tree of knowledge… and eventually I’ll learn about the Tree of Life too.

But I suspect I have to die first, and in my dreams I’ll be educated about it… which sucks.

But beggars can’t be choosey, and I’m a beggar, as well as rich… we all are inside.
We build are wealth in our understandings, and our indifferences are our poverty principles… and we beg for what we don’t got.


This is the UFO guy, I’ve been following after I saw him on Youtube in 2011.
I found this interesting, so I put this into my watch later folder on Youtube. I needed to look at it later, so this writing is pertaining to what he said.

The Media censorship through the Operation Mockingbird, unknown what they’re named now… cause it’s like tech toys, it says it’s new technology, but it’s rehashed with the same tech… with little improvements, but the name changes, so they can sell it, as new tech.

Media censorship has been going on since forever, once the corporations got power, they went crazy with censorship, it’s confusing the masses, and even themselves… there is nowhere to hide from the light.

And with AI in the picture, you don’t believe in anything anymore, video, audio, green screen, scenes… they can lie at will. They can create the science of deceptions at their whims.
Which can confuse the ignorant, as their entertainment.

I’ve watched it ignorantly, for the first 20 years of my life, but once I was introduced to God at 20 years, he became Jesus to me, and that brought me to “God is Spirit” said by Jesus, so I went searching for spirit, and the meaning of spirit.

I came up with this collective meaning, such as “Team Spirit”, and all forms of life made up the team spirit meaning… both demons and angels are a part of the Spirit, cause God is both evil and good.

“I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.”

So I went to study the Great Spirit of the Natives, and saw their Ancestors went to the Great Spirit, when they died. So I’m trying to understand their culture, once it enters my head, it feeds my heart with emotions, and now it’s me at the core… or what I think is the core.

Well, that’s enough personal growth for now… hopefully you leaned something… cause I’ve grown a lot in writing this.


Cliff Richard
Now you see me,
Now you don’t

[Side One]

I was never a Cliff Richard fan, but I never heard this side of this album, of which he didn’t write the songs that he sung. So it wasn’t from his heart, though he agreed with the words he sung… or maybe not… I’ll leave it between God and him to sort out the truth.

That must’ve been why I didn’t trust him… cause he was being led by his ego towards fame and riches.
Which I was following the same beast, and coming up with stumbling blocks along the way… and found junk trinkets novelties in my search, instead of glorious treasures… God said my songs are for future times, that will be my glory, my times here is to breathe, and that’s all.

So, I’ll just breathe, and piddle paddle along, through the oceans of the societies and nations of the world.

I hope I’ll make a final release of, and I’ll title it Ex Animo which is Latin for “From The Heart”. To say goodbye and good riddance, with sincerity… cause it’s from the heart.

I’m not looking to deceive yous… it’s my NY personality that comes through in my anger… it’s not directed at you the reader… but it’s my failures, that make me mad and angry.

I roar like a lion, but I’m a mouse… or an eagle that eats mice… I’m at war with myself, and have been all my life… I see this world as a prison, and also a world, where we could change it into a paradise, if we see it as our future… and finally tell the truth.

It would be easy to be a dictator, and pass my truth as I see it, but we all know I might be wrong… so dictatorship isn’t the way… cause errors will be put into motion at an exponential rate, until we lock it up, and need to reboot the society/ourselves.

To stop all wars and differences, that we decide to believe in… cause we are imperfect, and capable of errors.
We must be forgiving, truthful and full of love, to see the paradise, that Jesus spoke of.


This is before and 20 years after the Iraq War, and I wanted to give my side of the buildup to the war, in general and never finding WMDs.

I didn’t know the details before the invasion, and I was suspicious of the propaganda that preceded the invasion of Iraq. There is always lies before the wars, and it is now, known to me.

Vietnam War had the Gulf of Tonkin incident, which turned out to be a lie.

I could go and research all the lies that started wars, and I would be up all night and not finished with my research, and have a week to cover all my research, and that is capable of errors.

I always had a suspicion when there is some media cheering for a war, cause it raises their audience participations in their stories… rates them higher in the polling viewers.

It’s all about ratings for the mainstream media.


Is it better to burn out,
Or fade away?

I came across this interview speaking of fading out, rather than burning out… I see both serving the same purpose, they choose two different roads, but they have the same end… which is death.

One is a shortcut, and one is a long road home… cause it’s everybody’s end of the road of life.

Really, I wanted to find out about the line of Johnny Rotten from the Sex Pistols, cause the music scene for me was in the 80’s, before I heard of Johnny Rotten.
And the Album Rust Never Sleeps came out in 1979, cause my Sister bought it, and I played it over and over… I was into music when I was younger and stupider.

Yesterday’s post was talking about “fading away”, so I wanted to find the song by Neil Young that talked about it, but it was called Hey Hey My My(Out of the Blue), instead of fading away.

Here’s a cover of the Neil Young’s Hey, Hey, My, My (Out Of the Blue)  by Creeper, which renamed it “Into the Black”, instead of Out of the Blue… so they added the end of the lyric line… which is ironic in a way, it was rushing to the end, which is unknown to all of us.

This was a nostalgic moment for me going back into my memories/ghosts of the past of my life.

Which is healthy habit for me, if I don’t get sucked in by the ghosts of the past, and feed my mind, instead of the White Rabbit feeding fantasies and dreams.
Which is my problem with daydreaming, and the reality of my life… it’s living in the reality on a fulcrum between reality and dreams/desires/aspirations… trying to balance between them.

So that you feel normal… and don’t go crazy… which I’m lost in, as with everyday I’m lost… but I see a new life on the horizon, that I’m walking towards.
I always wanted to take the shortcut to it, but the angels said “I would regret it“, so they kept me alive, so I could learn from my suffering…

Thanks alot Angels… I still think the shortcut is the preferred route, but then I’ll regret all I witnessed and experienced… it’s a heavy load to carry, with all the labor and failures… but I digress into my shell, and hide away, instead of shine.

I lost my matches.


You need to know who Narcissus is, he was from Greek Mythology, and many versions of him one was the Roman Mythology was with a Nymph named Echo, and he fell in love with himself, with his own reflection while staring at in the pool of still water… and the flower Narcissus/daffodil which came up, as the first flower in the Spring, where he died staring at the reflection of himself, all the time fading away into oblivion.

Also he lacked empathy for others, it wasn’t by his own fault… I think it was the curse of self conceit.
I tell myself that everyday, to keep me humble and aware.

I’m just fading away towards my rest… as a failure or restful victory?
You decide, cause I don’t care what you think… cause I’m too busy thinking of myself.

Sorry, I got so into the Story of Narcissus, I got lost there for a second.

So before I fly away from this scene, and realize I’m not Narcissus, but it’s so easy to fall in love, like Echo the Nymph, in Roman Mythology, where you’re cursed to repeat the last words you heard, so that you can’t speak the words, that are truthful from your own heart, but the last words from Narcissus was “Farewell”, and also Echo’s last words were a whisper of “farewell”.

So there is the “fading away” theme echoing in my head right now… and what does it mean… I’m not staring at my own reflection, but I go into a trance when I do… so the fading away is a thought, that I got from my past, and this song by Ollie is my reflection that I’m staring at… and “fading away”.


 General Smedley Butler
War Is A Racket

General Smedley Butler from WWI wrote that War is a Racket, he seemed that he saw the crookedness of the military first hand, and if we could keep the profits coming from wars, then we would be happy to cause suffering on the world’s populace with death and sadness, and as long as the profits were coming in, the war machine would have fuel to run.

I saw another video of the Love of money, linked to the Baal to start my morning, and the Bull on Wall Street was to more of the worship of money/profits. To the people who shove their head up the idol bull’s ass, I wish you many profits, cause they will turn on you, like Jezebel was killed by her eunuchs, as they betrayed her and cast her out the window to the streets towards her death.

I’m so against profit making, I’m right beside Jesus, when he lost it in the temples overturning the tables of money changers selling little idols for blessings. It’s a house of God, and you’re stealing the worship of God with idols, diluting the power of the Father/God with little idols of luck.

You have to live in those times to understand my words, the mindsets of those people, were so superstitious and fearful, they were controlled by fear and their superstitions. Everything was plausible to them, no matter how illogical it was plausible for the time, it was suggested to them.

Then the heavy deep thinkers came in and started preaching God to them, and justifying their false prophesies at whim, and the blind were led towards their prophesies, that never happened.

War is a Racket, and I agree with Smedley… he was so emotional of a speaker… it must’ve drove him crazy too, and he would wonder why people weren’t listening to him.
He was talking to deaf ears.

But his words were in their ears as echos… for every generation through his writings.


Lyrics are Here

This is deep, and I wanted something shallow like a puddle, something simple without getting too deep, but that’s life.
You don’t always get what you want. You have to critically think, to enjoy the simplicitys of life and the the complexities also. This song touches them both.

I just wanted to be at peace with this entry, but it requires me to think hard and critically, and go deep, c’est la vie.

You never get what you expect out of life.
No, that’s a pessimistic attitude, but you can, if you have a positive attitude.
Which I have, when I reach the surface of the Human Ocean of the mind, and breathe the air, that is filled with oxygen, without filters/gills, that I need to go deep in the oceans of the deepness of the mind.

It may be different for you… thus we are all different, but we’re all the same at the same time.

With that view through love’s spectacles, cause we haven’t discovered what love is yet, to acquaint our eyes to look through them.

We have to acquire that first to make them… it must be constructed/manufactured inside first, in your hearts and minds. So that you can see it in the real world, without effort… I’m not talking about real tangible spectacles, but virtual glasses, that are in your minds and hearts.

And without effort you see the world, as it is, and not clouded by greed, lusts, pride, egos, etc. … in otherwords sins/errors , that should’ve been left in the deepness of the oceans, that exist inside of the humanness of your souls.

Cause they cloud your thoughts, and views of the world, so that you can’t communicate clearly…
I get it, well not totally, but one’s first step on a lifelong journey, is just the beginning of the journey.



This is a documentary on HAARP program, and it was from Tesla’s writings, and we stole/confiscated all of his writings after his death.

I don’t want to write right now, but you can watch it, and get what you want from it… or forget it… it’s your choice.


Jesus is Risen
on this Day

With all the risen shit flattery songs being passed in celebration for the past, but not mentioning that we killed him in judgment, an innocent man. What happened to that 9/11 slogan “we will never forget”?

I guess we have to forget to forgive, and start over. Or you’ll have a grudge, as a cross on your back, and take it to death’s door. So you didn’t forget either.

I see the hypocrisy of myself, and what I believe, and all the religions that profess Jesus as their savior, but then they go on sinning/errors with a free pass, that has the name of Jesus on it.

It’s a fake pill for salvation, and being dealt illegally by the Digital Pushers men… it gives you a high, so you think you are saved… but it doesn’t cure you, cause you are still sinning/making mistakes/errors.
And now you’re building a God through an AI, but you don’t know God, to model the AI God after at all.

You stare at the Sun and you go blind, it maybe temporary, but you can’t focus on anything for 10-15 minutes, maybe longer. Our DNA decides that, we are all different, so these magic pills being designed by Big Pharma, works differently on everybody alive… cause they cause side effects on some and, others not.

We learned that with mandates, during this last Pandemic. What are the side effects of the mandated shot… I guess we’ll find out.

I believe Jesus has risen, and I’m not scared to profess him as my savior… as long as he’s telling the truth, but when he lies to me, then he’s my enemy. I get that everyday from politicians, servants of the hypocritical laws of mankind… and now they’re making lies up at will, cause of their economic fears with the banking system… I understand that we have to be patient to reach that nirvana of cooperation.

But tell that to the politicians swearing on the bible that they never read.

I hate the world again, please heal me… or let me die in peace… cause I need a rest from this burdensome world.

I’ll go and make FB posts, that no one reads… I’m just doing my best with what I have to contribute to the world…
But I’m left to say, why? When the next generation makes it a mute point, and changes what I did.

Well I’m off to FB’s Wall and graffiti it the best I can.


Raini Died
On Good Friday

This is a painting of Raini as a Kitten by my Mom, and she died at 21 years old last night, almost a year after my Mom died.

Me and Raini were at war, when she started killing everything that moved, rabbits, squirrels, hummingbirds, etc., and she brought it home like she wanted me to eat it… I know it’s her way of expressing love with sharing it with me… but it only made me mad and angry.

I don’t speak cat, but I understand it in my heart, but my lack of cat speak in my brain, only confused us both.

I thought she was going to die at 18 years old, but she made it to 21 years old, and she was shedding and becoming matted, and looked as a sorry ass cat.

I would clip off the mats as they developed, but then they would form again, and she became matted again.

She didn’t clean herself in her old age, and I didn’t want to pet her, cause my hands would be full of cat hair, if I petted here below the neck. I liked petting her, when she kept herself clean, but age is a painful feeling. Where you grow tired of life… and you say what is the point to life?

You have the moment of breathing, and experiencing life the best way that you could.

Everyone I’ve loved has died, and that makes me even more sad and mournful, but I know I’ll see them, and greeting me again when I die… at least I hope. That is my faith and religion… it’s inside me, as with all of you in your personal relationship with your inner spirit/heart/soul… oh lets just say your inner child.

Cause only inner children will enter the heavens, and be amazed at what’s there… this is my religion, system of beliefs, cause that’s everyone beliefs/religion/faith… like the stars, is from where we were seeded from on Earth.

God to me is mysterious, as space itself is… we’ll understand it at the end, as Raini understands it now.


I had to look up cremating a cat in the search engine. This is a video of cremation of another cat that looked just like Raini, several years ago.

I figure I’d just dig a hole, and bury her, after I studied cremation, cause it destroys DNA.

I’ve been in deep mood all day, and thinking of all the memories these past 21 years… and also 24 years since I moved to Montana, and met the neighbors, and made friends with them… and also 3 years in Alaska before Montana.

Which brought me back to NY, where I grew up, and all the friends I left there… I said I would die here, like an Eskimo would go out on ice-flow and die, and go meet their maker… which wasn’t true, maybe in the most northern Canada to Greenland.

But we all face God in the end…

“So the last will be first, and the first last. For many are called, but few chosen”

He said that after of the story of paying everyone who worked in the vineyard… whenever they started working in the vineyard, some worked all day, and some worked only an hour… but they received the same amount in pay.

The vineyard owner justified to worker mob voicing their displeasure at the payments, and he said this them… “‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? “.

Say a denarius was a $200 dollars, and he made that deal with everyone who worked in the fields, no matter when they started.

I think it’s unfair, I would be on the side of the workers… but I can see his point of agreeing to pay everyone on the $200, cause they worked the fields.

So he’s a man of his words… he says it, so he fulfills it… it makes him feel good, and strengthens his integrity.
In a world where you can’t trust anyone to deliver, what they say they will deliver, or deliver something that will change over time, and not be what was expected to be delivered.

I’m sorry Raini for not letting you lay where you were called to lay, and being mean to you, and put you on the hard surface where you died.
Sometimes we think about only ourselves, and all others don’t deserve the love they seek… I want to love with real love, not the phony love… carnal love. That’s what everyone alive thinks of as love… but there is more to love, than sex.


UE5 and CC4 was a mistake,
and I wish
I never downloaded them

Epic Games, which I liked before I downloaded them, correction it was Electronic Arts that I liked, they published the Epic Games, so I got confused, and thought they were one company.

Anyway, I downloaded the Metahuman from a video I saw on Youtube, and thought it was good, and I needed to download the 21+GB from Epic Games the Unreal Engine, it took me 6-7 hours to download from a DSL connection, and Metahuman was a Plugin for the Unreal Engine.

They made me change the AMD drivers, for the UE5 cause I the drivers I had, there was a problem with UE5, so I don’t know what caused it, cause I can’t get Master Volumes from the Reaper Multitrack recording program that I have, it plays and I get playing levels, but muted master levels, so I don’t hear any sound.

It’s a hardline to the data collection of the online productions, you need to be connected to do anything anymore.

I long for the days before the Internet came along, where you bought a CD/DVD and had to deal with the online stuff for registration only, they had a offline option registration too… and it could be run locally on your PC/Mac without being connected to the internet.

With the cyberwars going on behind the scenes on the internet, you see what goes on with digital robots/crawlers, there are many digital beings that were designed by the corrupted and corruptible, and they form secretive cyberwars with secretive digital armies.

It’s a dirty image, the tech security people know what I’m talking about.

The internet is an unsecure place, and the corrupted take advantage of that, like the Organized Crime/Mob in layman terms.

Anyway, I want to fix what my problem with Reaper master volumes, which I guess is a Windows Registry problem… where they reboot it needs the registry file to setup the programs that you run.

This is the Apps section of my Windows10 settings, and notice the MB or GB totals is missing from the Reaper program, in fact every free program I got from the internet, got effected from the missing totals… even some MS programs, were missing totals, along with the Free Software movement programs.

The internet is changing every time I go on… it gets more secretive, things disappear that once were there.
Beware of the cons/scams, even the tech wizards who guard their data like it gold… and don’t give it up freely.


Holy Holy Thursday

It’s holy Thursday today, according to the Catholic religions.
What’s holy about it?
If they are going to crucify our savior tomorrow, and call it good Friday…

Whatever see what God as, we don’t see God at all, cause God is Spirit… we feel spirits, we drink spirits, and we celebrate spirits, but we don’t define what spirit is.

God is a mystery to us all, and so many scammers are talking the Bible scriptures are the only word of God, but that’s not true… to a point, the Bible was the inspired word of God, but that’s not all, God lives in you.
God is your consciousness, and you make decisions with your consciousness.

God was at your birth, and breathed into you, and you became alive… and went forth to deal with your parents, and their problems. I came from a very loving family, but they had their sins too, as we all have our sins/errors/mistakes.

We had the grace to be born again to this world, and breathe life from it, without a price for it.

It was given to us by the meaning of grace, and should be appreciated, but not required as a sacrifice/price for it. Jesus, revealed that almost 2000+ years ago, and went to mental wars with the Politicians/priests back then, and mostly sought the Truth, but it pissed of the powers that were, and their lies were revealed.

I could go with philosophizing on this to no end, but I’ll leave you this song… cause I wrote it more for Jesus, at the time I wrote it, but it could cover anyone that died, that you loved… I think it even would make Jesus happy… cause of what was behind the message of the song.

My intentions were good, but you know what they say about good intentions, they pave the way to hell.
But we are already there, I would like to build the stairway to heaven… cause that’s what Jesus came to reveal… but we’ll crucify him tomorrow… and celebrate with candy baskets from the Easter Bunny on Easter Sunday.

We’re a sick society.


Linux Kernel is not the OS,
But you need the
Kernel to run the OS(Distro)

I woke to this about the Linux kernel, by Linus Torvalds, and every distro of Linux uses the kernel to communicate with the hardware of the PC to run one of the Distros of the Operating Systems(OS), which are too many to list here.

Watch this video if you want to understand about GNU/Linux, which is the OS of the many distributions of the Linux kernel being the foundation of the OS.

The name “GNU” is a recursive acronym for “GNU’s Not Unix.”, and is a Free Software movement that was started by Richard Stallman.

I‘ve used the Ubuntu before and it was like Windows, in fact it was in a virtual box, and with Windows OS, and I had to choose which OS I was to use… either Ubuntu or Windows at the start of the PC boot cycle.

At least I think it was a Virtual Box, I’m new to this tech understanding. I came onto Linus Torvalds in 1991 when he wrote the kernel, which has developed/evolved with the help of the GNU Project to the many distros that are out there now… some suck and have many holes, but some are secure… but nothing is 100% secure… hackers know that.

But I like the FREE part… I don’t have to buy the software, which limits my freedom in the search for truth… because price is another chain I’m attached to like a prisoner.
Chains are attached to walls, and walls are ideologies, Political Parties, Religions, etc. … everything in cultures are and could be a wall. I’m just philosophizing/ranting about what’s on my mind right now.

It’s like the prison cells analogy I came up with last night, stopping me to fly and soar like an eagle in a cage… my mind is a mess… as it should be in this part of the river, with the rapids of technology pushing you into confusion pools to keep for their feeding.

I see what I’m talking about in my mind’s imaginations… you have to be as sick as me to see it… cause I’m a mess… with bad health on top of that, as a cherry on the top of an ice cream sundae… but it’s more like a garbage sundae.

It’s starting to depress me… in the rabbit cave with Monty Python’s Circus… so “Run Away, Run Away”.

And Have a Blessed Day. :-D 


It’s A Cage

It’s a cage, is a song that has been in my heart since birth… I’m so depressed my whole life, and I wonder if that’s my problem for loneliness… I’m cursed or I’m blessed, I guess we’ll have to wait for my death to find out.

I started a music studio with money for my tuition money for college, and I spent more than my tuition money, with USAF pension money to help for the funding, of buying computers and musical instruments, and racks of recording equipment and special FX… I started this around 1985, and left NY to head west in 1996.

I gave it a decade, but I wasn’t a pawn for the world, so I asked God to enlighten me, and God did that… only suffering was the price, which made me moody beyond compare.
Who would want to live with that?

Not me, so I understand my loneliness, and am not burdened by it… but it gets heavy at times.

So I see life as a cage, and when I die, the cage door opens, and now I’m free to fly to another world, if I see fit, or I go to eternal sleep… it doesn’t matter to me.

As long as I sleep with sweet dreams, and NO nightmares.
At least I’m out of the cage of life… the bars are our ideologies, religions, cultures, etc. … and I have a lot of rest to catch up on… and I need it.

I worry too much, and that causes stress on the mind and body… which destroys your immune system, and I want to heal before I die, but death is a relief for me… there is no more worry, and I’ll heal eventually.

I never give up.


Window Washer Blues

This is a song I wrote after washing my studio windows, when the windows were open, and I heard someone saying something about me.

It wasn’t anything bad and hurtful, just disappointing and annoying, which was hurtful at the time… but I healed quickly.

And I made the move out west, and was on a new adventure… 2026 is going to be 30 years out of NY, I left in 1996, and it’s been hell for this last 3 years, with in and out of the hospitals, and never getting rid of this bedsore.

Healthcare from the VA is going down, and getting worse… at least here in Montana… and the pandemic for the last 3 years isn’t helping either.

I’m depressing myself with this reflection… and it isn’t good for my healing.

Heck, I should stop depressing myself, and post this… I’m already running out of disk space, and I have to reinstall GIMP, I thought I had it installed already, but I don’t trust these laptops anymore… cause I’m on a target list for hackers… who know nothing about me, but they judge me.

The main reason I’m against the judgment of others, without the complete data, that exasperates the judgments into exponential territory… and I’m dead to that territory, since my stroke in 2004.

Numeric equations just put my mind into space mode anymore… cause the connections between nerves are no more… the brain is a miracle of design, and no one knows it yet… cause of incomplete data, and they make assumptions on that incomplete data, and are hurled into exponential territory of errors/trees, and get lost in the forest… cause they get lost from staring at the tree, thinking they know the whole knowledge of the world.

This is off the scope of the common man… I’m lost already.

I’m just writing what the spirit tells me to write… and sometimes the spirit takes me to a cliff and says jump… I’m not faithful enough yet, to fly… but I hope to.

I just need more answers to satisfy my questions… I spoke real proudly before God, when I met God at 19 years old, he was a person at first, but transformed into a spirit, and then many spirits, which make up the spirit of God.

That’s my philosophical take on God… and God evades me continually, but then gets close to me, and talks to me, but when I try to get close to God, God goes into evasive mode again.

You can’t catch God, and lock him in a cage. God designed a cage, you think he didn’t design a way out… like Houdini. Religions didn’t figure that out yet… religions are slow minded people, so I shouldn’t judge them… see I’m judging them too.

This is me just ranting, and almost babbling about what’s on my mind… to be continued.


Emotional Language


I wanted to expound on feelings(emotional), as a language, I thought about it, and came up with this thought… feelings, are the true and real needs, that a person with a problem, that needs to be understood.

So nothing else clouds the issue. Empathy is the required vehicle of the new language. I have that talent lacking in me, but I know I can achieve it. It only leaves me vulnerable to more wounds, so I try and avoid it.

When you’re talking one on one with an individual, you feel what he/she feels, it’s in their minds as thoughts/emotions, but you can sense that… without words. I see it as the future language… where feelings replace words.

I see quiet people as wise, and not fools, cause the fool is full of words… mostly foolish words, but flattering all the same.
Even writers are fools, they write into oblivion, so many words, many that you don’t understand… you need a dictionary or a thesaurus to understand.
I’m saying that I’m a fool for writing this blog.

But I wanted to share my thoughts on this language of feelings/emotions, and how it will be in the future, or maybe not, cause I’ve been wrong many times, when I assume/predict of the future.

Words only cloud the message, but everyone understands the feelings and emotions, cause we all feel them, and know what they mean… so they will become the universal language, and misinterpretations are no more… with words they could be misinterpreted, and cause many delusions that form in another’s mind from words… but feelings/emotions we feel them too.

You can use words for contracts, or confirmation on what is agreed to… but the basis of the contract is born with understanding, first through common feelings, that we all have and understand.

Enlightenment is in the heart first, with feelings/emotions, and then it is shared with the brain, and tabulated in the brain so that you can understand it, and filed in the sections of the brain that still works.


I was thinking it was a sexual reference, but it was about her searching for the meaning of life, and she realized it was in her… inside the soul.

I liked the meaning, which I was surprised by.

But I don’t know her, as with everyone alive and breathing.
We all have different situations that form our belief systems, and it would be me like a woodpecker trying to find bugs in the covering of her soul… which is different from the outside of her soul, being different from the deepness and darkness from the inside.

I guess I’ll just have to wait for the complete truth… of the populations of Earth, but then, it’s not the whole absolute truth of the Universe. You can assume you know the truth, but when you find the whole truth about the subject you assumed about, you’ll feel like a stupid fool.

It was the birth of religions, and scientific theories exploring space, which are mere speculations of whats out there… I would rather seek the source… mainly UFOs and Extraterrestrials, and ask about God, and what do they know about God.

I think Jesus was sent by God/Father/Great Spirit… I guess the voices in my head are the holy spirit, which is a part of God… both angels and demons are the voices/thoughts in your head.
But God stopped talking to me with words, and God’s teaching me with feelings, as words.

Somebody explain to God, that learning new languages is a mute point, you have to learn the language when you’re young… and you have to live in it.

No, you don’t have to explain it to God… God already knows it.


But God’s mysterious and great, and God doesn’t talk to me anymore, so I can understand, he gives me feelings, as words that make up the sentences.

He gives me sadness, when I’ll receive bad news, it just makes me feel like a nut, and wrong guesses when I finally receive the bad news.
Cause it could be the degrees of sadness, from sorrows to feeling nauseous… all sadness is not the same. Anger is the same, it could be raging like on the road rages, or disappointment that somebody didn’t do the job as they said… there are degrees to anger, as with all feelings.

I need to be empathetic, which I’m not… I’ve been too sensitive, that I’ve been taken apart, and made numb by all the scars I’ve had to deal with.

So, I’m not motivated to learn a new language of the heart… it’s not my brain that hears English words, and makes the decisions based on that language of words… but the feelings and their intensity, is a word of the heart… it sounds like a bunch of goblety goop to me. Feelings, are so not what I like to figure out. 

I like to hear words, that are direct, and to the point.
I guess that is my next grade/class in my education.


2Rains – Cherish

This is an old song I remixed an old stereo version of the song with Mastering effects EZmix2 by Toontrack.

I think I screwed it up, on laptop with cheap laptop speakers… I guess I need to take out the headphones next time.

This is April Fools Day, and this is God’s April Fools Joke on this Fool.  8-) 

I’m just starting this day, from last night… I drank too much tea I used two bags at 11pm, I fell asleep pretty quickly, but I woke up, and couldn’t fall asleep again… so I turned on the internet, and mixed this version of this song for the Soundcloud site.

Happy April Fools Day everyone… the wise know they are fools everyday.